*rant alert* stag do related - UPDATE pg 4

I think you really do need to lighten up a bit, I know you've said your views are extreme and they really are!!!

You love your OH

You are marrying your OH

Your OH Loves YOU

He proposed to YOU

He wants to spend the rest of his life with YOU

So what if if see's some half naked chick whilst he has had a few he wont be comparing he will be laughing and cheering along with the other lads.

I dont see that he is doing anything wrong at all here, all he is trying to do is have a laugh with his mates and bless him, trying to reassure you. He's not cheating on you by looking at another woman, gosh if that was cheating then we would have all cheated on our OH's at somepoint in time...

IMO you are overreacting and need to sort yourself out.

I do think you need to be realistic here.

You can't help how you feel, I know that, but I do think your views are extreme.

I might find it difficult to understand as, in your position, I wouldn't be worried at all.

I actually think your OH has gone to many more lengths than most would to reassure you. I'd be mortified if mine sat outside a strip club and rang me.

Also, contrary to what a lot of people believe, stag dos abroad do not consist of strip club after strip club after strip club with a bunch of brothels thrown in. Yes, of course they may go in to a few, but proportionately they'll be spending a lot more time in bars drinking beer.

Can't you just wish him a good time and organise to have things to do over the weekend to keep your mind off things?

If your OH knows how you feel about these type of trips especially with friends who are prone to cheating then I would have thought he would have respected your wishes and not go. But he also wants to be with his friends and will need you to trust him on this occasion even though you will find it hard, from what I read his friends have history of cheating but not him.

Don't let these tv shows influence you on what will happen abroad, these show show the worst of what some people get up to but doesn't apply to all. He sounds like he has made up his mind so in your own words you will have to wait & see, but I would think if you are marrying you do have to be able to trust one another.

I don't feel as you do about strip clubs but would be raging if OH went because I see that as supporting an industry which actively promotes exploitation, physical and sexual abuse of women. the situation hasn't arise but I would hope (and expect) that OH would say, sorry mate, not for me. I guess what i'm saying is that, for whatever reason, I wouldn't feel bad about thinking, sure go on the stag but don't go in there - I wouldn't dictate it of course, but I feel entitled to be peeved if he goes. Don't know if that makes any sense!

I think there will always be a divide with this subject and I have to say I'm in your camp and don't think your views are extreme.

I know you love your oh and you trust him etc as i do mine but that doesn't mean i would want him watching other women and paying for them to dance all over him. i'm ok with porn as its highly unlikely that oh will ever meet these women but in the flesh its something different. its just something that makes me uncomfortable. not only because it would be my oh but i also think its a very degrading job for the girls having to actually dance on leering men who put money in their knickers. i also think this for ppl in porn movies but thats another issue. having said all the above, just because i personally feel this way it doesnt mean that i dont have trust issues with my oh or that you do it just means that we were bought up with a culture that doesnt find this behaviour acceptable.

realistically your man doesnt need a stag do to spend time with these friends and if he wanted to he could arrange something in the uk rather than it needing to be this stag do. i agree it is unrealistic for him to come outside and chat to you whenever they go anywhere with naked women, he would more than likely be ribbed for it and would join in for an easy life.

i cant offer any advice but i can certainly understand how you feel.

I suppose that ^ is part of what is bothering me. He knows how I feel and yet is still wishing to take part, I understand he wants to spend time with his mates but to be honest he has told me they aren't really that great mates anymore since he has seen the things they've done over the years. He dislikes the way most of them behave, especially with women. He has told me he isn't even sharing a room with them if he does go because he doesn't like any of them enough to share, except the stag who is sharing with his best man, so OH is kind of cutting himself out of the group there as well. I really don't expect him to sit outside a lapdancing club calling me, that is ridiculous and I have never and would never ask that of him, but I see that it is nice of him to offer me reassurance.

I don't want to be influenced too much by the TV shows, obviously they are entertainment so like to show the seedier side of these stag destinations, but what OH has told me about this particular group of guys leads me to believe it will be mainly strippers/escorts type of thing they are going to be doing. The stag has requested it specially, and he intends to 'have one last fling'. I don't know if that means prostitutes or just picking up random women, but that is the intention for him, the best man and I would guess most of the other guys. (OH said this stuff when he first heard about the stag trip, when he was telling me he didn't want to go. Now he has decided he would like to go I really wish I didn't know all that about them! I certainly don't think OH has any interest in cheating on me, but that desire in the other guys will definitely be setting the tone of the trip.)

