Secret Engagement - update **with flash**

Well, I got engaged to my first husband after being together for 5 months, although we'd known each other about 4-5 months before that as friends. I didn't get negative reactions, but looking back, I think parents may have been a little concerned. I don't think the whirlwind thing led to the breakdown of our marriage directly, but I do think that we didn't have time to experience ups and downs together before deciding that we were for keeps. This time round I did almost the opposite - friends for 5yrs then a couple for 3yrs before marrying!

I would think that the reactions you can expect depend in part on your age and circumstances. If you're, say, 21 and living at home, then as a parent I'd be concerned, partly because of the lack of life experience before making such a huge decision in such a short timeframe. If you're 35 and independent, then I'd be less worried since you can stand on your own 2 feet regardless of what happens.

Is the fact you're keeping it from people a "sign"? I don't know, but I do know that I don't think there's much difference between a whirlwind of 3 months and one of 4 and a half. Reactions won't be much different - if anything people may be more critical saying it's only because it's Christmas, etc. I'd say the earlier you can get support from your friends and family, the better!

I completly agree with BB bride and couldnt of said it better myself, so I didnt.

x

Welcome!

Forgive my confusion - if you don't plan to tell people until next summer, how will you wear the ring from Christmas?

I knew my partner for years before we got together and I had moved in and fallen pregnant within 5 months. Nobody said anything to our faces but I don't think it bothered them. The fact that we had known eachother as friends for ages counts as alot, and we were late 30's when we got together. He had been married before and I had rough relationships so we took a different approach and spent a few evenings interviewing each other!

I guess age does make a difference to your approach, but it's up to you what you want at the end of the day. You're plannning on a long engagement, so personally I wouldn't worry what people had to say, but if you're worried about telling people, then hold off the engagement for a while until you're certain about it all. Marriage isn't something to take lightly, but don't let what others think stop you doing what is right for you.

I moved in with OH after 9 days and noone said anything. When you've got that kind of relationship where you just know you belong together I think people can pick up on that. Congratulations, now celebrate!

Thank you everyone! We're 25 and 26, so sort of in between in terms of age being a factor I guess! I think I'm struggling because being a bit of a girly girl I've dreamed of this for years, but it's a huge thing I'm keeping to myself right now which obviously isn't what I planned... I know that as a couple we are really strong, I can't imagine anyone I would rather be with and people who do know us instantly say how right we are together. So that's obviously a good sign! But I've always been one to worry about what people think and I'm not sure I could bear knowing that deep down lots of people would probably be a bit skeptical. Kharv, that's something else that's going to be tough; the plan is to not wear it all the time. Personally I think that's only going to end badly cos it's a beautiful ring and I'm not going to want to take it off, plus there's more chance I'll lose it or something horrible. I think I just needed to get a few thoughts off my chest, it's been really good to see what other people think, and a positive way to look at it all too, so thank you ? definitely a couple of things to mull over and thanks too for the warm welcome ?

Welcome to the site. If I am being super honest a marriage is a really good thing to over think, especially for us young 'uns who might not have so much life experience. I knew with my partner that we'd get married after a couple of months. But I 'knew knew' 8 years on (we were v young when we had got together) following illnesses, long distances, lots of holidays and/or experiences together. It is a completely personal choice. I am of the opinion that you can't know someone too much before marrying them (plus being in a relationship with them is still super fun even if you're not married) but you can not know someone enough before you marry them. But I am super sensible in these things and lots of others might tell you to go with it. I think the long engagement sounds a good idea though.

Welcome to the site. If I am being super honest a marriage is a really good thing to over think, especially for us young 'uns who might not have so much life experience. I knew with my partner that we'd get married after a couple of months. But I 'knew knew' 8 years on (we were v young when we had got together) following illnesses, long distances, lots of holidays and/or experiences together. It is a completely personal choice. I am of the opinion that you can't know someone too much before marrying them (plus being in a relationship with them is still super fun even if you're not married) but you can not know someone enough before you marry them. But I am super sensible in these things and lots of others might tell you to go with it. I think the long engagement sounds a good idea though.

