Tensions around parents financial contributions to wedding

It's actually quite unusual these days for either sets of parents to offer anything towards the costs of a wedding, let alone a significant figure.

When one feels the other isn't paying enough, you get these awkward situations like the one you're in.

There is no easy answer - but make sure that the money comes without conditions as all too often we hear of parents taking over the wedding planning because they feel they have the right to, based on their financial contribution.

I would much rather delay a wedding and pay for it ourselves, than have someone else arrange our day for us.

This situation is not your fault, nor your OH's fault.

If we wanted a big wedding then we were going to pay for it. I would not have expected anyone else to pay, and I think your parents are actually being quite rude.

Money, money, money! Its always controversial whether you have it or don't have it! Personally speaking - £23k is an awful lot to spend on one day and if it was me, I would prefer to spend a fraction of that on the wedding and the rest (if it was still offered to us) towards a deposit for a house or doing up a home (if you have one already). I can understand your OH feeling insulted though and I can understand your parents feeling a bit upset that the inlaws haven't made a contribution. Now that they have said they will pay for the suits, I don't think there should be any more fuss/bother. You have got the result you/they wanted and everything should be on track. Congratulations!

It's the other way round for me.

We're paying for the wedding ourselves and OH's parents are paying £2K for the meal after the blessing. Until today my parents were contributing nothing. They have now paid £250 towards the wedding.

I can understand how your H feels, I;m sick of feeling like my parents are sh*t and I'm embarrassed that they aren't contributing but there is nothing I can do to make them. So I have OH and his parents annoyed that mine aren't contributing and I can't change it.

There will only be 17 of us at the wedding so it's going to be great fun with the in laws being annoyed that my parents haven't contributed and they've already made comments about not needing to keep my family happy at the blessing, like I don't frigging matter.

Grrrrr?

£19,000???!?!?!?! ?

That's all I have to say...

...On a serious note, I don't think it's fair for your parents to just expect your OHs parents to contribute to the wedding. Like you say, you're extremely grateful for the contribution your parents have made, but that was their choice. Some parents are traditional like that. Others expect their children to pay for their wedding themselves. Others give small gifts.

I do feel for you being stuck in the middle of it all.

As for advice, I don't think there's much we can really give. I hope it doesn't affect the relationship you have with your fiance.

I understand your predictament and I feel for you.

My parents also paid the majority of our wedding,

OH mum paid for our band & gave us honeymoon spending money which was very generous of her as someone on a pension.

OH dad didnt offer to contribute anything & is extremely miserable with money (to the point where he doesnt buy his own son a birthday present).

I understand your OH feeling the way he does (it does sound like your parents are not happy with his parents attitude towards the wedding) but it really is nothing to do with either of you. As AJ said, its not as commonplace anymore for the brides family to pay, whilst some do still adhere to it (eg our parents!).

I think you need to wait until your OH has calmed down & then have a chat with your folks together. Your OH needs to let your parents know that he is very grateful for the contribution. Whilst I agree with AJ it shouldnt some with restrictions, its only manners to show that its appreciated.

I suspect your parents maybe feel his parents are not pulling their weight enough for what is a day for bringing 2 families together. But that fact that your OH family has offered to pay for the suits does show that they are willing to help. Perhaps they feel there is a tendency for the wedding to be more about the brides family than the grooms (ie MOB gets first outfit pick etc) and do not wish to interfere.

Yes I didnt expect my parents to offer us so much, they've obviously been saving for some time, and the fact that they have done this suggests that they do believe to some extent that the brides parents should pay. I don't expect the money from anyone and if OH's parents were going to offer us some money I think that they would have done so by now. His parents are lovely people so I really don't want to offend them. I really just want to leave it now and for everyone to just pay what has been agreed - but I have a feeling that my parents may continue to nag at me when I see them, and my OH may continue to be annoyed about the whole situation.

