Opinions..... How much money to give as a gift at a wedding?

I think it highly rude to ask for anything, especially money so would never give it. I don't believe guests should be asked to fund any part of a wedding/honeymoon etc. If you can't afford it then you shouldn't expect someone else to pay for it imo. There are some camps that say well I am paying 100 quid a head for your meal so we should get a gift near that value as it is costing that etc etc. You are inviting them to share you day, it was your choice to have a meal costing that and they are your guest, it isn't a quid pro quo.. Sorry will get off my soap box now!

But people want to give wedding gifts. Why is it rude to specify which gifts? Rather than ending up with stuff you don't want or need?

Agree. A lot of people a) work very hard for their money, b) have better things than me to spend it on, and c) are determined to buy a gift.

So we've listed suggestions, ranging between £5 and £100. Mostly around the £20-£30 mark actually, which I felt was pitching it a little low (and threads on here bear that out) but I wanted it to be affordable.

What a twat!

(sorry!!!)

I love this reply.

For me, the problem lies not with the specifying but with the asking. I don't like to see any kind of gift request (list, money, whatever) included in an invitation. If I wish to determine the most appropriate type of gift for a couple, I am perfectly capable of making discrete enquiries on my own. Should I ask a mutual friend, or a member of the bridal party, and be told "They are going to XYZ on honeymoon so maybe a contribution to that would be best", well I have no problems with that tactic.

Still doesn't mean I'll give them money though

this is something I think will end up happening to me, I can see I may be inundated with picture frames, candles and ornaments. But with no list (seriously i cant think up anything we need, or on the flipside anything we want that doesn't cost over a £30) and with most finding it rude to ask for money, which i can see why, i cant see an alternative. though, tbh this is very low on my agenda. I'm not getting married for the pressies! MUCH higher than this is looking to hire a 'fun bus' to pick up my local family since parking is daylight robbery!

I always like to give a hamper... https://www.thestar.com/life/2013/06/19/wedding_gift_spat_spirals_out_of_control_after_bride_demands_to_see_receipt.html <<sarcasm>>

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... is it bad i'd LIKE that hamper?

No, it's not bad Elixia! I'd like it too & I love getting any kind of hampers. That bride just needed a slap IMHO!

I would be so happy to receive that hamper! ?

I know this is an old thread but reading through the replies, I am puzzled as to why it is okay to do a gift list and specify that you want a specific toaster that is £40 for example but it is rude to ask for money to pay towards your honeymoon or home improvements?

I would much rather get someone what they would like or what they need. If a couple ask for money, then I give them money. It is up to me to decide how much to give them (normally £50). One of my friends didn't have a list and wouldn't say what she wanted so I got them a personalised present from Not on the High Street. It is the same for my friends who have birthdays or babies, I would rather they tell me what they want so that I get them something useful! X

I dont give money because... well honestly im poor and cant afford much but a good deal sourcer so I either find something very personal or expensive presents for less than retail

however I believe the ettiquette is to give as much as it cost the couple to host you, however its near imposible to know how much that is unless you know the breakdown costs of the wedding... probably average somewhere between £50-£100 would be right (as many per person package deals are within this range)

on a gift registry its rude to not offer lower priced items for those who can not afford much however the ettiquette on cash is different, thats why I honestly hate 'cash' request - first off its a confusing process to figure out how much to give and second it shames those that cannot afford much, £10 in a cheap card looks pathetic next to 50 people who gave £50-£100... for honeymoon options I think offering a giftlist with lower priced things on work out better, things such as tours, entrance frees, show tickets dont have to be expensive but cater to all budgets and people can go intogether on large items if they wish where as cash is kind of an indervidual gift

also a little off topic and not saying its common or anyone here will do it but I have also read dozens of 'money grabbing' brides who kick off at people not giving enough cash (seems more common on american forums) and even storm out of their own weddings but its honestly cringe-y and I feel so sorry for the guest $50 might not of covered the food you bought for them but if thats all they have to give be grateful ?