PS not sure if my post was a bit harsch...I sort of meant 'think carefully' rather than 'don't do it' - hope I gave off the right tone. And I'm not sure why it came through twice. Ultimately do whatever makes you most happy and comfortable x

No, not harsh at all don't worry - I knew what you meant. The fact that it will be a relatively long engagement is definitely a calming factor I think, we're certainly not rushing into the marriage but just kind of feel that if it's going to happen at some point, why wait to get engaged...

A bit of a case of head and heart at the moment, and funnily enough I've never been in this position before so not quite sure how to handle it! But thank you for all your thoughts, going to go with my gut, talk it through with him and see where it goes! ? feeling a little more relaxed now

If you both feel sure it's strong and for keeps, then tell people, be open and honest and just be happy about it. People will probably have concerns, but most people will have an opinion on it anyway however or whenever you decide to do it. If you are going for a long engagement then that's plenty of time to experience ups and downs together before making the big commitment.

I wouldn't say 2 years is a long engagement at all. It seems pretty common to have 18 months planning, so you're not far off that anyway. We've been engaged for 4 1/2 years now(not by choice), we got officially engaged after 6 weeks, but he first proposed to me on day 2, I was 22 at the time. I know my own feelings and I've never been one for talking about 'forever' before, so for me it was obvious he was different and 'the one'.

Don't worry what people think. If you are sure and happy then they should be happy for you. They might not think it's appropriate to get engaged until you've been with someone for 5 years, so you can never guarantee their approval. If you have your ring now, wear it with pride and tell the world!! It's about you and your OH. If other people can't be happy for you then that's their problem. You're old enough to make your own decisions and live with your own mistakes (not saying this is one!!)

I would say either have the ring, wear it and tell all - or get him to keep the ring to give to you next year.

In the end if you know its 'fast' and you've thought it through then tell people and get it out. I would still put off planning for a bit just to let it all sink in (for you and others) and let the whirlwind slow.

I always think with anyone's opinions on my relationship, they can tell me (in a constructive manor), I will think and decide if its true or if its just the one part of the relationship they have seen.

I'm in a similar situation in terms of a 'secret engagement' - Though it won't be for very long!! I've been in a long distance relationship for almost a year....and recently following some very unsubtle hints from my OH I figured out that he was planning to propose!!!! Men! Lol! As I work overseas and he is in a different location to my family in the UK, we're waiting until I'm home at Christmas before announcing our engagement.....plus he wants to show respect to my Dad by speaking to him, and he wants to propose to me 'properly' - I'm sure he has something wonderful planned and I'm really excited! I know it may not seem to have been the traditional way for it all to happen - but we're very much in love and happy and that's all that matters at the end of the day! I'm 32 and soooooo excited that this is finally happening for me x

Congratulations on your engagement!

I just have to say that I don't think keeping it secret until next summer is a good idea. If you know that this is right for you and your fiance, then you have the right to shout it from the rooftops.

It would be awful if someone caught you wearing the ring and then it all came out to everyone in that way - you say you've dreamed of this your whole life...I fear if people found out by accident, rather than because you told them, you may feel even worse about the whole thing.

You two are clearly very much in love - have conviction in what you are doing, and no one will have reason to doubt you. Do you also want to have to lie for the rest of your life about how you got engaged? Or would it be better to be upfront with everyone?

I really hope this doesn't come across as harsh, just trying to give you a different perspective. Your decision to get married is a serious one, and it is clear you haven't taken it lightly. I am SURE that everyone around you will be thrilled for you. Yes, there may be an element of shock immediately (that would be natural), but thereafter, you will have their full support I'm sure.

Welcome to Hitched! And congratulations... it's lovely that you feel like that about each other so early on in your relationship!

