mother-of-the-bride/mumzilla

Aw Viki, why do mums think they've got the right to boss you around and tell you everything you're doing is wrong?

I Live about 400miles from my mum so I know how hard it is trying to include her. I think you need to sit her down and explain just exactly how much things cost these days you should be able to have whoever you want as your CBM! I don't think anybody follows tradition these days.

Just be upfront like she is being to you and that it's your wedding day and you'll do it your way.

In the end my OH had to talk to my mum and tell her exactly how upset she had made me and we've been much better ever since! I would nip it in the bud now before things really get out of hand x

It's your day, IMO you shouldn't have to compromise to please other people but I also know that's easier said than done...

Have you considered maybe giving her a 'job' to do for the wedding? Nothing huge, maybe even just getting quotes for your wedding car, or pricing up favours, but something so she still feels involved, but makes it clear that you and your OH are in charge...

I don't know what advice I can give as I'm in a similar situation everything I do is wrong and I've only got just under 2 months and 3 weeks to go.

My dress is too expensive (It's £169), my theme colour is wrong, my maid of honour is a close friend and partners aunty thats wrong should be my sister. More recently at the weekend she bought bridesmaid dresses for my 2 sisters that are perfect..... they are a pinky/orangey/peachy/yellowy colour - my theme colour is blue, my partners family is too big, therefore i shouldn't invite them all.

Everyone keeps telling me it's my wedding do it my way and that's what I should say to my family but it's not so easy because it is your family. Definatly try and sort things out now and then fingers crossed you'll have over a year of happy planning.

I know this probably hasn't helped but I just wanted to let you know your not the only one, fingers crossed you can sort it.

Poor you, it's a horrible situation to be in. Speaking from experience, DO NOT compromise your day. Like you said, you only plan on doing it the once and your day should be as you and your OH want it. I agree with vickstix, if you can nip it in the bud now then you and your mum could end up on the same page and enjoy planning together. I went aling with what my parents wanted (even though we were paying), then had a mini-breakdown and changed the whole wedding - date, venue, guestlist, bridesmaids, everything! My mum is slowly coming round but it's so disappointing that she's not that interested in her daughter's wedding. Sorry I'm rambling now, but what I most regret is not speaking up at the start. It's all about you and your OH getting married, where you want, when you want, and with the people you love around you.

Good luck at the weekend!

I'm afraid I have very little patience with stuff like this and if she wants to act like a 15 year old let her get on with it! In response to the I'd be inclined to respond, "yeah you're right I was only being polite and trying to involve you but if you'd prefer I didn't then I won't bother."

Again, if she queries the cost of something just turn round and say "did I ask you to pay for it? Then what's the issue?" A few little nips this early on can save a world of grief later down the line. I also handled things by making a decision (obviously with OH where I could prise some input from him!) and then excitedly got on the phone or went round to visit and did the "Guess what, we've booked a venue do you want to see the pictures?!" That way she's involved with the excitement but not the actual decisions IYSWIM. Similarly, in the planning stage show a few options for eg venues, let her sound off about what ones she likes then go visit them with your OH and pick the one you want. Then revert to the "guess what?!" bit again.

Hope you get it sorted out.

I know how you kind of feel, my mum is similar but everytime i talk to her she just didn't seem interested or had something else to say to put it down, so in the end i just gave up talking to her, and trying to keep her involved. and has for the price im doing a cheapish wedding but its still costing 7k. i would just talk to your mum about some of it but keep certain details to yourself ie.prices, and tell your mum your sister can be BM has youve already chosen your CBM. Weddings just seem to bring out the worst in people certainly mums, but i really wouldnt change yourt day to make your mum happy, id have to say to her what are you paying towards the extra guest you wish to invite? i hope you get it sorted but just remember them deep breaths when needed. x

As a MOB to be, I can see certain things from both sides. I think it depends on two things really... how much, if any, parents are contributing financially towards the wedding (and I know from your post, you are paying for things yourselves..) and also how close you are to your parents which means how much you are prepared to compromise and/or hurt feelings etc. So many times, it is said "It's our day and we will do what we want" and things makes me feel quite sad really. I think I've said this on here before so forgive me for repeating myself but it's also your parent's day too! From the day a daughter/son is born (more so for a daughter) it is a parents' dream of seeing their children go to school, start their first job, get married, have children. These are massive milestones in a parent's lifetime. When our daughter got engaged, we all went out for a meal (us, them and the Groom's Mum and Dad) to throw ideas into the pot and also to decide on budget and who would pay for what. This way, everyone got their say and we all knew how each and everyone of us felt about various things - for example, all the men flatly refused to wear top hats! Silly example but you get the idea...! So we all knew from the offset what would or could possibly cause friction so the problem never arose if you see what I mean. If you've only been engaged for a short while, you could always say to your Mum that you want to just get used to being engaged for a while before you start planning and this could give you a bit of breathing space. Also when you do meet up, try doing it on neutral ground rather than at their house - i.e., pub, restaurant so things keep on an even keel. One thing that we found difficult as parents is the cost of everything and I don't mean material things such as food, wedding dress etc but the fees involved such as registrar etc. We can't help but compare it (it's a parents thing LOL!) to when we got married! So it is difficult as parents to think of £500 for this or that as 'not much really' when we can remember having to work all year for £500 ! So when Mum says she can't understand why you're paying so much for venue etc, she is probably comparing it in the same way as we did!

