OH's changed his mind

I would not 'rather' any kind of bitchiness to people who are completely innocent of offending anyone.

On the other hand, I never wanted them ever. I'm now 40 and still don't - you just can't predict these things. The OP hasn't burned her bridges, as it's not her that has had the sterilisation.

Agreed. It was advice to prompt her not to follow the option of sterilisation.

So you were engaged, you started to plan your wedding and now he has done this to you..I would be absolutely devastated. No way would I go for sterilisation, I don't want kids but you can change your mind as others have said it you may not. If you were my friend and you were sat in front of me, telling me this story I would tell you to get a grip, leave him although as heart breaking that may be for you. I can't help think that he is maybe a bit of a bully, it's his way or no way. You wanted to get married and now he doesn't, I also wouldn't be investing my time and money into his house either. Be strong, think of what you want and sod him....you can do so much better than this x

It does sound like he's never really been committed to anything. He was in a relationship for 12 years but they never lived together? Wtf? He's told you he doesn't want to obligate himself to anything (what about work and family?) and he's made up this five year engagement thing, he's retracted that and told you he feels trapped. It's like he's drifting through life, would rather not make any effort (even you moving in was a trial) or commitment with anything, including you.

He said you could split up with him? How big of him, does he take any responsibility for anything? He won't even give you a proper explanation. He won't go for counselling so no responsibility needed there. Who cares about your feelings? And you're not to take the fact that he doesn't want to marry you personally? That's as bad as 'it's not you it's me'. I really think you need some time apart and some space. I don't think his heart is in this relationship, it doesn't sound like his heart is in anything and he just falls into things until they get a bit serious and then goes '***'. He certainly doesn't give a *** about your feelings in this, it's all about him.

I wouldn't be 'elidgable' for sterilisation until I am at least 30 so if I did decide to go down that road it wouldn't be happening for a while yet

As regards to walking away, I really don't want to end the relationship

I can understand you not wanting to end the relationship, if everything else is fine, but it does sound an awful lot like you're doing all of the compromising here. He is being at best insensitive or at worst downright selfish. I think time out for you both to decide what you want and how you can move forward from this is a good idea. You don't sound like you'll be particularly happy accepting that you'll never get married, and if you don't deal with that (as a couple), it could well end up destroying the relationship further down the line anyway.

I don't think I will be 100% happy unless I am married to him and I am doing all the compromising on this occasion.

He has now started saying he won't rule marriage out completely because he know's how much it means to me, so I can only wait and see what happens (if anything)

Further down the line, if his refusal to compromise becomes too much to bear, and YOU change your mind, it will be all the better for having never gotten married in the first place.

Good luck with it all anyway.

I hate to say it, but how do you know he isn't just saying that because he's worried you'll leave? I think if he is expecting you to stay with him on the off-chance that he might change his mind, then he should do something to show you he's serious. He seems to have commitment issues in general, so couples' counselling would be a great way for him to show you that he's not messing you about, help you work through how you feel about the situation, and maybe even help him work through whatever is going on in his head.

You keep saying there's nothing you can do - as long as you take that approach, he is holding all of the cards in this relationship. You need to get out of your comfort zone and start setting some boundaries.

Maybe he's saying he won't rule it out because he senses you are on the verge of leaving… i.e., doesn't want to be left on his own? He wants things the way he wants them and from his past relationships, it seems he definitely isn't interested in marriage. Talkabout putting you through an emotional roller coaster!

I don't know whether he is just saying that so i won't leave (he has already told me he doesn't want me to leave so maybe it is just something to keep me here)

My problem is I am far too impatient (not that I am making excuses for him by any means) so although I think i will wait for him and see if he changes his mind, I soon change my mind and want an answer ASAP

Urgh I don't know what to do, I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with any result ending in us not getting married and me being unhappy

That's why you really do need to go away for a few days and think things through.

I wouldn't feel the same about him, he is putting you through hell.

What's the betting that the ex girlfriend of 12 years has a similar story to tell.

I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt when I posted the other day but from what you've said he sounds controlling and quite manipulative. It is a tactic to keep you around. Eventually when you get fed up and leave, or I hate to say it, start getting on a bit, there will be a new young girl to replace you who he can string along for the next 12 years.

just out of curiosity, did you know you didnt want kids before you met him? I'm not judging, I have known my entire life that I never wanted kids, but just curious as you were so young when you met him, maybe he influenced that decision too.

He's keeping you hanging on, the vague notion of marriage is a dangling carrot I'm afraid.

