How do i tell my dad that i don't want him to walk me down the aisle??

I'd just tell him that you hope he won't be disappointed, but you feel the 'giving away' is outdated and irrelevant since it dates back to the time when women were regarded as being 'owned' by their male relatives and that it will therefore not be a part of your wedding.

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Thank you!

I think stressing the point that I don't agree with the sentiment behind the 'giving away' tradition is a good idea as it is nothing against him personally.

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I agree with this, definitely the most diplomatic way of putting it without causing a drama (I was going to say hurting his feelings but from the tone of your post I'm guessing drama would be more accurate!) Good luck and hopefully he will accept your decision

View quoted message Thank you! Yes, drama is probably a better description of the possible reaction!
I guess the only thing I can do if he does become angry or snap (and I mean that in a literal sense) is say that I want him there and reiterate (calmly) that I dont agree with the tradition. That's all I can do right?

Yep, don't even mention the other aspect of why you don't want him to 'give you away'.

To help back up the removal of one tradition, are there any others that you don't agree with/believe in/ care about enough to worry if they aren't part of your day. If you can give other examples of where you are departing from tradition, it might help "soften the blow" and completely remove any potential of a personal element.

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Yes, don't get into arguments, just reiterate your explanation. If you had a better relationship with him, I would suggest giving him another job to do, such as a reading, to sweeten the pill, but from what you have said, it doesn't sound as if he's the kind of person you would want taking any active part in your wedding.

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I agree completely, but the thing is my fiance's dad wants to make a speech, so doesn't that mean that we should let my dad make one too?

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That's a tricky one. You don't 'have' to let your dad make a speech, and I can see why you wouldn't want to, but it's going to be hard to explain to your dad why the other father gets to make one and he doesn't.

Can you skip speeches altogether? Perhaps if you explained the issue about your dad to your fiance's dad, he would understand.

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Yeah, I know what you mean, but I get along really well with my fiance's dad and he has already asked us if he can do a speech on the day. I'm sure he would understand (he knows I have a difficult relationship with my dad), but I would feel mean saying no. Does that make sense?

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Yes, I understand how you feel. I'm afraid there are no easy answers. To let your fiance's dad speak but not allow your own father to do so is going to be very pointed, and will probably hurt/upset your father a lot, especially after not letting him walk you down the aisle either. But in your place, I don't think I'd want my father to be making a speech either!

Your fiance's father is likely to be disappointed he can't make a speech, but it sounds as if he will understand, so he won't be upset by it. In your case, I'd probably skip the speeches - I've sat through a wedding where one father didn't make a speech and it was quite uncomfortable as he was obviously offended, and also wedding where a father who had been estranged from his daughter did make a speech, and that was really uncomfortable too! In both cases, it made guests aware of the family differences, whereas they probably wouldn't have noticed if speeches had been completely omitted.

Are you interested in your mum making a speech - and would she like to? That way you could use the eschewing patriarchal tradition argument, with the parent making the speech matching the gender of their offspring - so your mum and your fiancé’s dad? If your mum wasn’t interested in doing a speech she could read out a poem or something instead for the same result.


Another option would be a bridesmaid making a speech (or a reading as above).
If you can say ‘X [mum/bridesmaid/other female] is making the speech from my side for anti-patriarchal reasons’ then it might seem less personal, just as the walking down the aisle issue.
Another compromise would be to ask your dad to propose a toast, but not do a full speech, but it sounds like once he stands up, he might just make a speech anyway, so that is a bit of a risk.

View quoted message Hi,
I am really close to my mam, but she doesn't want to speak. I've already asked my best friend (one of my bridesmaids) to do a speech and she can't wait.
I think it's a risk asking for just a toast but it might be the best option. That way he still has a "role" in the day and isn't completely sidelined.

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That sounds like a good compromise.

Hi
I am in the same situation my dad and I don’t have the best relationship we are working on ‘US’ but Closer and closer I get to the wedding I’m thinking of walking down the aisle on my own 🤭xx

Im like you so dont talk to my family much because they dont think much of my partner even after 19 years our plan has always been just us and our 3 kids they have never been happy about this so think they can have there say not happening so we dont speak at all now its been i think about 5 months now because we booked our wedding they found out so im walking down on my own if you want your bridesmaids to walk you down do it there is no law that says a father must walk the bride down do whats best for you not for him x💗

View quoted message I think that's a good point, sometimes with everything that needs planning and thinking through, I forget to do what is vest for me. He certainly never puts me first. Unfortunately since making this post, Mt dad has walked out on my life. Now I'm worried that after the horrific things je said, he will just turn up on the day to ruin it. Or try to. I didn't want this to happen and for years I've tried to build brides. However he has since taken a lit match to those bridges and burned them.

View quoted message After everything that I have been through with my dad it almost (sadly) feels like a relief to not have the pressure of him being there. I completely agree with your way of thinking, just make sure whatever you do, is your decision. It is what you want to do. The day is for you and your honey afterall xx

View quoted message Yeah it’s your completely right.
I’ve spoke to a few family members and they arrive and understand why I don’t want him to ‘give me away’ even his own mum said please don’t let your dad give you away he doesn’t deserve it … then on the hand I have a family member saying if he doesn’t give you away expect him not to come ..
I’m sure everything will work out in the long for you and your partner remember too it’s your big day too! 💕Xx

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I'm so sorry you've had to go through this - sadly, he's just proved that you were 100% right to be wary of getting too close to him.

Focus on the people in your life who are good and kind and loving. Your father is the one who is missing out ultimately, because his actions are shutting him out from a lot of joy. But that is his choice, not your problem.

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You could walk down with your fiance if you preferred -that's what we did! I didn't fancy making the trip down the aisle on my own.

View quoted message Love this 💕

View quoted message As in ‘ Focus on the people in your life who are good and kind and loving. Your father is the one who is missing out ultimately, because his actions are shutting him out from a lot of joy. But that is his choice, not your problem.’ 💕

View quoted message Thank you for your kind comment. Unfortunately I was right even though I didn't want to be (if that makes sense). I did want him to be there but as you correctly say, that was his choice. I have other family who mean the world to me, and my new family to be! Xx

View quoted message I think the best thing to do is ask family members or the venue management if he does turn up not to allow him in . Just remember its what you want just think about you and h2b i feel your pain thinking of you x💗

View quoted message We have a meeting with our venue soon, so it will definitely be a topic of discussion. Already my h2b's family (mainly brother and father, even his mother) had said they will not let him ruin our day and I does make me feel better knowing I have their support. Thank you again for your kindness and comments they have really helped 😊 ❤ xx

View quoted message Anytime i know its hard and having to ask people to look out is hard too but remember its you an h2bs special day so remember the positive thing you both get to say I DO if your dad had any care he would not turn up but from what you have said about him he doesnt care about anyone but himself x Please do let him spoil your planning x I would be happy never to speak to my family ever again but i have to see how things go im glad you have people that are looking out for you i lost my friends and family because of my wedding plans so i know how hard it is just glad i have my h2b and my kids to keep me strong here any time to talk stay strong thinking of you x💗

View quoted message Thank you so much, its nice to have support on here and speak to people who understand. I'm sorry you've had such trouble but it sounds like your family (hubby & kids) are amazing. Thank you again xx

View quoted message Hi kate thankyou they are amazing x I hope you have what you want here anytime if you want to talk x Your family are amazing they are supporting you stay strong x💗

Hi just checking in to see how your doing and how the planning is going x💗

Sending you lots of hugs 💕💕