My MIL is a snoop!

? Your MiL is a witch. I and others have said this before but unless your H is prepared to stand up to her and take away the keys you will have to suck it up.

WSophS

I thought my MIL was bad but she does have some boundaries!

I'm getting better at sucking it up!? I'd just thought I'd share.

Eek, that is completely unacceptable and a huge invasion of privacy.

Is there any reason for your MIL to have keys to your home? If not, i'd be claiming that I had lost my keys and asking her for the spare set back.

What did you say? I'd have flipped. I can't imagine someone doing something similar to me more than once.

Your MIL is an absolute nightmare but she's getting away with it because your H hasn't stood up to her and insisted on having the keys back. I wouldn't care what tantrum she throws, I would not let her have keys to the house. Your H needs to sort this out, I don't know how you've put up with it for so long. ?

I don't know the background with your inlaws but mine are horrid, I found out that my MIL had been snooping in my house and when I found out I hit the roof, resulting in cutting them out of my life for over a year. I now "communicate" with them, only for the sake of my daughter and they are no longer allowed in my home.

Did you tell her that you'd bought the pram with the £300? Was your H there when she said this?

I do think that your H needs to stand up to his mum. As a solution to the key issue, get yourself down to B&Q, buy a new lock and change the locks....then when they next try to walk in your house when your not there they may have a problem. ? And if it comes up that you've changed the locks, just say you lost your keys so for security reasons you changed the locks....but you only have two keys ?

Gawd, I've thought this before but it bears saying again - your husband needs to grow a pair. I don't think you should even be trying to 'suck it up'. I know you've said in the past that to an extent it's a cultural thing, but the having a key wouldn't be an issue if she wasn't so very interfering, would it? If she let herself in and made a cup of tea, put on the TV etc I imagine you wouldn't have a problem with that. But she has proved she can't be trusted with your personal documents and privacy and it really needs to stop, it shows such a total lack of respect.

WifeyLind, I'm not sure your suggestion is the solution because it's just dodging the issue. She needs to be told.

You've hit the nail on the head there. I tried speaking to H about it last night, but I'm sick of having arguments with him over her. To be honest in every other way he is a model husband, but when it comes to his mum he's blind. I asked him very calmly if his mum thought she had the right to come into my house and snoop through our things. He said 'Well obviously she thinks she has the right, that's why she does it. She really doesn't see anything wrong with it'. He accepts that it's not normal, but he's not willing to say or do anything about it. Which means that if I say anything it'll be shot down and I'll get no support.

We're having some work done on another house which we bought recently and the builder starts this week. She's taken it on herself to go down there and will be telling the builder exactly how to do his job and has decided that the bathroom and kitchen will both need extractor fans so she'll tell the builder to make sure he puts them in!

I'm dealing with a bull headed woman who genuinly believes that she knows better than anyone and a husband who won't dare incur the wrath of his mother.

It's time for your husband to find his bollocks and man up. I know he's a model husband in all other respects but this is such a big issue and it will only get worse. The more I think about this it's more your husband's fault than his mother's. He needs to set boundaries for her. She's from another generational where culturally mothers had much more influence over the lives of their children.

Tell her yourself. Tell her and your husband you don't care what they think is right and that you don't want her going through your stuff or poking her nose in. They seem to consider your feelings about this so don't hold back.

At this stage, bollocks to your H. Grow a pair yourself, change the locks and tell her she's bang out of order.

Your H won't do anything about it. It's making your life pretty miserable. The only option left is to do something about it yourself - it's pretty clear your H is going to do naff all.

?

She sounds like a total nightmare, if it were me i'd be getting the locks changed pronto then she can't get in so will have to learn some boundaries. Also some locksmiths have a system whereby it's only them that can supply extra keys to that lock so she can't help herself to getting another one cut without you knowing about it first.

If your husband isn't willing to stand up to her then I think you're going to have to.

Good luck

I hate confrontation and have 30 years worth of Asian culture behind me which states that you do not upset your elders. If I did tell her what I thought of her actions, the first thing she'd do is go to my parents (yes I know I'm not a child). My parents would be shamed because they've not bought their daughter up properly and they'd then have to put the pressure on, for me to conform.

My MIL is very clever verbally and has the memory of an elephant, there is no way I could win any argument with her. I go to pieces and will start crying before I can say anything. It's just the way I am I always get choked up or cry when I get into arguments.

Oh that sucks. Do you parents know that she snoops? What if you asked for their advice on how to deal with it?

I really do feel for you. ?

You've done the change the locks and withold the key thing in the past, haven't you?

Do I also remember you saying that one of the reasons your H won't stand up to her (apart from muslim men having to respect their mothers) is that she could decide at any moment to live with you so he tries to keep her sweet to prevent this?

