OH's changed his mind

He doesn't want to feel trapped? Oh dear, massive red flag.

To me that means he isn't in this 100% and wants an option of a way out. Sorry, but if you are worrying about feeling trapped you're not in it for the long haul. Whose decision was it not to have children?

Worrying about feeling trapped is not something someone in a 'committed relationship' thinks about.

It was a mutual decision not to have children and it is something we have discussed at length

The more I think about not getting married to him the more upset it makes me, he is refusing to go to couples counselling as he thinks it 'would be an absolute nightmare to have counselling together' His reason for this would be because I would be second guessing everything the counsellor says as I am a trainee counsellor, I don't want to end the relationship but I don't want to be miserable either

While I don't think you should just up and pack your bags in high dudgeon, I do think you need to have a good long think about what you want out of this relationship.

Counselling would definitely be a good idea, and the fact that he doesn't want to go is also ringing alarm bells for me. If he knows you're a trainee counsellor, then I assume he knows that there are rules about how it works so it sounds like an excuse to me.

If I were you, I'd take myself out of there for a while to have a break, really think things through and give him a chance to miss you.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, I can't imagine all the things running through your head and how confusing this all is.

Your OH has given you his reason for not wanting to get married which would worry the hell out of me. To give him a bit of credit he has said that he doesn't think it's a valid reason and has said he will give it more thought. I know he has said he doesn't want to go to couples counselling but I personally think due to his behaviour he owes you and should put any worries about you being a trainee counsellor aside.

Having said that, if he won't budge on it, is it worth him going to couples counselling on his own. It sounds like he is quite confused by his actions as well and it may help him figure out why he ended the engagement. Also it may open him up to you joining the sessions later on.

I really hope that you can work this all out, if that is what you decide you want.

Again I agree with BJ. From what's been said I get the impression he wants everything on his own terms. He doesn't want you to leave, but he doesn't want to get married and he can't really give you a clear reason other not than wanting to be trapped yet he won't compromise by considering counselling. I think he's being unfair to you as it does sound a bit like he isn't particularly committed to you.

Given he has retracted his proposal, I would want to know how he intends to demonstrate his commitment to you as let's be honest he's changing the goal posts here.

Ultimately you have to weigh up how you feel about being in a relationship with someone who potentially has their foot out the door verses ending the relationship & starting afresh ( of course this will hard and miserable initially).

But you do deserve to be in a relationship where you are valued and your emotional needs care met.

I personally would walk away.

I never wanted to get married and never wanted kids but I met my fiance and everything changed. I can't wait to marry him, spend the rest of my life with him, introduce him as my husband and have a family with him. I certainly don't feel like I'd be trapped by him and would be seriously worried if I were you. It's not like you were going to have a massive do that would cost loads. What he said about feeling trapped makes me think he doesn't think you will last and wants a quick get out if someone else comes along or if he gets bored. The fact that he doesn't want to go to councilling makes me think he doesn't want to to work on the relationship and that's the whole point of marriage and long term relationships, there not easy and you have to work at it....doesn't appear that he can be bothered. Sorry, it all seems a bit blunt but I would leave him and find someone who appreciates me and doesn't feel trapped by me or stay single and not be with someone who obviously thinks your a liability and isn't in it for the long run anyway.

Hope u get it sorted

I just asked my OH for a man's opinion, and he said it does not sound good. When we met, he didn't want to get married either, but he said that if your OH is saying he doesn't want to feel trapped, then that should ring massive alarm bells. He also said it doesn't sound like your OH is willing to put the effort in to make the relationship work by going to couples' counselling.

To be honest, the fact that you're on here asking for advice tells me that you already have concerns about where this relationship is heading. I suspect we're not saying anything which you haven't already considered on some level.

I also asked my OH for a man opinion. He said that you don't retract a proposal without intending to split up with that person. He said that if from the outset you don't want to marry , as that's what you believe then that's fine, but to propose then change your mind means you don't really want to be with that person and the trapped thing is just an excuse. Sorry.

It does sound as though he has no intention of working on your relationship.

Hi OP.

So far I've been reading and not commenting, but your post about him 'feeling trapped' really resonated with me. It's something that my OH said to me before we got married and it's something I think you should explore.

When I heard those words they were a massive red flag to me. I thought that he didn't want to be 'tied' to a single person (i.e. Me!) and wanted to be free to play the field. When we explored it, it was actually that he didn't want to be 'answerable' to another person. He was very used to ,and valued his independence. I said that I didn't expect him to give up that, or to have to ask for time out to do his own thing, but that as equal partnes I would expect the same considerations he would expect from me - so just the courtesy to check that my activities weren't upsetting other plans, and not having the other person in the dark or worrying about where I am.