Ha unfortunately I have encountered this! My friend from work got married abroad and we couldn't attend. She then told me that they "only got" this much in money back and it seemed like she thought she should recoup most of her wedding costs from her guests! And how her friend got a lot more from guests at her wedding. She also wasn't impressed with one of her friends who got her a photo frame and memory box and how she would give "£100" for a wedding. That was a bit awkward as when I went to her UK reception, I gave her £50 which is my standard amount. I think it is very easy to get caught up in what you are given rather than appreciating what your guests can afford to give you X

That's terrible. Thankfully I've never encountered this. I do agree with Sorbet that even a small gift list can be helpful for guests who maybe don't want to give cash. There's no excuse for creating a list with only expensive items when there are plenty of guides on the internet that tell you how many items in each price range you should register for depending on the size of your guest list. I think the items also matter. Someone I know registered at John Lewis. It wasn't necessarily the price of items that irritated people, but the items she actually chose. It's one thing to put a £40 item on a gift list. It's quite another when that item is a toilet brush. Also, not being a brat about getting something other than cash or what's on your list. It's not mandatory for people to only buy you what you've requested. I've seen a lot of people talk about how they already have everything for their home that they need so how can they discourage guests from buying gifts as they'd prefer cash or nothing at all. You can't stop someone from buying you a gift, and if they do, just be grateful for it and exchange it for something you do like. Having to take it back to the store is a mild incovenience.

I have one question about etiquette though. Is it customary to send a gift even if you decline the invitation? If you were having a massive wedding where you invited 400 people and a distant relative or work friend declined I don't think it would be expected for them to send a gift, but if it was a close friend or family member who couldn't make it, it would be. Up until now I've been the lone American in a sea of Brits so the focus has always been on me making sure I don't offend any of my OH's family members. I don't think they have given any thought to my culture or traditions. They often speak like I don't actually have a family. I only ask because my mom will be sending invitations to my bridal shower to OH's mother, grandmother, sister, and sister-in-law. She knows they won't be able to attend but is sending an invitation anyway to make them feel included. I think she would be very offended though if they didn't make the gesture of sending a gift to help me start my life as a wife. This is the first time when they will have to actually think about not offending my family, rather than the other way around, and I'm not sure how to approach it. Whether it's considered gift grabby or not is the UK is irrelevant. My cultural traditions are equally deserving of being respected.

If a couple ask for money then we give money, depending on how good a friend they are, when OHs best friend got married we gave them £100, however when my cousin who we aren't that close to got married we gave £40.

I think the whole recouping the cost of your meal is a little crazy, we are having a smallish day reception with only 60 guests and for this reason we have gone for a higher end menu for the wedding breakfast and I wasn't keen on any of the set drinks packages so we have gone for bespoke which again has cost more, but because it is a smaller group it was ok. However if one of those couples gave us £250 as a gift I would feel very uncomfortable!

We are saving like mad for the wedding and I would NEVER expect people to "gift" us the amount that we have spent per head. We could have done it much cheaper but we have chosen not to, I don't see why our nearest and dearest should also have to fork out extra because of that.

I won't be doing a gift list, just because I personally find them rather assuming when I receive an invite with a list (I have no idea why as I wouldn't dream of turning up to a wedding without a gift) and there will definitely be no money poem as they make me cringe.

However if people were to ask me what we would like I feel that I am close enough to everyone to explain that we have everything we need for the house so either money that we could put towards a larger project, or vouchers for Thomas Cook to go towards an extra holiday for next year, we already have the honeymoon (a mini moon in Rome as I couldn't leave my babies for more than a few nights) and a family holiday booked so an extra holiday would be a total treat. However I wouldn't judge anyone for the amount that they gave.

We're going to a wedding next weekend, and hubby is the best man. We're giving them £50.00. It is more than we received from them, but the groom was only an usher, so we thought we'd better add a bit.

