OH's changed his mind

Confusing. Why did he propose if he doesn't want to get married? I see engagement as a commitment, a promise to marry. My in-laws never married, they've been engaged for 27 years, they're happy, but why just be engaged? Perhaps you need to delve a little deeper with your fiancé? Best of luck xx

I find this very odd, why would he ask you to marry him? Then refuse to get married.

I think personally i would feel quite cheated but marriage is very inportant to me, as above says i would try to find out why hes so against getting married

all the best

When we got engaged I was always under the assumption that we would get married, I don't really want to be engaged unless we will be going all the way and getting wed

That's not why I said yes

Being engaged IS a promise to get married. I find it weird when people are ready to get engaged but not married. I too would be very unhappy with the situation - marriage was important to me and I made that clear from the outset of my relationship with my H. OP, is this really what you want? Would you not rather be with someone who's ready for a full commitment?

Aww hun, do you know why he doesnt want to get married now or why he put a 5 year time frame on it?

since there is still 3 years before your date, do you think he will keep doing this?

married is very important to me and i wouldnt be happy with that. i'd sit down and talk to him xx

Wss

To be honest, I would not be happy with that situation at all and would feel that I was being messed about.

There is no real reason that you have to get married and you can't just be long term engaged, but then why get engaged? I suppose it might single the next step of commitment.

If you are both happy just being engaged then that's fine. However the fact that you joined this Web site's forum and posted this indicates to me that you want a wedding and want to be married.

Sending you a hug as this is a horrible situation to be in.

Like the others have said, he gave you an engagement ring which symbolises marriage.

You want to get married and he doesn't, I would be asking him why you got engaged?

If you don't want the same things then get out of this relationship, be with someone who wants to get married and don't let him muck you about.

X

My thoughts exactly. Are you truly happy with this? It is mixed signals if on one hand he doesn't want to marry you but on the other hand proposed to you.

I would also feel a bit 'cheated' and in a strange way, it would feel to me he has called the engagement off because he doesn't want to get married. It's clear from your post that you are and were expecting to get married and it's an important issue for you. If he wants a 5 year engagement, then I think you have to ask yourself how will you feel at the end of the 5 years having waited all that time and he turns round then and says that he still doesn't want to get married?

I think it's the time to have a serious chat and try and get to the bottom of his reasons why he doesn't want to marry. I truly admire your commitment not to leave him but from your comments, I don't feel that this is really what you want. If it was me, I would be showing him the door.

So sorry this is happening to you.

it seems very unfair. has he given you any reasons? as in, why propose in the first place? i understand people having long engagements (but that is clear between the two parties from the get go). i dont understand the switch in direction.

is it maybe financial? boys get funny notions. they dont always realise that we would happily get married in a bus stop wearing a binbag....

hope you get sorted with him xxx

Just wondering, does he personally or a close family member have a bad history of marriage and that's scaring him making the commitment? I think it sounds like he doesn't want to get married for some reason but wanting to keep engaged to keep you on his side. I think you should be having a serious honest think with yourself how this would make you feel if he never changed his mind and you never got your day. I presume, with the date of your potential wedding you won't be loosing deposits etc? If you are he should be the one covering those!

I know of quite a few people who are engaged yet the words "will you marry me?" have never been said, simply "let's get engaged". It wouldn't do for me either. To me being engaged is what happens when someone asks you to marry them and you say yes.

If he asked you to marry him then you need to understand what's changed. As for making do, only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

FWIW to me, being happy to stay engaged is a bit controlling almost like saying you belong to him but he wants to keep his options open. And once you ask someone to marry you, the engagement is a temporary thing until you are married, albeit it could be a long engagement.

I never thought OH and I would get married as he was dead set against it. I decided being with him and not married was for more than searching for someone to get married to. Then in his own time he decided he wanted us to be married so we did.

At the end of the day, it's all what matters to you and what you and your OH want and are happy with. But be happy, don't make do.

I don't know how much you've already discussed with your OH but I would be really upset and wouldn't be able to just let it go that easily. I don't understand why he was happy to get engaged (which is a promise to get married) and now doesn't want to follow through?

You were going for a quite long engagement anyway, I would want to find out why exactly he doesn't want to get married.

Mine didn't want to get married as he has had terrible role models and seen only the negative side of relationships. He only proposed when he felt ready to marry me. 8 months later we were married! As others have said, being engaged is a promise to get married, he shouldn't have proposed to you if this wasn't his intention. I think you need to sit him down and talk to him. He needs to know why getting married is important to you, you need to understand what's holding him back. Hope you work it out.

I'm just echoing what others have said really.

You 100% need to find out what his reasons are! A 5 year engagement is a long time for him to prepare himself. There is no point in being engaged if you're never going to get married.

For me personally, marriage is a huge thing. If my partner did not want to get married I would have to question if continuing with the relationship is what I'd want.

Good luck with everything. X

Hmm... very strange situation. I wouldn't have been happy with just being engaged. My bro has been with his gf for about 15 years and they're kind of engaged. I think he just bought her a ring to shut her up but he's always said he never wants to get married! She's accepted it I think but that wouldn't do for me.

Did he go into why he's changed his mind??

I agree with the others, I think he is being very unfair to you, and putting you in a very awkward situation, where you potentially come off as the "bad guy" no matter what the outcome. I hope you can talk about it with him, it all sounds odd to me, starting with him insisting on a 5 year engagement, I don't really like the idea of that either, to be honest. Big hugs to you.

