marriage consummation - is it a myth?

On religious grounds it would certainly be grounds for an annulment but on legal grounds, I'm not so sure and obviously despite what the church thinks, it's obviously the latter that counts should you wish to legally marry again.

I think sadly it's a fairy common thing. ? for your friend.

I'm pretty sure marriages can be voided on a number of grounds including non-consummation but it would very much depend on the circumstances and intent e.g. if one of the partners is refusing to consummate the marriage or is unable to for some reason.

ETA: I say I'm pretty sure but obviously I'm not a lawyer. We need a Hitcher who specialises in .. what would it be... Family Law? This person needs to seek legal advice if they want to find a way out of their marriage. How sad though. Can't be easy.

That's a wonderfully Freudian slip given the reason some marriages are unconsummated...

(Not that I'm suggesting that this is the case here, of course!)

It would appear so.

If your marriage is not valid for any reason then you can have the marriage "Annulled". This is done by presenting a "Nullity Petition".

Examples of when you may seek an annulment of your marriage is where:

1. It has not been consummated. (i.e. you have not had sex with each other since you were married.)

2. At the time of the marriage your partner was already married to someone else.

3. One of you was under 16 years of age when you got married.

4. You have inter-married (i.e. married a close relative).

5. Your partner had venereal disease at the time of the marriage and they were aware of this at the time, but you were not.

6. Your partner was pregnant with another person's child at the time of the marriage and they were aware of this at the time, but you were not.

You must apply to annul the marriage within a reasonable period of time, in some cases this will be within 3 years. There is no requirement to have been married for 12 months before applying for a nullity.

Sorry Mr JK, you have lost me?

Took me a while to spot it too. ?

No idea but I'm quite amazed that someone would get married then not have sex for two YEARS!

And me ?

It's a sad situation but one where one partner appears to have almost reverted to child role - playing no part in taking any responsibility for the home, won't work, claims not to be able to understand anything of a financial nature etc and simply wants looking after in the most basic sense.

Other partner would love to look after them, but also needs to have their own needs met within the relationship (not just sexual, but a partner in the truest sense of the word.) How long are you patient for? <sigh>

Under Catholic law, that is one of the grounds for an anulment and therefore the catholic is free to marry again.

My aunty had her marriage anulled for this very reason.

Nope its true. OH had his first marriage annulled after 1 year on the grounds that it wasn't consumated. I plan to drag him to the bedroom before the wedding breakfast to make sure!!

Ohhhh. ? hooby. ?

I would say that 2 years has already been too long.

Am I naive to be shocked by this? Why would you get married then just stop having sex as soon as you were married? Can anyone explain?

Or just never start...

Or you didn't have sex before marriage and then find, in my aunt's case, that her husband wasn't sufficiently turned on by her in order to physically have sex.

To be honest, I doubt they would have had an active sex life before getting married as I can't see it just stopping. Perhaps they thought marriage would be a sticking plaster for any psychological issues/bad habits or there was something phsycial (vaginismus etc) that then became the barrier over time but can no longer be seen as the cause?

What, as in being virgins when you married? I hadn't considered that ? Surely you'd be gagging for it then, by the time you got married? I fear I may be over simplifying this.

I can only give you OH's reasons.

They actually did not have sex for 6 months prior to the wedding as things weren't right. They were each others first love and just grew apart. I think they both just got carried along with the wedding and didn't want to face calling it off. They came to their senses after the wedding, but obviously it was a bit late!

Can I just say it's not me and my H ?

I can't say too much, for fear that someone who knows will read. The cynical part of me thinks the one partner wanted to be married either a) for the wedding or b) to be more secure and be looked after. I am not sure that being equal partners was ever on the agenda, actually.

I am also making the assumption that sex was infrequent before they got married.

I'd find it hard to cope without sex for 2 years, in fact I'd probably spontaneously combust ? I just wondered whether I was being a bit... prosaic.. about the situation.

I think there is love on both sides, just a belief that patience will win out on one side, and a desire to retreat from the world on another - and an inherent lack of equality.

It's very sad.

Not necessarily virgins pre marriage Doughnut but not rabbits either.