Different relationships can handle different levels of freedom - in our case this discussion ended with H going on holiday alone. He ended up missing me so much that he changed his flights and came home a week early. The experience taught him that there is enough freedom and trust in our relationship for him not to be suffocated, but also that he actually likes being 'tied' to me, and it greatly eased our path towards the wedding.

Like the others I think counselling may be a good option (but I also know I would never persuade my OH it was a good idea), but if you can't try to explore his feeling of being trapped. Perhaps it could be like our case where he just needs to know he is still free to be himself, just with you in his corner.

Not sure if this has already been said, but maybe the issue is nerves? Having a big wedding day. Would having a small intimate wedding, or even eloping be an option for you both?

Just seems odd why someone would propose if they don't wish to marry, that is normally what follows a proposal

They were having a small intimate wedding abroad.

Your OH seems to have said a lot about what he doesn't want to do but doesn't seem to be coming up with any sort of plans for the future for you both as a couple. Ok, so he says he doesn't want to get married or engaged or have children but what about your plans and hopes for the future? You will, of course, feel miserable without him and it will take time for you to 'start up' again on your own but once you've made that initial step, found a new home you can call your own, have no-one to answer to but yourself and make your own decisions about what you want to do with the rest of your life, life will become much easier and, in time, you will find someone who shares the same goals in life as you.

I agree with what has been said in that it would be a good idea to move out for a while and give yourselves some time away from each other to see what his reaction is especially as he refuses to go to counselling too. It's not fair on you for him to be dictating the terms all the time. You deserve better than that.

He doesn't want to feel trapped!?

Are you kidding me!? alarm bells alert!!!

I know everyone is different but if I were in your position in would end it.

You want to get married, why should you give up your hopes and dreams for the future??

I'm sorry but something doesn't seem right here.....

OP i'm sorry your OH is not willing to try counselling. I really hope that you're not fooling yourself into believing his silly excuse. You know that he's talking absolute rubbish. you absolutely can do couples therapy and he's just plain lying to you about why he doesn't want to do it.

If he's not willing to go it may help you to go on your own so you have place where you can be totally honest and get some support.

You must know that there is something wrong about this relationship. I agree with everyone else that it's time to move out to work out what you really want out of life.

It'll be hard but you will get over this. Personally I hope that you'll find someone else who can be in a real relationship with you. Someone who cares about what YOU want and isn't solely out to please his own needs.

Stay with us though! We'll listen.

He has changed his reason for not being married to 'he doesn't want to be obligated to anyone or anything but there are special cases' (me)

He has also said he doesn't feel he will benefit from couples counselling as he is not the 'touchy feely' kind of guy (which he isn't) and is adamant he doesn't want to get married and one of us will end up not getting what we want.... Although in the same breathe he said he won't rule it out as he knows how much it means to me (my response was don't tempt me with a carrot and give me a stick)

Fortunately I have to attend a minimum of 10 hours counselling as part of my training so I will be accessing that very soon

How long have you been together, it's possible that he just needs more time and may one day change his mind but is that enough for you? Are you happy to stay with him and potentially never have children and never get married? I don't want children and my oh does but it's something we've discussed in great depth, I realise what he's giving up for me but it's been his choice and it doesn't affect our relationship.

I really feel for you Mrs Panda.

But his new reason makes absolutely no sense at all. In my opinion it is impossible to be in a relationship (even a friendship) without taking on some responsibility or 'obligation' towards the other person and their welfare. That's the beauty of a relationship that you WANT to care for others.

That aside, he is not treating you as if you are a 'special case'. By not wanting to get married he is keeping his options open so you're not a 'special case' are you?

Actions speak louder than words and in my opinion his actions are confusing and show a lack of care towards you. i'm getting quite annoyed on your behalf! ?

So it's ok for him to hurt you and not work on your relationship because he's not touchy feely? He sounds immature and in my humble opinion he is not ready for any sort of relationship! Get out of there whilst you can. Better to be alone than tied to someone who is selfish.

I'm very glad you have some counselling lined up! I really hope you can find some support and talk through your feelings and what you want. You sound like a lovely lady and you do not deserve to be treated like this. I hope you find someone who treats you with love and respect.

Me and the OH seem to be going round in circles, I want to get married, he doesn't and one of us will not be getting what we want (no doubt it will be me) so I think I am just going to give in and not get married, I just CBA with the fight anymore

This makes me sad. Do you not worry you'll spend your whole time wondering "what could have been"? I think if I hadn't met my H, I would have always wondered what it would be like to have a wedding, and be married.