I really don't want to feel this way, and I am not sure why my views are so extreme. I know there a million threads here about this stuff, with equally divided opinions as the replies are to my rant. I am glad I am not the only one who views it as such! Obviously I know OH looking at other women isn't 'cheating' outright but I do believe that in a relationship people shouldn't spend time looking at other naked people in a s3xual way, in my view it is a private thing for two people who are together and not something to do just because it is available and tradition. I am not religious but I seem to have developed this view from somewhere.

Believe me, I wish I didn't feel so strongly about it and could be relaxed like some of the other ladies who have posted here and in other threads discussing this stuff. I want to rage and shout and stamp my feet over it, but that is just unfair to OH who needs to be free to make his own decisions, whether or not I agree with them or like them.

I know this is going to bother me over the next few months, and then depending on what happens on the actual weekend is going to bother me in the run up to our wedding. I would give anything to be able to shut these feelings down and just 'sort myself out' as a post said! But how do I go about that? How can anyone just drop their opinions like that? It would definitely make for an easy life. If anyone has any tips I would love to know, seriously. I would love to get to the bottom of why this thing bugs me so much.

Oh and OH left his fb page open on a message back to the horrible best man, not half an hour after we finished talking about it he had replied saying 'count me in'. So I take it that he doesn't think we are still 'discussing' it and now it is a done deal, so I really do need to just get over this stuff.

Ok, this bothers me. That's abhorrent.

If this is the case I agree that I wouldn't want my OH spending time with that type of person.

I take it he never goes to strip clubs on a weekly basis so other than this one trip it is unlikely to be a subject that would crop up again so you shouldn't have to get over your feelings about it.

You have to decide that if he does go you just keep yourself busy that weekend and when he gets back just carry on as normal otherwise you may drive your self crazy on the run up to it and after which will cause more stress before your wedding.

Massive over reaction !

Let him go, enjoy himself !

You obviously dont trust him, which is the main issue here.

I think she doesn't trust him!

Hi

i am with you 100% i hate the idea of strip clubs and really don't see why a bloke in a relationship would want to go in one so i would be fuming if OH went in one of those places and he knows this is how i feel. it just feels very degrading.

I seriously don't get these abroad stag and hen weekends and think a bunch of blokes who are prone to cheating is a stressful combination even when you do trust you OH 100%.

sorry no help but you are not the only woman who thinks like this

It makes my afternoon cream tea, river cruise and dinner on my hen day sound positively boring ?

Chippers, Pandora has gone to great lengths to explain the issues she has with OH visiting strip clubs, clearly a difficult subject for her, and explicitly said that it is not a trust issue where her OH is concerned. Frankly, to wade it with an uber-macho, Neanderthal attitude like yours is unhelpful, to say the least. It's a complex issue and one you clearly have no sensitivity for so I suggest that unless you have anything constructive to add that doesn't make the OP feel like she's being unfairly restrictive (which she's not) or unfairly troubled (which she's not), you leave this conversation alone.

Pandora, I'm with vicster, strips clubs form part of a dreadful industry and I object to anyone supporting them, on a 'social conscience' basis. Note Chippers: not remotely a trust issue (although you didn't listen to Pandora, so unlikely to listen to me when I say it). I'd be more horrified if Boy wanted to even be friends with people like this, let alone go away with them! It really doesn't sound like he's anything other than an independent observer to their antics; perhaps he feels he can keep an eye on them?

Fortheloveofmrsbrown - I'm not the only one to mention the trust thing here....

The way I have taken what has been said is 'if all his mates are like it then he must be too' ?? - I'm probably wrong, I am most of the time, but thats how it comes across to me, and others by the looks of it.

Not trying to upset anyone, or cause any offence, so if I have, I do apologise for that.

I dont think all strip clubs are that bad, I know someone who is getting married to a lady that works at one of London's top venues, she is a very well educated young lady who wants to make a lot of money, she owns various properties, and drives a number of very nice cars, right now I would imagine they have enough money to lead a very happy life once she gives up work, a position a lot of people would like to be in.

Now dont get me wrong, I know 90% of the time it isnt always like this, and more often than not it leads into prostitution etc etc etc.