Me & hubby got together and within 2 weeks he told me he loved me... we both felt the same and knew it was different to any relationships we'd ever had before. Within months we were talking about marriage and knew we wanted to marry each other, but didn't want to tell anyone as we thought people might think we were crazy! In the end though we didn't get engaged til we'd been together for 2 years.

He got my name tattooed on his arm in arabic after 5 months of being together, as he moved to Germany and wanted to take a bit of me with him. We told some people what it said but didn't tell my family as we didn't think they would approve! I think people thought that we were being crazy but we believe that when you know he's the one, you know. 3 and a half years later, he's the love of my life and we couldn't be happier together.

My point is if you know it's right, go ahead and do it. If he's going to give you the ring for Christmas, wear it with pride and tell people you're engaged, don't hide it. Explain to people that you know it's soon but you know it's right, and that you aren't going to rush into the wedding, but going to spend a couple of years planning it.

Those who matter won't care, and those who care don't matter. Happy planning! xx

I tend to agree with this. Myself and OH went through a really bad patch when we had been together only 5 months. He was the most supportive and amazing boyf I could have asked for during a very difficult time. It showed me who the real him was, through good and bad. He made it quite clear to me at the time that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We even talked about eloping......we didnt, i knew i wanted everyone around me when i got married. Anyway we booked a big holiday instead, and then bought a house within the next year. It took another 5 years to book a wedding....i didnt have a proposal or ring I had known for years.

What i am saying is everyone's situation is different and only you "know" just like some people think im mad not to need a rock on my finger!

I'm starting to agree with the whole telling people angle... the ring is ready to pick up today, but he's going to keep it until the time is right to do it all properly. Whether that's in two weeks or two months I don't know, lol. I do know deep down that this is completely unlike any other relationship I've had before, and our parents and friends seem to know that too. We know it's right, but I think I might ask him to keep it until we're ready to tell people. I just want to tell everyone and wear my ring and be proud of it instead of feeling like it's a huge secret I have to try and hide, plus I'm bound to slip up at some point and I would hate for people to find out 'by accident' rather than us telling them. We know that this is forever so what's the harm in waiting a little longer to make things official?

Thanks again everyone, it's been great to get so many different opinions on this! ?

I'm so excited for you! I bet everyone will be thrilled when you tell them, congratulations!

NorthernBelle_79 this is in reply to your post... for some reason it's not letting me quote it!

As soon as you want to tell them, tell them. Don't be concerned about reactions otherwise you will be waiting years. People will form an opinion but as quickly as they do, they will also forget and move on.

Personally i couldn't keep something that big from family and friends, especially if its something you are really happy about, surely you want to share it?!?!?

in saying that...how serious do your families 'think' you are? for example are you living together? have you both met each others families? do they 'know' that you are more serious than you have been about anyone else before?...if they don't it might be a bit of a shock but if they already see you planning a future or living together or anything like that then im sure they will accept it!!

at the end of the day if you feel its right then don't hold it back from the people you love...the longer you leave it the bigger deal it will be to tell them and if you truely feel in love with each other then any issues people might have you will be able to respond to and im sure convince them you are doing the right thing!! good luck! x

My fiancè proposed to me with a Haribo ring on our kitchen floor just two months into the relationship. It wasn't the real proposal but we had already talked about marriage and knew we wanted to do it. A few weeks later he got me a 'commitment' ring and I got him one, we wore them both on our wedding fingers and people all thought we were engaged!

After being together just over a year, he took me to Milan and proposed properly. HOWEVER, at this point we had already booked our wedding/reception/honeymoon! We didn't tell anyone that though as we wanted them to think we did it properly. A week after the proposal we told people it was all booked. They just thought we were super organised!

We will get married May next year and will have only been together for 20 months at that point. He moved in with me after only 2 months and everything was made more intense because I have kids from a previous relationship so we are not just a couple but a family now too.

I say, if you know it is right- go for it! What is the point in waiting?