Now being married, if the couple were at our wedding, I think we would be guided by what they spent on us. My best friend, who was a bridesmaid and paid for nothing, got us a card, and she can't even cry poverty, so her reaction to our 'gift' will be a picture when her time comes!

Wow! So much negativity on money poems! We had a poem that alludes slightly to money, and that if they have a gift in mind lovely, but if not don't worry we just want you there kind of thing. I thought it was quite cute.

We are getting married on our 10th anniversary and have a bubba so there will be no honeymoon.

Friends of ours got married last year....it was the wedding of the century deal.....oh we are doing this that and the other and oh we've booked our honeymoon to the Seychelles how lucky are we etc??? Invitation comes with a card saying we don't need gifts but please pay for our honeymoon!!

Now, I have no problem with being asked for money at weddings. Ultimately it's the way of the world nowadays as the vast majority of couples have lived together years before. However I do have an issue with having all the luxury and "look at us" attitude rubbed in my face when I'm actually helping to pay for it!!!

Hmm this is a tricky one as we don't have bridal showers in the UK. I don't think that my mum or OH's mum would know what one was! I was speaking about baby showers etc the other night with OH's mum and aunt and they were of the opinion that it is an American tradition and one they "don't like" along with baby showers and Halloween (!!!) and "another expense" seeing as when a baby is born you normally get a gift after they are born as well as the one at the shower and then for the bridal shower, you would have to buy a gift for the shower and then for the wedding? Personally, if it were me and I declined the shower invitation, I wouldn't send a gift and I would wait until the wedding. But I think that's because it is an alien thing for us Brits. Perhaps ask your OH to have a word with his mum so as not to cause offence?

In terms of an actual wedding, if it was a close friend or family member and I couldn't make the wedding, then I would still get them a card and a gift. If it was a distant relative or someone we aren't close to, then I probably wouldn't.

So from reading everyone's point of views, it appears that asking for money is taboo for some because then the couple know how much has been given to them rather than getting a gift? And, additionally, it would be easier to buy a £20 gift rather than feeling awkward about only being able to provide £20 in cash? This, I understand, and makes it clearer. I think that asking for a present is no different to asking for the cash but I can see how it would be less of a minefield if people are on a budget X

I feel the same way, but it's a little different because, as I've mentioned, it's taboo in the US to ask for money and honeyfunds are very new and I've only seen very young brides doing them. I have no problem if couples put expensive items on a gift list, as long as they also include items at a variety of price points. I can either choose to go in on a more expensive gift with other guests or purchase something smaller. I don't even think I would have an issue if someone created a honeyfund for a trip that they would be able to afford on their own anyway. What I find presumptuous is booking a lavish trip (in advance) that you would never be able to pay for yourself, and then expecting your guests to foot the bill. What if everyone prefers to buy you a tangible gift instead?

Same! Been to two weddings where they asked for cash. One asked for money towards a honeymoon, 2 babies later still no honeymoon. The other we were an evening guest and the bride was quite vocal in how they'd paid on credit card for nearly everything and the cash would be going towards paying off the credit cards.

So I dislike giving cash but weirdly happy to give vouchers, so I'd be reluctant to give £50 cash, but £50 in b&q vouchers no problem. I think it's because they have to be spent within the home so no longer ironing boards but money towards paint or a new bathroom.

Saying that I feel very guilty for my uncle's present to us. He asked us what our plans were regarding the vouchers we'd asked for explained we wanted to upgrade some furniture and put down laminate flooring in our lounge (we have a 2 up 2 down, hall, kitchen and lounge/diner with laminate already in the hall) he has taken this to heart, very kindly, to come round examine the hall flooring tell us what it is, what width. Then take us to buy it with also buying the underlay then, helping us rip up the carpet and help fit it! This is way too much but if he wants to then after a week I'm now ok with this. So it depends on the relationship and the person. If I got a tenner of my aunt I'd be ecstatic as she doesn't have much.

It's just very personal. However we do also have a list cheapest item is £5. Most expensive is £35.