Yes I do but there's nothing I can do to change it

Honestly Mrspanda - take some time out. Is there anyone you can go and stay with for a couple of weeks while you work out what YOU want?

I'm not being daft here, I have seen this work over and over again but you have to take the time away seriously. Refuse any calls from him. Don't let him visit you - just have some time to yourself and don't allow him to persuade you otherwise.

If he really loves you, he will miss you desperately and when you come back he'll be willing to do anything to make it right. If he doesn't, then he won't and you will have sorted your head out to accept that. Give yourself and your OH a break from each other and see what happens.

Some time apart will do you both the world of good x

You can change it and not be with him though. I'm confussed as to why he proposed in the first place.

He never actually said 'will you marry me' I told him I was thinking of proposing to him and I wanted to get married, a few days later he told me we could get married in 5 years as he wanted a long engagement, he has now said he doesn't want to get married, not just to me but at all

Hi

Not really as all my family and friends have their own families and children to look after so I am kind of stuck

I'm with ID - this makes me really, really sad.

You don't have to give in. You don't have to be in a relationship that is not fulfilling and where your OH is not willing to work things through with you. You are settling and it makes me sad.

Life on your own would be better than this. I'm not just saying that - I was in a similar situation to you before I met my OH.

I was in a relationship with a guy who couldn't make up his mind as to what he wanted. One day at lunchtime he asked me to move in and start trying for a baby and by the evening he decided it was too much 'pressure' (as if i'd forced him) and decided we should do a half baked version of me living with him 4 days a week and elsewhere 3 days. That went on for months and in the meantime i gave up my rental flat and moved into a room as he thought it was a waste of money for me to keep a separate flat. he convinced me to do this by claiming we'd buy a house together within months (we never actually went to any viewings as he was always 'busy'). The fool that i was at the time kept hoping he would change and really be able to commit. In the end i finally convinced him to do couples' therapy. It turned out that really he didn't want to be in the relationship and didn't love me but was comfortable and enjoyed hanging out with me. It was easier for him to string me along (presumably until he found someone else) than be on his own.

I am not saying that this is what your OH is doing. He might not be, but lets face it, there is a distinct possibility that he is. He sounds uncannily like my ex...

I was a lot younger when this happened to me, but it was tough. Having said that i realised pretty quickly that the guy was a manipulator and i really enjoyed being single after that experience. I'm now happily married to someone who cares about what i need and want. We make decisions as a team.

Are you guys working as a team or is it a dictatorship? if it's the latter get out whilst you can!

Looks like we have some more info now... My last post took a while to write so is no longer relevant....

Now i'm getting frustrated with you! So he never proposed?! did he get you a ring? did you look at venues?? I'm no longer clear whether you were actually ever engaged!

you're excuse for not going to your friends and family is poor. Woman! if you're in trouble that's what friends are for. They will take you in and make space for you.

We work together on almost everything!

As my OH owns his house we only have bills to pay (split 50/50) the food shopping is split 50/50 as wel, nights out/meals/date nights either split ot he buys this time I buy next time

We recently redecorated our whole home and worked together to get what we both wanted, choosing holidays again is a joint decision

It is only the wedding/marriage where we are coming head to head

So, you weren't actually engaged at all!

And I'm sorry, but you could sleep on a friend or family member's sofa if need be.

Hi Mrs Panda,

I know I posted on this already but wanted to just say a few things - It is always easier for people looking in or external to a relationship to offer advice as the saying "love is blind" is true. There is some sound advice on here but the important bit is that you have to work out what is best for you. Real life situations are harder and tougher to deal with.

Only you will know what is right for you and how you feel in the long run - we can't second guess and I think it's good that you have the sessions to work out if it is something you can accept and draw a line in the sand and accept that this is his wishes etc and your happy with that. By the sounds of it your torn at the moment I think these will definately help you work out your feelings and if it is a "game changer" for you or not. That will come with talking and a real good think about it. For some they couldn't do this (as seen by previous posts) others I know are very happy in relationships never getting married - it's an individual thing.

The main thing is that you look after yourself, make sure your happy with decisions made and don't come to resent your OH as that is more destructive and worse.

I understand a lot better now. You rushed him. If I'd done that to mine he'd have run for it. Instead I told him that I wanted to get married, and I wanted it to be to him (obviously) but that we would get engaged only when he was ready. It took him 2 years to be ready to live with me, 4 and a half years to be ready to get married, but we worked at his pace and now we're husband and wife.

?

How long have you been together MrsP?