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R
Beginner October 2022 Staffordshire

How to handle guilt around elopement

Ruth, 1 August, 2021 at 17:05 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 8
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Hi all,



First post on here!
Got engaged in May and me and the boy have loved the idea of eloping, just us two, somewhere special. We haven't decided when or where yet but already one issue cropping up.
My sister and some other family have said they would be upset/disappointed not to witness the occasion. We fully intend to have a party and do a cake cutting etc. afterwards to celebrate with friends and family - but we wanted the ceremony just for us.
My sister absolutely sobbed to me and made me feel so guilty because "I didn't want her there" when that's not the case - no one will be there, we want it just us two. Then scoffed at my idea of a party without any ceremonial part.
My parents have been supportive but underneath I know they took would love to be there.
How do I manage the guilt but also still do what we as a couple want?

8 replies

Latest activity by RomanticGreenStationery27135, 27 September, 2021 at 21:59
  • R
    Savvy May 2022 South West London
    Rosie ·
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    My twin brother eloped last year. Not because of the pandemic, but because he and his wife wanted to. It was a hard pill to swallow as of course I would have loved to have been there for them, but he gave me ample warning that was the plan even before they got engaged. If eloping is your plan, you should stick to it. You can find ways of making people feel special like maybe asking for them to give you tokens from them to take with you, like maybe your sister has a hair accessory you could wear... whatever would make her feel even a tiny bit involved that goes with what you and your partner want. Just because they aren't with you there, doesn't mean they aren't important to you.

    I know you feel guilty, but you just shouldn't. Keep reminding yourself about what the day will look like and how you and your partner envision things. And if it's important to you - take photos. I might not have been at my brother's wedding, but I got to swoon over their pictures and feel like we were there even a little bit. Similarly if there are ways your family can be involved in the reception, then amplify those parts of the conversation and leave the rest. Your sister needs to get to grips with the fact that your wedding really isn't about her, so for now it might just be best to keep those plans to yourselves.

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  • R
    Beginner October 2022 Staffordshire
    Ruth ·
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    Thank you. I like this idea of taking something with me, like a token item. I will definitely suggest that! I have said to her that the reception part is just as much our 'wedding' as our vows - we just want our vows to be to eachother in that moment, about us. I think when the guilt rears its ugly head I will reread your message as it helped me feel more confident in 'doing what we want'. Thank you!
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  • R
    Savvy May 2022 South West London
    Rosie ·
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    You are more than welcome, you've just got engaged so you should be enjoying that high, not fretting about feelings of guilt over something that should be fun to plan with your partner.

    I just remembered that technically my cousin also eloped before the event that we all attended that was her 'wedding'. Literally didn't know about it till the day of that they'd already gotten married. Did anyone care - no because we were eating and celebrating them in that moment in exactly the same way we would have.

    I think it's all about wording and rightly you've said that the party is as much the wedding, so maybe keep her attention focused on that and stick to that line of thinking.

    Remember to enjoy the planning. It lasts longer than the wedding day itself and can be a lot of fun. Best of luck x

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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Hi ruth i think you should stick with it my family new what my plan was from the beginning then they find out aboyt all my plans from my ex best friends and kicked of havent spoke to any of them since please stick with what you want not othet people i have been with my partner 19 years its about what makes you happy good luck x💗
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  • Roxy
    Curious June 2022 Devon
    Roxy ·
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    Hey! I think you should definitely stick with the plan. We're going through a similar thing. We're having a 'wedding' in a field so it won't be legal but we plan to officially get married on our own with no one there as we kind of what the wedding in the field to be the big deal. Our family are struggling to cope with this and keep asking if they can come to wherever we decide to officially get married even though we're having a blessing at the party.

    I find it extra difficult because I honestly cannot understand why people care?!

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  • Marie
    Savvy October 2021 Nottinghamshire
    Marie ·
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    I booked mine for only a room for 6 people during lock down. Us and the kids. I’m sticking to my guns, I had comments of oh you can have more people when lock down changes … nope! Not happening, I booked 6 and it’s staying as 6. I did feel guilty for a while because we wasn’t having a reception either, but I booked one at a later date which appeased them somewhat.
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  • MrsW
    Dedicated May 2022 South West London
    MrsW ·
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    This is a great question and I totally get how you feel. I suggest you try and think about balancing the guilt you feel (which is understandable) versus how you will look back on your day. My sister wanted a quiet, very small wedding and that's not what she had due to certain family members on her husband's side, and I think in the end she resented all the planning and even after 7 or so years, she still talks about how her wedding isn't what she wanted, which makes me feel really sad for her.
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  • R
    Genius July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    This is about you making a lifelong commitment to your other half - so it needs to be what feels right for you. You don't get engaged, change jobs, have kids or make any other major life changes to please family & friends, so why should your wedding be any different?

    We had loads of people upset that they weren't invited to our wedding - but if we'd invited everyone who wanted to come, we'd have had 100+, we'd have hated every minute and would not have been able to focus on our vows to each other - I reckon we'd probably have ended up feeling like we weren't married at all!!! So stick to your guns and do what's right for you.

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