If it's going to cause tension, then I'd only accept from your parents what your OH's parents can match (if anything). I wasn't expecting anything from my parents since I've been married before, but they have given us £2000 towards our honeymoon. OH's parents offered the same but actually sent £2500. We're actually using the £4.5k to pay for the whole of the reception, so it's only the overseas wedding and honeymoon we are paying for ourselves (about £11k). I'm very happy that a) we're doing most of it ourselves and b) contributions from the parents are balanced.

Then again, our parents are from similar social backgrounds, which helps. For my first marriage my father paid for the ceremony, reception etc. We just paid for outfits, rings, and honeymoon. exOH's parents only paid for the cake and that was only after asking them. Still, my parents are very comfortably off, exOH's are pensioners in a council flat. Expecting equal contributions wouldn't have crossed my mind (plus they were rather old fashioned and thought my Dad should pay for the lot!)

Seriously though - I'd either only accept a small amount from your folks, or rather than accepting a lump sum of money, ask if they'll pay for certain items instead. If it's expressed in material terms (we're paying for the reception and drinks, they're paying for suits and cake, bride/groom are paying for rings and outfits) it doesn't seem quite as bad

WSS - We are paying for the wedding ourselves and have not broached the subject of money with our parents as if we can't afford it, we will not have it. I do think that your parents are being unfair on you and your OH. It was their choice to have saved up so much money for your big day, and to expect your OH's family to have done the same and then be annoyed when they discover that this is not the case is rude.

Oh nooo Kezza, poor you. What an awful situation. However these points I must make:

1) What generous parents you have - lucky you.

2) It sounds to me liek your parents were willing to put the whole £19000 in or they wouldn't have offered this to you. Now, if they expected his parents to match that and for you to contribute yourself, that means you have a wedding costing over £40000, I dont think that thats really conceivable. It sounds liek they were always expectring and planning and even wanting to pay the lions share. I can understand this, they clearly have the money and have been saving for this reason, maybe they want to be seen as the parents who provided so well for an amazing wedding for their little girl. I think this is likely, but what probably started off as a little bug bear for your mum has got out of hand. Lets face it, it was never very likely (i assume) that your H2Bs parents were likely to be in the situation to be able to match this offer, so for a start your parents have managed to make them look like the poor relations no matter what they do, so do they go 'oh well here have £2000 its all we can afford' or do they go 'well they're obviously being traditional and payng the whole thing so thats fine by us'

Its very difficult to not make your parents sound liek the wrong party here but I think they are, though I wouldnt tell them cos when they're offering that kind of money you don't look a gift horse in the mouth! fact!

If i was ur H2B id never be able to say it to my folks, but you've got in an awful situation here, maybe ur needing to say to your parents 'look although everyones really grateful for ur money, H2Bs folks just cant afford this and theyre mortified and so is my H2B so can we jsut drop it please'

See I was in your OH place, kind of. My parents very kindly offered us 500 each as that is all they could afford. A grand is a grand and I was very grateful. My H though, I think from pressure from his parents who are quite well off, got it in his head my parents should be coughing up for he lot, which I think is very old fashioned. We had a few heated arguments about this as I think anything you are given should be accepted gratefully, not expected. I think your parents are being rude tbh, and if they want to help with YOUR wedding, fine, but they shouldn't expect the in laws

Yes I might have to say something like this to my parents to try and get them to drop it - my parents aren't expecting his to match what they are offering, they just keep saying that they would be grateful for some contribution to be made, however I have no idea how much they would be happy with! My parents do have more money than his so it would be unrealistic to expect them to pay half.

My mum and dad are paying for the reception,my OH's parents gave us £600 for our mini moon and £200 for the cake. We are paying for the majority and at my age that is the way i feel it should be.

In all honesty if it was my son and his wife to be's parents had £19,000 to spend then i would think they did not need my money anyway and in all honesty it does not sound like you do.

Perhaps they are planning on giving you a nice gift or perhaps they don't have much money.