Hi Viki

I know how you feel!

I would say don't compromise your day, it's your wedding and your dream and as you say it is the day you have wanted since you were little, and everyone deserves to have that happen. I totally understand what you are going through, my mum is being much like that. She won't come and look at the venue as she 'has looked at a picture on the website and doesn't like it'. She has told me that it is ridiculous to expect people to travel 'all that way' (venue is 19 miles from her house straight up the motorway), and I am having my best friend as chief bridesmaid rather than either of my sisters, because, as much as I love my sisters they are both totally lazy and unhelpful and my friend has been brilliant, I am just going with the practical option (sisters are still bridesmaids I just know better than to ask them to do anything!!), and this has caused riots!

I am just carrying on, including her by showing her what I am doing but not asking opinions. We are paying for it all ourselves as well (she has told everyone that we are running up thousands of debts when we have no debts at all, and has told me that the wedding is waste of money and we should just pop to the registry office and get it over with). Chances are, when the day comes she will love it!

Sorry not much use but nice to know you are not alone! I would say just go for it, and keep her included, but have what makes you happy, it's your special day x

I dont think i can offer any soloution but i can sympathise, my mum can be a right mumzilla and she's had nothing to do with our planning, well until now where she is drawing up a plan of how things will go on the morning, she ended up having a dig at my sister about her husband about something that happened about 3 years ago bringing it into my wedding WTF?!!! i was in the room with my mum at the time when she was on the phone to her, so i exting my sister saying OMG i cant believe mum spoke to you like that - but hey my mum is like this all the time not just during WP!!!

Thanks for your replies everyone. I think you are definitely right that I should try my best to sort this out now, rather than have 2 years of stress.

I'm trying really hard to see it from my mum's perspective too - I didn't mean to come across like I'm of the view "it's my day and sod everyone else" because although I have ideas about how I'd like the day to be and want the final say on plans, I hope I can get across to her that I do want her to be involved and have a lovely day too.

I like the idea of giving her specific things to research and look after for me, so I think I'll have a think about what that could be before we meet up, then I can suggest it when we're discussing it.

Thanks for the MOB to be perspective Rainbow Florist!

We're fairly close, and I am willing to compromise on the specifics so long as my general image of what I'd like for my wedding is what I get!. It's just at this stage mum doesn't seem to want to do anything other than tell me all my ideas are inconvenient or too expensive. What broke my heart was that she told me if we hold it somewhere where people would have to travel, her side of the family just wouldn't come. I told her that she knows OH's family are in London (mine are in the Chester area) and wherever we hold it will involve travel for some people so we're trying to be fair, but she said in that case not to expect many people to turn up. I have few enough people to invite as it is and my worst fear is having nobody turn up so I'm sad that she would say something like that to me.

To be honest, we're close enough that I thought our ideas wouldn't be too far apart. Maybe when we've sat down and talked about it, we'll discover that they aren't. I can always hope!

I'm with you on this one... she really doesn't know this and can't speak for other people when they don't even know the plans yet! Most people who get invited to venue based weddings expect to have to travel so I wouldn't worry about this one too much.

Not "their day" in totality but as much their day as it is the Bride and Groom's day in a different sort of way as it's something that, as a parent, we dream about and look forward to.

I think if you compromise with her now, you'll end up having to do it for every little detail and in the end, it won't be the wedding you both want.

As much as you want her involved, I'd be inclined not to tell her every little detail and then she hasn't got the opportunity to put any 'spanners in the works'.

Good luck!

I do have some specific advice on the cost thing - this you can cheerfully not tell her.

We sent my MIL2B wedding packages with the prices missed off. Its not that she is a big old meanie or anything, she just has never been involved in an event like this before and has no idea how much things cost. If you are paying for everything, respond to any specific queries on costs with a quiet reassurance that you are not taking on too much and move on.

I would wait before you get too upset - my mum was a bit odd in the first few weeks we were engaged, but has been lovely since. Face to face conversations are much easier, and someone has already given the advice I would give here - radiate excitement! My H2B was nervous of his parents approving of some of our decisions, so he sounded unsure when telling his parents, so they didn't react as postivly as we'd hoped. It was only when I listened in to a convo I realised what was going on. Once he switch to "We'd found this really great...., which we really love because..." they were much happier. And he was much happier.

