OH's changed his mind

The OP wants advice. We've told her what we would do, are we supposed to sugar coat it and say "of course we wouldn't consider leaving our partner if they call off our engagement and want different things in life"

Underlining the parts from the OP, she implies she isn't happy about his decision. Posting this in the first place implies to me that there's a little seed of doubt in her mind. She feels she'll be making do. Would you want to continue a relationship where you felt like that? I sure as hell wouldn't.

Well, there ya go. I felt very differently and it seems from her post like the OP does too. Perhaps we need further clarification from her in this particular case, but generally speaking, it seems a bit redundant to debate the point of marriage on a wedding forum!

I'm sorry Charlie but I just can't follow your thought process on this. OP's other half has proposed with a view to getting married, now he's said he doesn't want to get married, I can't see how that can be anything other than calling off the engagement. Maybe calling it 'keeping his options open' is a step too far, but once you've taken the step towards getting married, (ie getting engaged) I can't see why you would then not want to get married unless you no longer wanted to be with that person. I can understand postponing a wedding for a variety of reasons, I can understand having a long engagement for a variety of reasons, but I just cannot understand it from the point of view that one partner has changed their mind.

I was willing to wait for as long as it took for my OH to ask me to marry him, but if he said now he'd changed his mind I would be devestated and there would be no way I could just carry on being engaged to him. It's not about the pressure to marry, it's about a promise that was made when two people said yes to marriage and became engaged.

Our relationship is incredibly strong and we are very happy together, for me getting married would be the icing on the cake for our relationship, I wouldn't leave him just because he didn't want to get married as I do genuinely believe he is 'the one' and I don't want to throw away our relationship over 1 thing that we disagree on.

He hasn't said why he doesn't want to get married, he just says he doesn't, so I have given him the choice;

We either get married when we said we would (or bring it forward a year like I wanted to) or we call off the engagement all together and stay as BF/GF/Common Law

No middle ground, no being engaged for another 12 months and seeing how he feels as most people have pointed out it's not fair on me to keep thinking there might be a chance we will get marrie if there isn't

Fair enough OP - sounds like you've made your choice.

if you're ok with this then i'm happy for you. I hope you're relationship flourishes either way and you are happy together.

Sorry to be pernickety but there is no such thing as a common law wife. I always worry when people mention that word, as in law this concept does not exist and lots of people seem to think it does. If you don't get married then make sure you have your finances in order and get some advice from a solicitor. If you're going to be bf/gf for ever you need some Wills put in place and your how you hold your property looked at.

All the best!

MrsPanda, is it possible that it's the wedding itself that he doesn't want? Is he anxious about standing up in front of a lot of people and being the center of attention for the day? Or is it the level of commitment that he's not ready for yet? I think I'd want to know before I could move on with the relationship.

Hopefully he'll find the words to explain to you how he feels.

It's good to hear that you aren't going to let this ruin what you say is a good relationship, this is the point I was trying to make, I didn't think it was right to suggest ending a relationship over this one thing, unless it had a deeper darker meaning behind it.

You might not find someone who fits you quite as well as he does.

As another poster has said maybe its "the big day" that is bothering him? We are only having a small wedding of very close friends and family, aside from not wanting a huge day I know for both of us standing in front of that many people would be quite daunting, we much more excited and looking forward to the party bit after and hanging out with out nearest and dearest.

Our plan was to get married abroad, me, him, his best man and my maid of honour and that was it. If anyone else wanted to attend then they could but we would only be doing formal invites for the evening reception only

Then it's the commitment he's worried about? That would strike alarm bells with me and I'd be worried he didn't see the relationship as a long term thing. Not saying you should end things just that I would want to fully know what his reasons were.

From a bloke's point of view - engagement without planning to get married (or at least not in near future) is not that odd. I haven't really thought about getting married at any specific time when I proposed, but we end up getting married after 3 years. I know another couple who's been together for 17 years, about half of this time engaged and they only got married a couple of months ago.

With that being said, I think agreeing to a wedding and then changing mind is not right... even for a guy ?

Andy

I wasn't referring to financial security. I am 40 and was single and in full time work for many years - finances played no part whatsoever in my desire to get married. I meant emotional security. We stood up in front of God and made promises to stay together and work on our relationship forever, and that was, and is, very important to me. Yes you can have security of all types, and commitment, without marriage - but I love being married. Again, it's a bit odd having to defend that on here!

I'm with ID on this one.

If you don't want to get married don't. Personally, i am not fully clear why people bother if they don't think it will make a difference to their relationship.

But each to their own methinks...

I don't think it matters whether a couple gets married or not, as long as both partners are on the same page about it.

If both want to get married, it's fine. If both don't, it's fine too. It's when one does and one doesn't, that it's a problem.

My OH and I both want to get married, but while I think he looks at it purely from a romantic viewpoint, for me it is both a romantic as well as a practical matter (regarding making medical decisions for each other, benefits, inheriting etc etc.).

I don't think it's necessarily a problem if the OP is happy to stay unmarried which is why I didn't suggest leaving her partner, only she can decide that. But I do think it is worth digging a little deeper to find out why her partner doesn't want to get married, and whether it is something that can be fixed. I don't think it automatically means a lack of commitment, but I know I would have a problem with it, especially after they first got engaged and now he decides he doesn't want to get married.

There is no such thing as 'common law' in the uk. Legally marriage is the only real protection you get. So for all those saying it's just a bit of paper, sorry it isn't. Unless you go to a solicitor and get something agreed then if you split you aren't entitled to any of your partners assets. For example on death, without a will there is no automatic inheritance, neither can you claim for assets if you were to split. And if you have children, unless you're financial stable yourself, you and your children can be left in a very vulnerable position, especially if you aren't working. It's a myth many people think is true.