Things can become habitual very, very quickly. The thought that things will get better soon, but don't then that things will become better soon but don't then that things will get better...

Gawd that sounds like my folks.

After 23 years of marriage it transpired that my Dad was a) gay and b) has Aspergers. Explained a lot.

I appreciate this is not a constructive thing to tell you, sorry.

you may well be gagging for it but if you physically can't for whatever reason then there's not a lot you can do about it!

I think this is a key point: is there a physical or psychological problem (for either of them?). It would be important to rule this out first.

I agree that Relate sounds like an excellent idea.

Relate would be ideal if both parties are willing to discuss it. A psychosexual therapist too, even if it's just the person with the issues (should there be issues) who is willing to go. Sadly phsychosexual therapists on the NHS are extremely hard to find/get appts for as they are so over subscribed. Who would have thought there are so many people not having healthy sexual relationships with their partners?

Hope this isn't prying but is it the man or the woman that's not into it/incapable?

In order to obtain an anulment they show to show that the marriage is void or voidable. Non-comsumation is a voidable marriage and an application can be made for one of the following reasons:

(a)that the marriage has not been consummated owing to the incapacity of either party to consummate it

(b)that the marriage has not been consummated owing to the wilful refusal of the respondent to consummate it

I have no idea how someone has coped for so long without sex it is crazy in my little word!

I had to have a chuckle at your slip mrs M.

Gosh, what a difficult situation. One question though - how would this be proven? would it need to be? I just wonder as many people could ask for an "easy" annullment on these grounds, no?

I think this is more common than people realise. My ex H had the same problem- once he was married his wife refused to have sex with him again. I don't think they were exactly active before the wedding- they were only 20 and 21 and got caught up with family plans. He divorced her for adultery in the end.

It's very complicated. The passive partner has a lot of psychological problems - however, they are not prepared to take medication and will erratically attend counselling, so it's really difficult. I had a lot of sympathy at first but am starting to feel that they need to take responsibility for managing their condition. TBH I do wonder if it's a bit of a smoke screen to avoid acting like an adult (it spills over to all areas of their lives)

The 'active' partner has been happy to wait patiently, but is not seeing any improvement and is getting frustrated - and then guilty.

I have been asked for my advice and I don't really know what to say. I suspect it would be a deal breaker for me, and I have said that, but who am I to comment on someone else's relationship?

What advice would you give them? Passive partner won't attend Relate.

It happened to me in my first marriage.

In our case it was because my ex was/is unable to face up to his sexuality. I think he forced himself into sleeping with me before we got married because he had to, but once we were married he didn't see the need. I lived with it for 5 years before we got divorced and tried all manner of counselling in the meantime. I think we had sex maybe 3 times during the marriage.

I stayed with him because I loved him, plain and simple. If I could have lived without sex for the rest of my life we'd still be together. As it was, it ended up being the deal breaker, I couldn't be 24 and celebate. It was when he told me that he never wanted sex again, but we could stay married and I should have sex with other men, that I decided it was over.

I'm not angry with him at all. I just feel very sad that he's living a lie, and still is all these years later.

The above is what concerns me about H's sister - she has just got engaged, with the wedding planned for next year. Both are Christians, both are virgins, aged 30 & 36 - it all seems very sad, mainly as we're not sure they are really, truely, madly in love but rather feel it's a case of each other or nobody at all, afterall how many 30 year old Christian virgins can there be in the world? Both want a family etc. etc. and with 'life plans' to take into consideration we get the sense they both feel it's now or never. Then there is the fact that (by all accounts and based on second hand info) he is impotent - so even if they do go through with the wedding there is no saying they will actually be able to have sex. Very sad - what makes it so much sadder is that she has passed up some really good men in her time who would have loved her more than life, but because they weren't 'pure' she wouldn't go there. I don't like her much but when it comes to this relationship (and those with previous 'suitable' men) it's just so sad, even she deserves someone wonderful. I don't understand how beliefs that are supposed to bring you joy can also bring you sadness?

Excuse me if I'm being think, but if he's a virgin how does he (and half the town) know that he's impotent?!