I agree that I would be pretty miffed if I gave money for a honeymoon that never happened. That's quite misleading and I would feel like I had been defrauded out of money ha! We were going to use Virgin and then include the link where people can make donations to our honeymoon online or give us cash on the day if they would prefer. In regard to funding lavish honeymoons, you do actually have to pay for the honeymoon before the wedding, like a normal holiday, so about 12 weeks before, then the company will refund you the money you get in gifts. But, I get what you mean about booking a lavish honeymoon and asking guests to pay for it. But is that different to asking them to pay for your home decorations or new bathroom etc? It's definitely food for thought! X

Yes, I think it is different. A honeymoon, 9 times out of 10, is already booked by the time the wedding comes around and gifts are given. Whereas, if you're wanting money to put towards items for the home, you wouldn't usually have ordered/bought them before the gift is given.

I don't have an issue if people want money for trips/meals on honeymoon, home improvements, household items, etc. but if I was being expected to pay for the actual honeymoon or help pay off the wedding, the couple in question would be getting vouchers or a gift. If you can't afford it, don't have it.

I haven't been to many weddings and I'm pretty clueless about wedding etiquette! I'm glad I read this post as I was pretty clueless and think I would have been a bit stingy with the amount I would give! Just as well I read this as I have a few weddings coming up this year.

This is exactly how I feel. If you put a honeymoon on a credit card and then assume gifts from guests will make up the difference, that is asking for trouble. That is how we get situations like the ones mentioned in this thread, where brides get upset because their guests didn't give "enough" or because they specifically asked for cash/honeymoon donations and someone bought them a physical gift. If I put a Le Creuset dutch oven or a robotic vacuum on my gift list (both items I want btw) they are expensive, yes, but if they weren't purchased, I would still buy them for myself. And I would be able to. If I pay for a large trip upfront either on credit or by assuming the cash to pay my other bills will come from wedding guests, and it doesn't, I'm in a tough spot.

If you really want to use the money you receive from guests to pay for your honeymoon, just wait and book the honeymoon later, based on the amount you receive. It's a luxury if you have the time and money to take a honeymoon immediately after your wedding, but it doesn't HAVE to be at that time. Just be grateful your guests were generous enough to give you cash that you can use to plan a trip at at a later date.

I think this is more an American thing because we tend to have open bars which are not cheap. Although it's sort of an unspoken guideline. And no one would dare say anything about it if a guest couldn't afford that much. No one with any manners anyway. In the US at least I think it would be appropriate to spend more than you would for a birthday or Christmas gift because this is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime event, and to give more than a single guest if you are invited as a couple, especially if you both have your own incomes. So if your budget is $10 for a birthday gift, maybe you would give $20 for a wedding gift.

I know asking for cash is more acceptable in the UK but if you are unsure about it and still want to create a gift list with some items on it one of the easiest solutions is to just create a bigger gift list with a wider range of items and prices. You may be surprised as to who buys you that expensive item you thought was too much to ask for. And if you end up with something that you decide later on you don't actually need, at least you know where it was purchased and can return it easily. That's probably a lot simpler than ending up with a toaster from who knows where that you can't do anything with except donate.

If I was to refuse an invitation to a bridal shower then I definitely wouldn't send a gift, to be honest I wouldn't even think to take a gift to a bridal shower as I assumed it was like a hen night and wouldn't take a gift on a hen night too.

I would be of the opinion that I would buy the couple a wedding gift for their actual wedding so wouldn't expect to be expected to have to buy the bride a gift to start her life as a wife aswell... as surely that just means I am having to buy 2 wedding gifts? But, like you said it isn't a Brit tradition, despite that though I still don't think I would send 2 gifts, and I know that if it was my mum then she would be offended that the other family was offended... which would lead to a whole can of worms.

Could you either have a word with your OH so that he can speak to his mum? Or speak to yours and explain it isn't a tradition in England so you don't think they would even think about sending a gift and that it isn't them being mean? The last thing you want it warring mums at your wedding ?