You're either engaged with a plan to get married or not engaged. I wouldn't want to be in limbo so would say I'd rather not have the ring and not be engaged then he can propose if / when he actually feels ready to get married. It's up to you how long you wait but he's obviously not ready at the moment so he shouldn't have proposed.

My OH has had to bad previous marriage experiences, so when we got together I knew I would have to wait for him to be ready to get married again. I always knew it would happen, it was just a case of when. I did make it explicitly clear to OH thought that when he did propose we weren't doing the long engagement thing. If he asked me to marry him, it was to get married, not to be engaged for years.

As the others have said, you really need to talk to him about this. You need to find out exactly what the problem is, if it were me I'd be devestated but I wouldn't be hanging around.

Exactly this. By withdrawing his proposal of marriage which in effect is what he has done, he is leaving his options open forever but still wants you to keep your commitment to him by being 'engaged' in word only.

Oh i'm sorry! you must be quite confused about this change of direction. I hope you have been able to find out why he has changed his mind.

He shouldn't have proposed if he wasn't sure at the time. If you do agree to the 5 year engagement make sure that you see some signs of commitment and change along the way. You don't want to look back in 5 years and be where you are now.

By doing this you've basically said "you made a promise to marry me and gone back on it, but it's totally okay because I won't leave you even though we want different things"

Did he say "will you marry me?" when he proposed? Because if he did, and now he's saying he doesn't want to, I'd be questioning the relationship if I'm honest.

A long engagement is fair enough for whatever reason. But there has to be an intention to marry or it's not an engagement. It's having his cake and eating it. He shouldn't have proposed if he doesn't want to get married. Has he told you why he doesn't want to?

Sorry for being so blunt, but going back on something like that is not fair to you at all.

Anyone else reminded of a few weeks ago with the "It's not an engagement ring it's a promise ring" thread?

Yeah - i remember that thread... I don't get promise rings. Just seems a bit of a weirdy fad to me...

I have to say that for myself I agree with Calella. I would have been out of there quicker than he said 'long engagement', BUT it is your life and so you need to make up your own mind about what's best for you.

I hope you get the answers you need to come to a conclusion.

I have resisted replying but now feel I have to.

I cannot believe the suggestions here that the OP should consider leaving him. Sat behind this screen we cannot begin to understand the reasons behind his action/decision.

If a couple are happy together then a wedding/marriage shouldn't be the be all and end all of a relationship.

Plenty of couples stay together for life without a wedding/marriage and plenty of married couples split up.

The OP should really be talking to her partner and finding out why he's had a change of heart, there could be a number of reasons not just ones that means he wants to have his cake and eat it.

I hope the OP returns to let us know how she is getting on.

Very true, but those couples aren't usually engaged. The reason we are questioning their relationship is cos there is very little point staying in a relationship knowing that the commitment you desire isn't there and you have been made what may turn out to be empty promises. Yes he may have his reasons for not wanting to get married, but the OP deserves not to be strung along with an engagement that never turns into anything more. It's called engaged to be married for a reason.

What ID said.

Wouldn't you question a relationship when you're asked (and agree) to a lifelong commitment to a person but then they decide they don't want to make the same level of commitment as you?

If the OP wants to get married and their partner doesn't then their life goals are different. One person is going to have to compromise and know that they haven't got what they wanted. If they can do that, then great!

Couples who are happily unmarried probably made that decision together, instead of a promise being made then taken back. On reading the OP, she's not happy with his decision to not get married.

What ID said.

Of course plenty of people stay together who are not married. That's not OPs situation though. A) she wants to get married and B) she thought her OH wanted to get married to her and now that's on hold.

People are picking up on the fact that he asked her to marry him and then according to the OP 'changed his mind'.

Only OP knows what she wants in this situation. Calella, i think, helpfully pointed out that it's not only about what her OH is fearing, but that she needs to look out for herself and ensure she is not strung along.

Maybe its just me but I don't understand the preasure and need to get married.

I agree his change of mind is a little odd but we also have very little information as to why he has decided to do this.

Is it not also better that he said now instead of closer to the time when planning/booking had started or even after they are wed?

So why are you getting married? I wanted to get married cos I wanted security and commitment (amongst other reasons). Why isn't it okay for the OP to want that too?

I never needed to get married and I was up front with my h2b that it didn't bother me if we got married tomorrow, next year, in 20 years or never. We are getting married because h2b thought why not? and I agreed.

I already felt secure and committed, I don't see how a piece of paper is going to change that.

My point though is I think its poor advise to advise someone to consider whether or not they want to be with someone based on the little information we have been given.

If the OP said, my OH has changed his mind and says he wants to keep his options open, he doesn't see a future with me anymore etc etc then fine, but the OP hasn't said that, they said he's changed his mind but not called off the engagement and the OP wants to stay with him and I suggest the OP finds out his reasons why before jumping the gun.

Well i think it is more than a little odd that OP does not seem to know why her OH has made this decision.

But you're right it's good he told her now so she can assess whether she wants to remain in the relationship.

I'm sure he's confused and struggling to put things into words, but I really think he needs to try for OP's sake.

I don't understand why we're talking about the need/pressure to get married? Surely this is all about OP having a choice and say in the matter?? She wants to get married. Her OH doesn't want to get married (at least at the moment). She shouldn't just have to give up on what she wants especially as he has not provided a proper explanation as to why he's changed his mind.