We went to Tallinn, Estonia a couple of years ago on a stag, we drunk a lot, went to a strip club, what did I do ? - Spent the time sitting with one other on the stag drinking more beer, albeit rather expensive beer, but that was it, no dancing girls, no lesbian shows, just drunk talk, probably about football ! I would imagine the other half in question here would be the same, wants to go and have a laugh with his mates, but has the choice and is strong enough to know that is something that you feel so strongly about so even though he is away and having a laugh, will clearly draw the line as he wouldnt want to hurt his wife to be....

Chippers, Jojo, trust isn't an issue here. I trust my OH or I would not be planning to marry him. It is not an issue of whether or not I think he will cheat like the other guys seem to do. I know he won't. As FTLOMB has pointed out, I did explain that.

It is more my own personal issues of feeling uncomfortable with my partner watching naked women. Whether he wants to see strippers or not, my thoughts are that he will probably end up going along with the crowd. I have no doubt he intends right now not to go in and have lapdances etc, but I also know that from his past experience when he said the same, he ended up getting drunk and going in anyway. I can only assume this situation could come up again. I am glad at least he has had some discussion and checked with me about it before replying to the organiser. I am not entirely happy he has taken one discussion to mean he has been given the green light; on the other hand I do want him to make his own decisions, so decision made.

He has actually said that he will be doing his best as far as possible to try and prevent the stag from making any 'horrible mistakes'. OH knows the stag's wife-to-be quite well and he feels terrible that he knows some of the other things this guy has done, which have mainly been found out about now. It sounds to me like OH misses time spent with his friend (the stag) and doesn't want to be left out of this big event in his mate's life, which I understand totally, and there is that element of him feeling protective of the stag, knowing what the other guys will be like, no doubt egging the stag on to do all sorts.

Someone asked if it was a regular thing, and thankfully no it isn't. It would literally be this one time that I need to focus on 'getting over' and not a hobby that I need to learn to accept. I would not be in a relationship with that type of person, it would just make me miserable. For some guys and girls that is their thing, the lads may go and the girls may be fine with it or maybe go along too, but that would not work for me, and I really don't think OH is that keen or interested anyway. It's just if he does end up going in, I will not like it and I know my imagination will be running away with me, wondering what he thinks of those other 'real life' naked girls - which is probably partially down to my own issues with my confidence, self-esteem, body worries and so on.

When we first got together, long before any of my thoughts on strip clubs has been mentioned, OH told me how when he went on a lads holiday he had been into one on the first night and his mate had blown all his money, and the other night when the lads went back OH sat in a nearby bar as he found it so unpleasant. OH had no cause to make that story up or lie to reassure me, as it wasn't a situation that was on the cards. The only other time the issue of strippers came up was a few years ago, when OH had sounded off his views about the industry, the girls, and so on... but then got drunk and followed the crowd in anyway.

I think OH is putting himself into a difficult situation, as well as me as he knows it isn't an easy topic for me. He knows he risks upsetting me with whatever may happen regarding strippers on the holiday, and also alienation from these other lads due to the hotel situation, not joining in on the seedier stuff along with discouraging the stag from his disgusting intentions of the 'last night of freedom'. There is obviously something pulling OH into wanting to go even though it sounds like it could be an awkward few days, and I don't want to stop him if it's what he really wants to do. All I can do is try to let some of my feelings go a bit and maybe accept that whatever happens, happens. I have no idea how to go about that though.

Chippers I appreciate you have your views, but it really isn't as black and white as 'trust'. It is a deeper thing for me, which I am trying to explore a little here with input from others.

I have a friend who works in a lapdancing club here in the UK, she is a lovely person and I have no issue with the women doing that job. It's not a lifestyle I like, or even really approve of, but it's their decision, at least it was for my friend, she has body confidence and wanted to make money fast so her long term partner disliked it but felt he had to let her go for it. For others I have no doubt the lifestyle can spiral into other places that are not a woman's choice, particularly in other countries.

I do hope my OHs experience will be more similar to the one you have outlined and I do think that is what he intends. I don't assume that just because my OHs group will be into the strip scene my OH will. I just want to be prepared to deal with my feelings on the matter as it is a problem for me.

Hey, I am also really with you on this, I hate the idea of OH going to strip bars. For me its the personal interaction that is cheating, if a girl flirted with him in a bar/club/work, I would expect him to say that he is married, and to end her flirting, I don't see the difference in a club.