EWSS

My parents (well, my mum) said right away when we got engaged that she wanted her and my dad to pay for the reception (which actually when she clarified it I discovered meant the meals, the band, the dance everything on that side of the day) but we didn't know what his parents could afford as his dad was off sick from work for nearly a year and his half pay was about to run out and he would never be going back as he was terminally ill, though (and this is the really sad part) we knew once he passed away his mum would never want for money again and paying towards the wedding wouldnt be an issue. His mum knew this as well though obviously and pledged to pay for our whole venue for the daytime and also to pay the humanist celebrant. Sadly it was only a matter of weeks before his dad passed away but he was delighted to know the wedding was booked and that they were able to pay that for us before he died - genuinely he was delighted. The sad sad thing was they couldnt have afforded that if he wasn't dying. We'll appreciate it forever.

So there you go we were lucky to only have the other incidental costs to pay ourselves

I feel for you my OH parents asked why my dad and his wife were not paying for our wedding and it made me feel uncomfortable, i hadnt actually asked him for any at this point as i was adamant we were paying for it all ourselves not that OH'S parents offered anything, then 2 weeks later mid booking of venue etc my dads wife called to say they would pay for all catering which amounts to £2500 bargain i thought more for the dress then, so the next time a comment was made i said well actually he's paying for the food and they then offered £300 towards a photographer again very greatful, seems one had to offer before the other decided to help too and i see from your ticker you still have over a year to go maybe OH's parents are waiting to see how plans go they might supprise you in the end, Good Luck with the OH though hope he does'nt stay mad for long x

This may not be a popular reply but I completely agree with your OH. If I were him I would be fuming that your parents were saying this to you but I would also probably be more annoyed that you had asked me to ask my parents for money. It may just be my thinking but I feel very embarrassed asking for money and I certainly have never asked anyone for any help with our wedding, tradition or not. I think you should tell your parents to drop it now

Ouch lynnie that wouldnt be a nice conversation.

I actually just remembered that awkward moment when my OH told his mum my parents were paying for the reception. I wasnt going to say anything at all. I already felt awkward that I knew they couldn't afford it as per my last post above.

I do understand needing to know what money is available before planning though. I asked OH if his parents had contributed to his brother's wedding, and he didnt' know. In the end, I think he said "we're not expecting anything, and we've budgeted for the wedding, but if you had planned to contribute, could we please be aware before we make final plans, but as we said, we're not asking for anything, just you to come along and be happy". FFIL said he had wanted to contribute a small amount but didn't want to tell us what to do with the money, and he'd think about an amount. It wasn't overly awkward because he was waiting for us to ask before offering. Had there been ANY hesitation from him though, or any surprise that we'd broached the subject, we wouldn't have dreamt of pushing the point. And I was never even going to ask my Dad since he footed the massive bill for my last failed marriage!

I think that you should be having a wedding that you can afford, if your parents have offered to greatly assist with the cost then that is fabulous for you and really generous of them. I do not think that anyone should be asking you OH's parents to pay for anything for YOUR wedding, it's just rude.

On a more practical note, I can totally understand your parents feeling miffed about the situation, do you think it would make your parents feel better if you did not accept all the money that they are offering?

Apologies if I come across as harsh.

I don't think this is harsh at all Soulmates. I completely agree with what you have said.

If I knew that I could only save £4000 for my wedding, I think I'd feel very uncomfortable to take nearly 5 times that amount from my parents, but that's just me. I totally appreciate that some parents really want to make this sort of contribution, though it shouldn't come with conditions or expectations re: how much others will contribute.

Perhaps instead of budgeting based on what you are being given, you could sit and make a rough plan of what you would like and see how much that comes to, and maybe you won't need all the money being offered i.e. not spending it simply because it's there. Your post implies the figure offered by your parents was somewhat of a surprise, whereas you'd have had a better idea of your own means as a couple, so I anticipate your plans would have been based on this.

I was in the same situation. My Mother and stepdad gave us £1,500 plus redecorated their house, garden, put us and some guests up etc , my Dad gave us £1,000 and H's parents gave us nothing, in fact, we've not yet had a wedding present now I think of it.