Oh, and whether I would send a gift to a couple if I couldn't attend their wedding would depend on how close we were, if it was a friend or close family then yes I would, if it was a distant relative or a work colleague then no, probably not.

I disagree, I don't think it is different really, what if the couple had bought a new kitchen on a credit card and then used the money to pay that off?

I think if you give the gift of money then it is up to the couple how they spend it. You have chosen to do this and then can't really dictate what they do with it. Otherwise it would be like buying them a photo frame and insisting upon it being displayed in a particular room.

We have asked for money towards our honeymoon I've had a cheque arrive from someone who was invited accepted then cancelled due to ill health. I didn't expect anything and I don't expect something from everyone who attends if people want to give then they can if not then they don't. I'm not going to tick names off my guest list and fall out with people if they don't give us money.

It does depend on how much we get as to where we go though. If we get enough we will go for a 2 week driving holiday in Scotland if not we'll make our June corfu holiday into our honeymoon and make it amazing with the extra money.

I really don't see the issue with couples 'requesting' money as opposed to having a gift list. We've also put a note in our invitations saying that *if* people insist on giving a gift then we would appreciate a donation towards our Honeymoon. One of my friends did the same for her wedding - I looked up the currency and had the cash exchanged for them. They sent a beautiful thank you card with a picture of them enjoying a slap up meal with the cash we gave. Happy they could put the money to good use rather than buying yet another picture frame/ornament for them to feel they have to display every time I go round.

Not sure if it's a cultural difference or not, but with my family being Spanish, the tradition was always to give what you felt was a the cost of your place at the wedding, maybe a bit extra if they are close relatives... So it's not alien to me at all.

I've never been offended by being asked to give towards honeymoon/house move/home improvements/whatever the couple want to spend it on, except for being asked to give a gift at a destination wedding... When we will need to spend about £1000 and 7 days of our holiday allowance, asking for a gift is a bit cheeky IMO!

To be clear though, we have budgeted to pay for our honeymoon ourselves. Half is going to be on credit card that we will comfortably be able to pay off pending any kind of catastrophe. If we do receive a small amount of cash as gifts we'll use it to book ourselves an upgrade, maybe a meet and greet hotel/parking at the airport. If people are overly generous then we will use some of the cash to pay a sum off the credit card.

Have an agreement with two other couples whose weddings we are attending this year that we won't be giving monetary gifts (both would prefer money) as there's no point. We're all in the same boat, no point just passing money around and none of us want the awkwardness of someone gifting more/less. All clear that just a card will do!

For the person who asked 'whats the difference between asking for money in a poem and sending a gift list with an invite?'

there is not difference they are both rude and etequette no-no's, the point is you never mention gifts of any kind which ties into the american thing I believe that it originates from things like showers and by including a list or request it means that it is expected to send a gift regardless of weather you attend or not

people keep using cheesy lines that translate to 'gifts not required but we want cash' which is terrible, the end negates the begining and mean the couple clearly want cash, its doesnt fool anyone and you obviously where thinking about money so much you felt the need to make an offical note of it before people even informed you if they where takig part, as if its a rule if attending ?

as for the bridal shower, I dont get them personally but if I was close enough to attened and it didnt clash with anything I would go and probably take a token gift... from what ive heard in the past a bridal shower are female related gifts, traditionally cooking and cleaning (similar to the now unused british 'bottom draw' tradition) but moderning becoming more 'sexy' like lingerie and bedroom stuff... id probably just take either some kitchen items or a lingerie set depending on the person - I dont think id ship something to america though, it defetes the point once you add on tax

baby showers are cute but I agree holding them prior to birth is strange as you naturally tend to get gifts after birth as the gift is given to the child not the mother but combining it with the traditional 'wetting the head' means the mother could be more involved (in what is usually a male tradition) and holding it as one event so people arent trapsing through your house when your recovering is pretty smart... we had people visiting constantly for the first month, its really not practical when your tired, look like hell and are still recovering to have to entertain a constant stream of house guests