My H didn't have a hand in his stag, but I know through a male friend that went that he really didn't want to go to see strippers and made it known, which was lovely to know. I did say that if he went to a strip bar to fulfill his manly urge to look at women, that i could fulfill my womenly urge to get attention from men and strip on my hen do! haha I never would, and he know's it was a joke, but I do kinda think it's the same thing. If you must see other women naked in real life and want thm dancing over you, are you really ready to be with 1 person? I used to be a professional dancer, and sometimes did shows in the big vegas outfits with not much to them so I also offered him anything that he felt missed out on as a private show! haha

I also wish it didn't bother me, and like other people have said the problem i think began when a lot of previous people cheated on me when I was with them. My OH would go spare if I banned him from doing anything like that, he tells me off if I mention anything bad about porn and mens self love.

Very helpful... ?

I really feel for you PB. I know I would feel exactly the same as you in this situation and it's very difficult to know what to do. You don't want to ask him not to go but at the same time it will be playing on your mind until then and throughout the weekend. OH is the first of his friends to get married so I'm sure I have this sort of thing to look forward to. I really don't know what to suggest I'm afraid and I just wanted to let you know your not on your own with your views.

Does the stag have the same opinions as the best man? I think the only thing you can do it let your OH know your feelings on it and see what he says. The way I would discuss it with my OH would be to ask him what he would do if the roles were reversed and what he would say if I were asked to go to Magaluf or somewhere similar with a bunch of slaggy girls for a weekend.

And it's nothing to do with a trust issue.

Sorry PB if I mis-interpreted the trust issue, it was probably the way i read it.

I am in the camp that it doesn't bother me either way where OH went but if I saw things the way you do and if it made me feel as anxious as you do I would consider getting to the root of why you feel that way by speaking to some sort of professional or counsellor. It may help you to know how to cope if this sort of thing ever came up again. I do mean this sincerely as I know how things can come across the wrong way on here.

I don't think this is an issue of trust, as PB has said, it is a result of her self-image. I agree with the person who suggested counselling. Just having the chance to talk about how you feel will make you see how illogical it is (I don't mean that offensively but anxieties often are illogical). I was like PB in y early twenties, got really upset when I discovered a boyf looked at photos of naked women online. It compounded my concerns and I began to believe I wasn't good enough for him. THe relationship broke down. I had a few years after that to figure myself out a bit until I met my OH. I know realise that if he does look at women it is nothing to do with a lacking in me. I'm not suggesting that this is just a 'man' thing, just that I no longer see this as being indicative of me not being enough. My OH went to a strip club (which I had said in advance I'd be fine with) and just didn't care about it. He sat with the stag at the bar, who also didn't care.

Anyway, my point is that a number of people agree with PBs reaction. Some because they see it as cheating (an opinion I respect) and some for a similar reason to PB. In the first case, that is a personal outlook, in the latter, it seems to stem from self-confidence issues. My experience has shown that you can help yourself to overcome those issues. Can you explain that this is why you are unhappy about the stag do?

See, I don't think it IS black and white...

I think strip clubs are fine. It's pretty much look but don't touch, and strongly enforced. Same as lap dancing places etc. I've told H2b if he goes to one on his stag that's OK (he's not though). Private strippers are another matter since they are not regulated by club managers, and will try to make money from "extras". The plan to visit brothels would be a deal breaker for me, and I would expect H2b not to go (not that we have friends who would be interested).

I can sort of cope with the fact that a bloke may go planning to drink, get a bit carried away, then "what goes on tour stays on tour". I wouldn't be impressed, but I can at least understand it. However, this situation is different. The stag is actively planning to be unfaithful, and brothels are on the agenda as a planned activity. If my H2b wanted to go on that weekend, I'd be very unhappy.

I do agree that there is some underlying reason causing this that I should probably explore with a professional. I am confident with the fact that OH loves me and finds me attractive, I know my body isn't perfect but then again neither is OH or many people's for that matter. I usually feel good about myself, I take care with my appearance, do regular exercise and am currently trying to lose some weight for the wedding so am working out more than ever before. It is when I think about the stereotypical way these strippers usually look I begin to feel insecure. I have visited my friend's workplace, the girls there were lovely to chat to, but I suppose due to constant dancing, pole work and boob jobs, had amazing bodies that I know I will never in a million years have!