I did actually change the locks about a year ago. When she found out she came over and demanded that I hand over my keys so that she could have a copy made. I told her no, but she wouldn't take no for an answer, she took the keys, got a copy made and then told me that she was doing me a favour because when I got locked out at least she'd have a spare set.

My mum and dad feel sorry for her because she lost her husband over 20 years ago and has bought 3 kids up on her own. They wouldn't like to upset her because of this. My mum is horrified that she snoops, but if confronted my MIL would never admit to it as snooping. The notebook incident would be covered up by saying one of the grandkids was playing with it and she just happened to see it that way. Once when she was over on her own and was snooping in the cupboard under the stairs she had clearly been going through stuff in carrier bags which was stored there, when I asked what she was doing in the cupboard in the first place, she said she was looking for the hoover. She is very quick and clever at thinking on her feet and will turn the situation around to make the other person look bad for asking.

I really couldn't cope. I don't think I'd be too fussed about who I offended, it's not bloody on that she does this. It's rude and I think your husband should stop worrying about upsetting his mum and worry more about upsetting his wife. I'll happily put her in her place - let me know where and when.

To be honest, I really feel for you as it sounds like there is literally nothing you can do. If you take her keys back, it will cause a row. If you accuse her of snooping, she'll deny it. It sounds like all you can really do is hide anything you don't want her to see away in a lock box (filing type thing, all our utility bills and car stuff are in ours) and just tell her it only came with one key (which you keep on you for security). I think you're beyond a WWYD (which wasn't in your post in the first place) as she is so unreasonable that there is nowhere for you to go. ?

I have my own small moments of pettiness. My MIL has a relative who works as a driver delivering veg to restuarants. As he lives local to me he will drop of bags of (I assume pilfered) veg at my house. My MIL then expects H to drop it off at hers or she will let herself in and take it (another reason she has to have my keys). Last week we were out when the relative called around so he left it in front of the door but behind the wheelie bin. He then called my MIL to say he'd left it out, but my dodgy looking neighbours had seen him do it. This put the wind up my MIL who thought my neighbours might have stolen her stolen veg. She started frantically calling both me and H to ensure that we got the veg and bought it in safely. When we got home the bags were there so we dutifully let her know and bought them in. When H went out later someting evil ans spiteful in me came out and I looked through the bags and pulled out the tomatoes, there was about 2 or 3 kilos of them. I was going to bin them but I felt bad wasting food so I stuck the lot in my freezer! I then ripped one of the bags inside and told my H that it looked like the bags had been rifled through before we bought them in. I know this makes me spiteful and not much better than her, but it felt good.

Now pelt her with the frozen tomatoes, I reckon you'd feel even better still.

I have no idea how you cope. I would be on my way to the sodding divorce courts by now. She's absolutely out of order - I can't believe your parents would think her behaviour acceptable.

This is a horrible situation for you to be in. I don't know how I'd cope if it was me.

Some thoughts. May or may not be feasible. So, your MIL has keys to your house and claims it's for security reasons? Presumably then, you have a key to her house too, for the same reasons? I'm guessing that you actually don't, as she sounds like a control freak. If I'm right and you don't, why not ask for one? When she says no, throw her reasons for having your key right back at her. If she won't give you a key, you then have ammunition for removing your key from her. If she does let you have a key, start doing to her what she does to you. If she complains, you can perfectly innocently say that, as she does this at your house all the time, you thought it was acceptable behaviour to her.

That's all a bit passive/aggressive and not the course of action I would normally recommend, but it seems that you've tried all 'normal' means of sorting this situation, without success. Maybe it's time to try something like this?

I have no idea how you cope. Having a MIL like that with keys to my house would be a dealbreaker for me. It really would.

My MIL is a devout catholic - I have never seen anyone make my H go to pieces like she can.

Lockable filing cabinet, no need for her to have a key to that.

And a large pile of interesting looking paperwork, with a mousetrap inside...................

i offered to do this when i was heavily pregnant and very hormonal - mind you i would still be up for it if you fancy a day trip out....

How I wish you could get hold of some of that security stuff that banks (in films, I don't know if they do it in real life!) put in money bags that explodes and covers robbers with purple dye. You could put it in your paperwork and when she snooped and got covered you could just say, "well I put it there in case we get broken-in to. I am going to put it everywhere I wouldn't want people looking at my private or valuable stuff"

Please someone say you know where to get some from...........

How about investing in a extra large handbag, keep all your personal papers in there so if you're out it goes with you....meaning she can snoop about as much as she likes she'll never find anything interesting and may one day get so bored she gives up?? Alternatively how about a safe hidden away in a spare room wardrobe or something?

Surely a note concealed within the pile of papers, with "Stop reading my private stuff, you nosy old crone" would suffice?