I have been reading this post but didn't want to make you feel worse then you all ready do. I haven't been in your situation but a very close friend was. my friend was in a situation like you with an older man and she was a lot younger, he proposed and it felt like he just to wanted keep her there and string her along and not to get married or anything. He would give the same kind of reasons as your other half. I think it was about 7 years on and nothing ever happend. He was also the same with his last partner didn't live with her didn't commit or anything.it goes without saying that their relationship didn't work. (I don't think it was the age but more the type of person he was) I unfortunately think these type of men are commitment phobs and are stuck in what the want and Just won't budge or compromise. I think if yor really want to be with him and you will both be happy in doing what only he wants without compromising Then go for it. But please make sure you are truly happy with the situation otherwise you will resent him and that will course more problems and you may end up splitting up further down the road. I agree that you may need to take a break away if you have the funds maybe just check into a travel lodge for a couple of days for some time to think and let him realise what it will be like without you. Wish you all the best and hope you both come to a mutual agreement in what you want as a couple.

About 12 months before we got together I was thinking about whether I actually wanted children and the more I thought about it the more I was put off the idea (my first serious BF had a child not long after we split and all I could think was I am glad it wasn't me!)

I hope you are alright Xx

It seems like you have made your decision to stay. at the moment you are vulnerable, hurt and clinging to shreds of hope. really do wish you the best. i think you will come to your own conclusions in time. all i would say is occasionally re-visit this thread over time. if nothing has changed for you - then take action when you are ready.

there is some solid advice on here, especially the 'time out' suggestion. i suspect (though may be wrong) some thoughts you are dealing with at the moment are 'i dont want to start again with someone new' or 'nobody understands me like him'. dont ever be scared of leaving someone due to this kind of thinking. and you are not indebted to him for helping you when you needed shelter.

Another conversation done: He will get married if it makes me happy and he will somehow deal with being unhappy

I just can't seem to win, if I agree not to get married I feel unhappy, if I let him feel unhappy I feel guilty and unhappy because he feels unhappy and I have caused it

He will somehow "deal with being unhappy" if he gets married... ahh girl leave him.. !

So he will basically be unhappy if you marry. You can't get married on this basis - big mistake.

You can go on and on and on, having the same conversations with him but really it's going around in circles. You wont hear what you want.....why you want to stay with him we will never know, don't waste your life on this, it's too short and one day you will realise this x

Deal with being unhappy? Oh honey, promising to spend your life with the person you love more than anything in the world is not something that should make you unhappy! The more this goes along the less respect I have for him. Can you honestly say to yourself that you can be happy with this guy even though he won't commit to you? Some people never get married and it works for them (my cousin and her fella for example, been together at least 15yrs) but, being a wedding forum, the responses you'll get here are likely to condemn his actions. Ultimately you have to do what makes you happy, and if that's not being a girlfriend indefinitely then you need to get out of there. I know how tough it is to leave someone at that stage of a relationship but I promise it's worth it.

Ah the good old-fashioned guilt trip - designed to make you do what he wants, and not what you want. Please, please take yourself out of this situation and go and stay with a friend for a few weeks.

He really isn't being fair on you and you will not be able to see straight all the time you stay there. You have nothing to lose by taking some time out!

He will deal with being unhappy? Seriously? He is offloading everything on to you, making you feel guilty. So if he's unhappy, it's your fault. Do you see that?

He can blame you. Once again, nothing is his responsibility.

Do not marry this man! He will use this as an excuse to treat you badly, lie and cheat and then say "well I told you I'd be unhappy if we got married."

I'm going to say something really offensiv/ blunt/ harsh or whatever you want to call it and I'm really sorry if I offend you OP.

But your boyfriend is an absolute TWAT!!!

If you were my friend, I would be telling you to grow a backbone & kick his arse to curb. He is wasting your time! Your time is valuable!!

Hi Mrs Panda

I have been following this post for a few days now, you have had some excellent advice so far. I can't add much new, but just wanted to add my 2 pence. Your partner sounds like he is being quite manipulative here, bordering on emotional abuse. Your option is stay unmarried with him, and sacrifice everything you want with him sacrificing nothing, or get married with him being an unwilling party and holding that over you? Who gets married if one of you tells you they know doing so will make them unhappy?

it sounds like you don't have any intention of leaving this guy from the way you write about him, are you hoping he will change? Believe me, he won't. He will make you change what you want and you will convince yourself that you wanted to do that, until you wake up one day, 10 or 15 years older and decide he isn't for you. Finding love again will be much harder then than it is at 26.

I suggest you have a really hard think about what YOU want. Not what he wants or how you can bend your dreams to fit what he wants. What do you want? What sort of life do you envision with your husband? Is it him you see? Because if it is, but he doesn't want to marry you, maybe the whole thing is broken if all you have to cling to are his half promises. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him if he pledged marriage to you and then did a complete 180 because he felt trapped. If you don't see him in your future, or can't see how it would ever fit, then I would get gone.

I think you are way more invested in this relationship than him. You are doing all the compromising, it's all about what he wants and his needs. He is a commitmentphobe.

Have you heard that great quote

'When someone shows you who they are, believe them'.

I have spoken to a friend and will be staying with them for a week or two after the weekend so I can get my head straight as to where I think this relationship is going, I always said that I would never stay with someone just because I love them but it looks like I am ignoring even my own advice!

Thanks for all the advice & help x