I know 100% OH doesn't want to sleep with anyone else, doesn't even want to look at anyone else let alone in some scummy foreign club, but there is an element of comparison that I am uncomfortable with. I hate the thought of him having other images of naked women in his memory bank! I don't like p0rn either but there is the 'real life' thing with strippers that bothers me. I know he isn't going to fall in love with them or flirt with them or anything like that, but part of it is probably also a jealous streak in me along with lack of body confidence.

OH sees someone for issues stemming from childhood abuse, so I could always ask her for a recc for someone who I could talk to about my stresses. That could help ease my anxiety over the situation. I have asked OH how he would feel if the situation was reversed, but he sees male strippers as 'a laugh' and I think there are definitely differences in the 'entertainment' for men versus women. I have seen a 'girls show' before and it was really more cheesy than s3xy or s3xualised with lots of funny games and the male stripper messing about, as opposed to some of the moves the girls do for men at stag shows. The 2 things are very different from my experience, and don't really compare. OH has absolutely no jealousy whatsoever and has already said he wouldn't have a problem with me seeing a male stripper, not that I particularly want to anyway.

I think also though that while my view is extreme, there isn't actually anything wrong with it and the many varied views people have are shown on here and threads such as this, and reassure me that I am not being totally unreasonable in my feelings. Any type of s3xual activity outside of a relationship is wrong, and I count a woman taking her clothes off and dancing in front of my partner as being s3xualised. That is my opinion and I am not likely to change it. Everyone else here is entitled to theirs too, and I am not offended by anything anyone has to say. I wanted to put my situation out there and it is really helpful to hear whatever anyone has to say about it.

I am not sure exactly if brothels are on the list. OH hasn't mentioned that, if he had I would be seriously saying no to it, and I very much doubt he would go if that was the case. I only know that I have seen hints of it on those TV shows, but obviously that doesn't mean all stag dos do that. I also know that OH has previously said the stag, best man and others on the trip will be actively looking for 'a last fling' type of thing, but as to whether that means with a hooker or just picking up a regular girl I am not sure. I am fairly certain my OH would be far too terrified to set foot in a brothel! I don't even think the thought of that has occured to him.

If he went into a lapdancing club and sat at the bar, fine, sure. But if he actively takes part - as in paying for dances for himself, private rooms and shows - that's where I start to feel pretty bothered by the whole thing.

I totaly agree thats how i feel about it too, my oh's stag party is giving me nightmares already! The group is mixed between good guys and some very bad guys, one who is usher is the biggest problem, my oh was best man last year and on the stag this usher put viagra in the grooms drink and "poppers" in another drink then kicked up a huge fuss at the guys who didn't want to go to the strip club, luckly my oh was quite sobber, being best man he had the job of looking after all the oldies on the stag do, so he took them all back to the hotel at 11.30, and they phoned me from the bar as he was sooo pleased with himself! lol

but knowing that my oh, will be very very drunk, and his usher will be trying to put "sex drugs in his drink and draging if to stripclubs puts a cloud over all the wedding planning, my oh just says he'll drink out of bottles but it winds me up! (if i had a bm that might drug me, she wouldn't be coming at all! men just don't seem to care about the morals of there mates!

you can talk him out of it or he can go...all you can do is make sure you have girly nights out and shopping trips out when hes away (and not wedding stuff!) i was panicing like mad when my oh was at his mates stag last year, then i disided to plan a weekend away myself with the girls, meals out in the day and drinking all night.....i didn't care once!

Not liking strip clubs doesn't mean she doesn't *trust* her OH. Although the emphasis on the pasts of the other stag do antendees did give that impression.

TBH these type of people are so far from the types my partner would hang around with I cannot imagine what I'd do in this situation. Probably tell him to get some grown up friends.

Not liking strip clubs doesn't mean she doesn't *trust* her OH. Although the emphasis on the pasts of the other stag do antendees did give that impression.

TBH these type of people are so far from the types my partner would hang around with I cannot imagine what I'd do in this situation. Probably tell him to get some grown up friends.

?

OMG that poor woman marrying that man! ^^^

I can't say I'm looking forward to my OH going to see strippers both on his own stag do and on a friends thats coming up soon. My OH's best man (younger brother) seems to think he's planning 'The Hangover 3' and despite my OH sitting him down and explaining that he doesn't want certain things or to go abroad he doesn't seem to be listening. He is a lot younger and has never even had a girlfriend so doesn't really understand whats ok and not ok!! I have just said please do not do anything that you would not be happy with me doing and am just going to have to try and not think about it. I just don't understand the whole mentality of stag do's. Its not a 'last night of freedom' as they are already in a committed relationship and I don't understand why just because its a stag do, certain things are deemed acceptable that certainly wouldn't be on a normal saturday night out with the lads!!

