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Rozzie
Beginner July 2023 Cumbria

Parents want to pay for wedding but have conditionsof whom i can't invite.

Rozzie, 13 of August of 2022 at 02:34 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 8
I'm having a marquee ceremony in my parent's national trust garden. Deposits for the catering and marquee have been paid for and my parents have kindly agreed to pay for everything for the day ceremony.


They have just told me that I cannot invite three of my closest friends. They say it is because they don't like how they treat me but I know it will be because they don't want their friends to see these particular friends.
(From a working class background, but also who like to drink.
I know they like to drink but they behave well and have been my friends for 20 years.)
I have said that I can't uninvite them (invited verbally as save the dates are due to go out soon). If I don't invite them then I can't then invite any of my friends from this tight knit community and then we can't invite my fiancé's friends either. As it is a small community not inviting these guests will not only end a 20 year friendship but create a lot of drama with my other friends.
I have said that I don't want them to pay for the wedding if there are conditions. But deposits have been paid and we can't afford to lose £15,000 to cover the deposit they have paid.
They have asked if the friends could just come be invited to evening do but I think that will be more hurtful to close friends I could have a very small day ceremony for our small families and have friends to evening do....but I want my friends to be there for the day and some friends would be coming from 250+ miles away
I really don't know what to do and would appreciate if anybody has any advice? I have trued to reason with them, as has my fiance and brother but they don't seem willing to compromise.

8 replies

Latest activity by DavidArine, 20 of August of 2022 at 09:23
  • Rozzie
    Beginner July 2023 Cumbria
    Rozzie ·
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    P.s. wanted to add that it is my parents who make judgements on people's background and where they come from. We definitely don't..
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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Did they raise these 'conditions' before the deposits were booked? If they did, then you don't have much choice but to give in to them.

    If this is something that they have raised once the deposits were paid, then frankly, it feels like an attempt to emotionally blackmail/pressurize you into ditching your friends. Your parents must be aware that your best friends are going to be on your guest list, and will also be aware that you will be reluctant to see your parents out of pocket if you cancel the wedding.

    To be honest, in your place, I would tell your parents that you are no longer interested in having them host and pay for your wedding due to the conditions they are imposing, and that you will be organizing and paying for your own wedding at another venue. And then set about organizing and paying for the wedding that you can afford, at an alternative venue.

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  • Emily
    Dedicated February 2023 Hertfordshire
    Emily ·
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    I would say that while very generous of them to pay, if you'd known there were conditions, then you would have decided to go it alone and have a smaller wedding on your own terms. Please don't compromise on having your friends at your wedding, they are then ones who make it fun rather then Great Aunt Edna!!!
    I hardly think your parents will want to cancel and lose the deposits, but.make sure they know you are serious about walking away from all this fuss and doing it your way if they won't accept your choice of friends.
    Are you paying for any of the wedding or have the parents said they will take care of everything? You could always say thanks for the generous contribution, but we will be paying for x y & z, then you can regain some control back. It's your wedding day, not theirs, cash or no cash! I wouldn't accept cash if it came with conditions, but I realise that family can be very tricky and your parents are probably so proud to be hosting a wedding in their fancy garden, they aren't thinking about you and your H2B. Good luck with that conversation..... x
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  • H
    Expert November 2022 Lincolnshire
    Hayley ·
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    Do they actually have any control over your guest list? If you are managing that completely yourselves then they won't even know they are invited.

    Have they said they will stop paying if they know they are coming? Otherwise I would appreciate their contribution to the wedding but make it clear that it's your guest list and will invite who you want.
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  • H
    Expert November 2022 Lincolnshire
    Hayley ·
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    Also I wouldn't worry about paying your parents back if you feel the only solution is to plan a different wedding yourselves. They are the ones who have put you in this difficult situation so the lost deposits are their problem.
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    This is awful cant say it better than the others x💗
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  • Thierry
    Curious April 2024 Kent
    Thierry ·
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    It is your wedding day and you should be able to have the people you want there. If your parent's did not bring this up before the deposit then you are completely within your right to invite them. If they were offering to pay it should be out of kindness. Also, remember that just because they paid, it is still YOUR day!

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  • K
    Savvy August 2023 Co Londonderry
    Katherine ·
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    Id make it clear that as its your wedding you will decide everything from guests to flowers to colours. if they wont back down then id consider going it alone and do your own thing your way. contributing to a wedding does not buy a say in the how the day proceeds. good luck. sounds like you might need it!

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