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Nightmare mother of the bride

HappyIvoryHair6003, 7 February 2022 at 13:17 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 5

I’m really here to vent and ask for advice if i am being horrid. My mum has been horrible through my whole planning process extremely controlling, nasty etc. It all started with dress shopping she told me under no circumstance could i bring nay of bridesmaids it was only me and her allowed to go as she was paying for the dress. I let her away with this but i would really have loved to have my mum and all my bridesmaids there. Then when discussing the bus we are putting on for the wedding she became very nasty and controlling when i said i was just putting on a bus to take people home, she told me no one will come to my wedding as i am being rude by not putting a bus both ways. Even after i told her this is because my own guests told me they would prefer to make their own way there she still stopped speaking to me and tried to control the outcome telling me my own aunts were talking about me behind my back due to it (they weren’t). Then when i was to collect my dress she did not speak to me the entire car journey and when i asked why she kicked off started saying how this was ‘’her wedding’’ and she has a say in it all (again this was relating back to the bus) she ended up sending me alone to collect my dress, it was a very traumatic experience she was also secretly recording me after goading me into the argument which my dad told me a few days later. Then yesterday at our final planning meeting we advised my parents for the top table they will sit together(not in the old traditional way), she kicked off at this again saying she will be mortified if she doesn’t sit next to my partners father as that tradition and people will talk about the family , i lost my temper here and told her it was not up for discussion we have our reasons that we want the table to be that way that she does not need to know about. she again is not talking to me, my entire life she has done this to me and I’m really at the end of my tether, the whole process she has made very very difficult for me to plan my wedding. She can be very narcissistic and always tries to manipulate me into things or tell me if i don’t things a certain way people will talk about me or words to that affect. I’m i being unreasonable by not doing everything she wants?

5 replies

Latest activity by LuxuriousPurpleBridesmaid73066, 8 February 2022 at 21:59
  • R
    Super July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Do you actually want your mother at your wedding? She sounds like she is causing you a lot of unhappiness and turning what should be a joyful time into something really traumatic.

    If you can afford it, I would return the money she has paid for the dress and not accept any other financial contribution from her - controlling people should never be allowed to contribute as it makes them feel entitled to dictate. And to be honest, if her behaviour doesn't improve pretty fast, I'd be inclined to uninivite her from the wedding too.

    Whatever you decide, I would encourage you to agree some firm boundaries with your OH as to what you will tolerate from her in future and don't be afraid to implement them. My mother used to be incredibly nasty and controlling - now we have firm boundaries in place, her behaviour is a lot better - not brilliant, but she knows if she oversteps the mark we hang up/walk out/ask her to leave, so she's learning not to go too far.

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  • Jess
    Dedicated October 2022 Worcestershire
    Jess ·
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    You're not being unreasonable at all. No matter what she says, it is YOUR day and not hers. Presumably, she had her 'turn' many years ago!?

    I can totally sympathise with your situation insofar as your mum thinks that because she's contributing financially that she has a say in everything and generally I would say that it's about compromising on the things that you're really not bothered about and putting your foot down elsewhere but it sounds like your mum is disagreeing with everything!

    If you can, I would say to totally stick by what you want! If you still choose to allow her to be part of your day then even if she is a grump I doubt/hope she wouldn't ruin things for you overall and you'll still look back on your day with so much love, particularly knowing it was all done just how you wanted.

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  • Charlotte
    VIP April 2022 Wiltshire
    Charlotte ·
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    I am so sorry that you are having this experience with your Mum. I thought mine was being demanding, but your situation is making my mums demands look easy. The fact is this is YOUR day, and you should do what YOU want. you are not being unreasonable, she is! It concerns me that she recorded you and also not allowing anyone else to come to the dress shopping with you?? Parents have traditional views and my mum is the same and feels it reflects on her, but as I said, WE are hosting it so there is no reflection on her and I doubt anyone will care that our top table is different.

    We are doing away with a lot of the traditions and my mum has been very vocal about not agreeing with our choices, she has been telling family members that she doesn't think my Fiancé is contributing enough (her opinion, not fact as we do not discuss our finances with her but she has always had an issue that I earn double what he does so believes he doesn't contribute enough!) she also told Aunties that she thinks my future father in law is rude (she met him for 5 minutes when she turned up at our house unannounced when he was there to watch football with my OH so wasn't really in a talkative mood and is quite an introverted person). She has been quite negative with our choices and made some very spiteful comments, I got to the point where I stopped talking to her for a while and no longer tell her anything about our plans which I would recommend you do, If she asks then tell her it is a surprise and you will not be discussing it.

    It is so hard as all you want is for your mum to be onboard and supportive. I eventually sat her down and told her that whilst she is entitled to an opinion, she doesn't need to voice it, especially to other family members, as in honesty it is bitching. I have told her that we are doing things our way, it is not her wedding and I will take her opinions on board but she has to respect our decisions, and ultimately, if she cant be nice or be on board then she doesn't need to attend. it was horrible but I told her that she is making me upset and feeling hatred towards he, which is not how anyone wants to feel about their parent. This is the most important day of my life and frankly she is causing me so much stress and embarrassment with her comments I am not excited anymore and that is down to her.

    I think it is past the point of talking to her, as it doesn't seem she will listen, maybe your Da could have a word? Surly after the recording situation he must see this is not rational behavior? I am so sorry, I cant think of what else you can do, other than stay strong and lean on your FH for support,. Please do not feel bad or make excuses for her behavior, you are doing nothing wrong. I wish you all the luck and hope you have the best day XX

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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2023 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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  • L
    Dedicated June 2019
    LuxuriousPurpleBridesmaid73066 ·
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    I am so sorry you are going through this. It is your day not hers and your not being unreasonable by not agreeing with everything she wants. Not that it helps you but I wonder if your mum has narcissistic personality disorder or something similar. As others have said you and your partner need to set firm boundaries on what behaviour you are willing to accept from your mum and stand firm on that or else she will continue to try and dictate the way she thinks everything should be done in your life. I wish you all the luck in the world and remember it is your day so enjoy it as it passes in a whirlwind.
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