I do feel for you as theres nothing worse then having something playing on your mind.

xx

I haven't read the other responses to this yet, but just wanted to comment on this.

I feel like you - I don't like strip clubs and I am fully aware that I am being unreasonable and that this is entirely my problem and my insecurities. I've been upfront with my OH about this for years. I've just told him I'd rather he didn't go to a strip club, but obviously he's a grown man and can make his own decisions. Anyway, he went on a rowdy stag do last year with some lads who like the ladies, and, lo and behold, when the lads went into the strip club in the middle of the day, he stood outside and rang me! Then in the evening, they went to another after going clubbing. He left a little early saying he had drunk too much and felt awful. On both occasions they barely even noticed he was gone. My OH said they didn't remember the next day and were talking to him as if he'd been there.

Not sure if that helps, but my OH did just want to see his mates but also respected my craziness enough to indulge it and skipping the strippers. I hope your OH is the same and there's no reason to worry.

Can I just say that there is nothing wrong with not liking the idea of your DF going to a strip club. It doesn't make you boring, 'uncool', sexually repressed, it doesn't mean you *definitely* have body confidence issues or that you are not capable of giving your partner a wonderful thrill in bed. It just means that you have a different view on sex than some other people. Perhaps you view the pursuit of sexual arousal as something that should be shared between a loving couple, and whilst you may be well aware and fine with the fact that your partner will be naturally attracted to other women you feel that when he has the choice to pursue his sexual desires you prefer he does so with you.

That's how I feel.

It can come accross occsaionally that women are going out the way to express how *fine* they are with their partner watching porn, going to strip clubs etc. as though they should be proud of this attribute and that their partners are lucky somehow.

You can still give mind blowing oral sex, lap dances make private porn films and fulfil any other fantasy either of you have that you both feel comfortable with. Being fine with lap dancing etc. doesn't make you any better in bed or a better friend/lover/partner to him.

I think it's totally reasonable to want the active pursuit of sexual arousal to stay within a relationship. Maybe I am being old fashioned and I couldn't give two hoots what other people do, but for me *actively* choosing to be turned on by other women is not something I am comfortable with my partner doing.

Although I would say that it's useful if you and your partner share your views on these things.

There is more to my views on lap dancing clubs than just my feelings about sex in my relationship. I have other issues about the social implications of sex industry and how women involved value themselves, how they come to be there etc. that make me uncomfortable with it and my partner is entirely on the same page.

Don't feel pressured in to telling him you are comfortable with things you are not. It can take balls to admit you actually don't want him getting his kicks looking at other women and that that's okay. It doesn't make you boring or repressed and don't let anyone make you feel that there's anything wrong with it!

This has been a really interesting thread. In my earlier post I had tried to be as 'neutral' as possible but having read Emma Rose 33's post I realise that I am indeed guilty of the 'repressed' argument. Hopefully not in a dismissive way, as this wasn't my intention. I realised my experience DID stem from insecurites but it also was a result of the way I veiwed myself as having to be 'sexy' like these women and feeling that I wasn't. This idea obviously comes from magazines like Nuts which I realise are all part of the same industry as strip clubs. A bit extreme you might think, but it is a continuum and that is the end that can be seen in everyday life.

The argument some people have made about the demeaning/dangerous nature of them is making me think again. I have seen porn and this aspect worried me about that. I still don't think that my OH liking to look at this means anything in respect to the intimacy of our relationship but as ER33 said, this is down to the individual. This is partly becuase I feel confidant that he would only every want to DO anything intimate with me and also because (please don't shoot me for this) he is a man - he doesn't have feelings for them, it is just for the excitement value. I have read erotic stories and he wasn't bothered by that. I'm not trying to be cool or liberal, it really doesn't matter to me.

I want to quote something from ER33 "Don't feel pressured in to telling him you are comfortable with things you are not". This is the fundamental issue here.He needs to know the truth, and why you feel that way (the other men attending, the comparison etc). Tell him how much it will upset you. Then let him decide. You trust him so, as long as he knows everything, he can make his own decision.

If you think you need to talk to someone just to help you in general, do it. It is so helpful to say things out loud and not be worried about someones reactions. This is about you feeling happier/less anxious about yourself.