Best of luck x

I had a different situation - mum wasnt interested in the wedding and rolled her eyes at any of my utterings. They do think weddings are a waste of money, they dont understand why you need to do everything so early, they do compare it to the £80 do they had in 1963.....

Leave wedding mags about for her to stumble across and then she'll see a true reflection of a 21st century wedding..... dont discuss anything with her at the moment, thats why Hitched was invented. Theres no rule about your sister being CBM at all...... and are you hosting this or is it your parents? (I havent read all replies, sorry) Just do your reasearch and present it to her when she asks for it..... involve parents as little as poss if its possible...

my mum started to warm to the whole event about a month before the wedding, we were paying for the day though so she didnt have a say in anything, she did do some floral arrangements and paid for the church and my dress which was very nice of her...

all the best.

Hey Viki,

I can understand your moms worries - it sounds like she wants it to be right for you and isn't being difficult on purpose.? But I think it's down to you to tell her how much / what input she should have.

I also think you should make it clear how you feel, and how it is upsetting you. You should be spending this time floating on air as a newly engaged couple so try not to stress. I'd suggest not talking about things over the phone - take / send pictures up. Things look better on paper than how we describe them.

We have had the same issue over money - OHs dad was shocked at how much we were considering spending, which is below the average spend on the wedding. So we explained the sacrifises we had made to be able to spend that money, and that it was in the bank and so we weren't living beyond our means on credit cards. That reassured him and he hasn't metioned it since.

During another argument over the guest list whilst me and OH were visiting OH threatened that he and I would leave and not return if he didn't stop interferring - again, all has been fine since then! haha

I'm afraid i'm one of those with the opinion of if you and your OH are paying then it's nothing to do with your mum!

I'm counting myself extremly lucky with my mum, she is usually the biggest busy body in the world, has to be involved in everything sort of person but with the wedding she has really stepped back and only inputted if she's asked for it.

Yes involve your mum but like someone else said only after you and OH have made the decision.

Hope it all works out for you at the weekend.

xx

Lol this has just made me chuckle!! My mum has come out with a similar gem...'my wedding cost under £100, why is yours so expensive/waste of money'...hers was in 1980 with just a registry office and no reception......we can't win!!!

Not to want to put a sympathy or downer tone to your thread, but maybe just a different perspective.

I lost my mum 18 months ago and to be honest I would dress in a bin bag and marry at a rubbish dump if that’s what she wanted and it meant that she could be by my side on my wedding day.

I think sometimes families just get over excited and want to try and have their opinions as well, I would just sit down and speak to your mum and tell her that you appreciate her input and ideas but you would like to make decisions for yourself as its your big day – Im sure your mum doesn’t mean to force her opinions on you, I suppose its a big thing for mums to watch their daughters marry and then they only want what they believe to be right (whether it is or not)

Try not to let it get in the way of too much, have a chat and a hug and just be grateful that she will be there hun

xx

I wish I knew how to multi-quote, there is so much I want to respond to!

Realising that other people are having issues like this make me ashamed for complaining - thank you all so much for your tips on how to deal with this. NearlyMrsJ, I like your idea of taking them to the venues and showing them our budget etc - this way i can also show her where we are not spending money (eg. transport because of all-in-one venue) so she might be happier with me spending a little extra in other areas.

Talk to her hun, at the end of the day, she is your mum and you are her daugther and ultimately her daughers happiness will be the most important thing to her. I would have a heart to heart and say how you feel and then move forward and enjoy the planning and excitement together xx

Right you say that you only got engaged 2 weeks ago..yes.

Just enjoy this time, don't have any more conversations with anyone but your H2B until you have really decided what you want, 2012 is far enough away for you to wait until christmas to choose destinations for your wedding and who's going to do what.

Once you have decided, only then start telling people your plans as they will realise that you've given some time to thinking about everything carefully.

Your mum is just excited and wants everything to be right for her your ? special day

i know what your going through blonde viki i had (have) the same problem but its not my mum it my mother in law to be.

i always dreamed of how my wedding would be and i agree with you you will only do this once so it should be how you want it.

my mother in law has tried to take over ever bit of my wedding and caused alot of disagreements with me and my fiance.

it got so bad that i planned and booked everything myself (with my fiance) just to stop all the disagreements.

my fiance and i get married in just over 6 weeks and she is finally beginning to listen to us and realise that it is our day not hers.

so hang in there viki it is hard and it might get worse but at the end of the day you stick to what you want and dreamed of.?

I think you need to remind her that nothing is set in stone as yet! And you are just kinda getting used to the idea yourself. Maybe if you were to meet up with her and have a look throught bridal mags or something liek that and get a feel for eachothers ideas, cos you might come round to some of the things she likes and she might do the same with yours! Try and keep your mum on your side tho. Iv had a wee hic-up with mu MIL2b and mum has kept me right with it. Hope you get things sorted ok!!