Sorry though, if it were me I'd be questioning his general commitment. If both of you are happy living together that's not a problem, but you aren't and until recently he wanted to get married too, so I would want to know what's changed.

I agree with Inked Doll.

OP, I really think you need to sit down and discuss your OH's reasons for not wanting to get married. If it isn't about the wedding itself, then why? I couldn't be happy in a relationship like that and I'm not sure you can really - won't you always wonder why he didn't want to marry you?

As to those asking what the point in getting married is - the point is to become a secure unit, a family unit and to show your love to the world. To be a partnership, working together for your common goals. While you can have all of this as a non-married couple, being married (for me anyway) really gets the point across. When I met my husband, I had said I would never marry again. I didn't want to be left vulnerable and alone ever again and I'd rather stay as I was than get married to anyone else. He changed my mind - not because it made financial sense (it doesn't) or because I wanted security (I didn't), but because I love him and I want the world to know that and he loves me.

Marriage isn't about money and what happens when it ends, it's about the journey to get there and the only reason to get married is because this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

OP, this is why I would question him - because it implies he doesn't feel the same way you do.

My worry would be does he not want to get married or does he not want to marry me? I would actually be very angry if I couldn't get an explanation, you deserve one.

Plus after five years you know if you're with someone you want to be with or not. I wonder if he's never wanted to get married and thought five years was long enough to keep ticking along without having to think about it.

It doesn't appear that he is giving you any reasons for this and it is unacceptable, I actually think he is stringing you along.....if it were me I would leave him and start a new life and meet someone who wants to get married. In my opinion he is taking you for a ride, sorry to be so blunt x

In your situation I would want to know why and I think you need to have this conversation - not in a shouty way but I'm the sort of person where unless he explained it then it would niggle in the back of my mind which would eventually put a strain on my relationship. But that's just me!

I gave him the option of getting married or calling the engagement off so I am not being stringed along planning and prepping the wedding for it all to be a waste of time and effort and he has chosen to call the engagement off and he won't change his mind on getting married so that's that pretty much

We are still very committed to eachother and that won't change, I refuse to end our relationship and be miserable with someone else just so I can get married

Mrspanda18 - the most important thing here is that you are happy. If you truly are happy with the situation then I wish you all the luck in the world.

What MrsFitt said, it's important you are happy, that's all that matters!

I too hope you're genuinely happy. I guess it just baffles me that you're so accepting of his inability to give you an explanation. A mutual decision to just live together is fine, but to propose and then retract it just seems mean. Please do consider the legal aspect though, as I said before, there is no such thing as common law. Particularly important if you ever decide to have children.

He owns our home (I moved in with him) we don't have any shared bank accounts or savings, we have decided not to have children and taken the necessary steps to ensure that we don't get pregnant

If we were to split up, we would both walk away with what we brought into the relationship

He doesn't really have a reason for not wanting to get married, I posed the question to him last night and he said the only answer he can come up with is that 'he doesn't want to feel trapped'

He admitted that he didn't see that as a valid or good reason and would give it some thought further, I have also suggested couples counselling in the near future just so we can keep on the same track and get the best out of our relationship

Honestly, I would rather he told me that he didn't want to get married rather than what happened to my husband's sister. We'll call her Jane and her partner John.

Jane was with John for 7 years. She really wanted to get married so they could start a family. He proposed with a beautiful ring. I came on the scene at the time of the engagement, and he didn't turn up to the family gathering celebrating their engagement Well, they had a two year engagement which culminated in a massive wedding. At least 150 guests, five course dinner, museum overlooking the water hired out, etc.

The marriage lasted 4 months. Marriage for some reason changed something in his head and he started seeing the receptionist at work. It absolutely devastated Jane. She moved in with her parents and they tried to work it out for about 18 months. She became very bitter as her friends were married and having children, and she was trying to salvage her marriage.

He never wanted to get married. He did it to make her happy, and he couldn't cope.

This would set alarm bells ringing for me, not once have I considered my future marriage as being trapped with someone. I see it as forming a partnership with someone I want to commit to for the rest of my life.

If it's something you can accept then I wish you both all the happiness in the world!

Same here. Massive red flag to me. What if he starts seeing a long term relationship as "being trapped" too...?

He called the engagement off and said that he'd feel trapped? I'm sorry but who does this to someone they love? I'd be deverstated if this happened to me. If your happy not getting married and never getting married then that a different issue to him propsing and then calling the whole thing off, that seems cruel to me.

Alarm bells here too about the "feeling trapped" - The only thing is (I can't remember if you mentioned it) - how old are both of you? Does he feel too young to get married? But regardless, when you are with the right partner =, a relationship or marriage isn't like feeling trapped. To me that would suggest something is wrong.

Nearly 10 years ago, I was in a relationship - it didn't last very long, but when he broke up with me he said the reason was he didn't want to be in a relationship and get married young etc. etc. I kept prodding and he eventually told me he didn't have any feelings for me. By the way, he did get married two years later, obviously it was never about getting married young or whatever, he just had to find the right partner.

How do you feel about him saying that? Are you ok?? I feel awful for you! This is a really tough situation you're in.

I totally agree with Stephny - Relationship Counselling could be immensely helpful for you both. This situation is stressful and hurtful and it's good to work through that to avoid resentment brewing.

You seem to have made up your mind to stay with him. We can only speculate about his motives for calling off the engagement (I agree with the others that they are questionable). Counselling would certainly help give you clarity on how you can move on.

I hope you are alright! Looking at your replies and what he has said, I feel he is taking the p$$$ out of you. It seems to be what he wants (no marriage, no children), I wouldn't waste my time on him x