We aren't living together yet, but both families know we are planning to early next year. We've met both sets of parents/grandparents so I don't think it'll be a huge shock, though I doubt any of them would have seen this coming quite so soon. I'm most worried about my Dad, to a certain extent nobody will ever be good enough for his only daughter I don't think!

bexjoe, how did you find it keeping it quiet for so long? I'm struggling with 4 days at the moment! It's really nice to know we're not the only couple out there doing things 'on the quiet', glad it's obviously all worked out so well for you ?

Hi

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I think when you know, you know!! Its that simple.

There are a million and one people with their opinions , telling you its too soon, its this and its that.

If you are both happy, then everything is great!

As you said you knew each other as friends first, so I cant see the problem.

We are engaged and eloping next April, no one knows and its exciting and wonderful!

Enjoy the joyful feelings and good luck!!

xx

Congratulations!

I had a similar dilemma but more complex because it will be my third wedding (ashamed!) and i have known my future H for four years but we had only been a couple for 8 months. My concern was very much how people would judge but a very good friend said the people that matter will be happy for you....and basically i kept it quiet away from a handful of very close friends until someone (eagle eyed) spotted the ring in a picture on FB and then i went public with it - and everyone was just lovely and as far as i know didnt judge.

You're old enough to make your own decisions and to know how you feel about each other, dont let anyones opinions change what should be a really happy occassion! if you did go public then i think you would be surprised at the reaction you got/get i certainly was

It was very hard to keep it a secret but at the same time it felt like our 'thing' that we could have to ourselves for a while. It also meant people couldn't interfere with our choices for the wedding plans!

Congratulations.

My one comment is about taking the ring off. My OH used one of my old rings to get what size my ring was. Unfortunately the my gorgeous engament ring is a little bit snug. but because it isnt aint too tight and i can still move it up and down my finger it aint coming off for a jeweller to take 2 weeks to rezise it.

Basically what im saying is once you have it on your finger you wont want to take it off.....

I can see this being the case from the second it's on to be honest! The way things are going I think we're going to be telling people a little earlier than we'd originally thought, we're proud to be engaged so why should we hide it... But he hasn't officially proposed with the ring yet and I don't know exactly when that's going to be so I'm just going to relax and not worry about it all. Doesn't stop me already planning cakes, venues and the guest list though!!

I agree with you others. You're happy, shout it from the rooftops! Who cares what other people think.

Congratulations! It makes a difference that you were friends first, I think - you already know him outside of your relationship.

I was a bit similar actually, friends for a year, then after we got together we were engaged after 5 months. We waited about a month to tell people but this was because we wanted to tell them in person and that was when we were going to see our families. I was also about 25, though H is 7 years older.We just knew, it was a different sort of relationship. And we are both very sensible non-impetuous people!

I wouldn't wait before telling people, maybe give yourselves a couple of weeks, but I think people will respect you for being straight with them - like you say if they find out you were engaged for ages and didn't mention it, they may think you're not serious, or be upset or confused. Hopefully they'd understand, but it's better not to have too many secrets. And you'll want to tell people in future that you loved each other so much you were engaged after just a few months.

Me and my H moved in together after only having been together for 3months. If you feel its right then you should go for it and your friends and family will be supportive. I would say try to live together for a while first. I know my friend is finding it hard - she married her H after a whirlwind romance and he's a bit of a slob...

OK so I've been sort of 'testing the water' with my Mum and a close friend to try and see what sort of reaction I might get, without giving too much away of course! Mum is of the opinion that when you know, you know. My friend was a little more hesitant and even seemed dubious about moving in with him sometime in the new year... which has put doubts in my mind about 'going public'. Not about getting engaged at all, I know without a doubt that's what I want, what we both want more than anything (as you said apuskidu, we are very non-impetuous people too and we know this is the most right thing in the world, if that's even proper English!) but it's just made me a little worried about telling people, he thinks New Year will be a good time. Not too soon but we don't have to wait too long keeping it quiet either. Should I just get on with it and worry a little less about what other people think? There would still be a couple of years before a wedding and we're certainly not ashamed of being together and want to be 'out and proud' as they say...!?