My mom kept asking me to ask Hs parents for a contribution knowing that Hs Dad had told my Mother how much he earned and it was more than her household income. But, I point blank refused and told my Mother she was rude and while I was very grateful for what she had given us, I wasn't going begging to others for money, when TBH we don't/didn't need it. In my opinion aa gift is just that - no conditions attatched and you cannot expect everyone to react to a wedding in the same way. I actually feel for my OHs mom as she must have picked up on this and said she felt uncomfortable about being at the wedding as they hadn't contributed - which is a thought that I hated.

So, I guess my opinion is the same as applied to you - that your OH has ever reason to be fuming. At this point, i'd be doing a lot of smoothing things over and suggest a frank and open talk between you, your OH and your parents. I

Erm, they have been complaining about them behind their backs so both your fiance and his parents have the right to think their behaviour rude. I think it's rude of them too!

In your position, I'd ask my parents to confirm whether the £19k is a gift. If so, thank them and get on with your planning. Your fiance's folks have said they'll contribute to the suits, as they've been (in my opinion, rudely) asked. Why should they pay more? They've done as your parents have (indirectly) requested.

I don't see why this problem can't be nipped in the bud? If it's left to fester it'll spoil your planning, offend both sets of parents and potential sour the relationship between you and your fiance.

Also, it always amazes me when people say 'well so and so has X amount of money so can afford it' - how does anyone know anyone else's financial situation other than their own? Goodness, some couple have no idea of the position their spouse is in so it's pretty presumptuous of your parents to expect your fiance's folks to cough up.

Fully agree

Totally agree, and totally relevant to my story.

My Mother and Stepdad combined may not earn what FIL alone earns (plus they have MILs full time job) but my Mother has a lot more disposable income as her mortgage for example is vertually paid off, while MIL an FIL only bought their place 10 years ago etc.

OHs Dad also said, quite honestly that even if he had it, he wouldn't give it us. He thinks that anything over £1,000 spent on a wedding is a waste, and while I totally disagree (and won't go into that debate with him, or anyone else), I totally respect that too.

My parents are giving us £3000 which we are matching and thats all we have to spend. We have managed to get everything we want for that price and so I really dont see how people can spend £20k plus on a day!

My OH's parents are separated- his Mum is paying for the cake and his Dad isn't contributing at all.

Its not for me, or anyone else to make you feel bad about accepting the 19K from your parents, whether it is something we would do or not is not the issue. It is between you h2b and your parents, it is nothing to do with h2b parents either. Presumably your parents have been saving this amount over several years which to me means they always intended to give it to you for you r wedding so why on earth should they expect someone else to pay anywhere near that just because they have? They dont knwo h2b parents financial history and enother should they so consqeuently they shouldnt be badgering you to 'make them pay'

And as your h2b i would be livid that your parents have been whinging and complaining and generally wearing you down to the point you have to ask him to ask his parents for money they may not have - i can hardly imagine that h2b parents felt in a position to say no knowing the 19k you parents are putting in. If i was them i would be worried sick at the thought of what the suits WILL cost if you are having to ask for them to pay for them if you dont have enough in the 19K kitty!!!

I can see where you, your parents, and your OH are coming from with this! Its a hard situation. There are some parents who just don't have an interest in their child's wedding and just don't see anything wrong with it!!

My mum and dad are giving us a lump sum to do with as we wish and they are actively involved in the planning (with my permission), and always interested in any ideas I have. OH's parents on the other hand gave us an engagement card and have not mentioned the wedding since! Apart from the one occasion where I got a bit pissy with OH about there lack of interest so we sat down and told them what exactly we wanted. They couldn't have been less interested! OH's dad said (the only thing he commented aswell) ''I'm not wearing a brown suit.' And neither took an interest in the venue brochure we brought. Didn't have their galsses on them... Well go get them then! To make matters worse, I left all our venue laflets, quotes etc at their house, thinking they might take an interest or even realise how much it was costing OH, myself and my parents. But no, they lost all our information!! I've never had an apology. They've never even mentioned it. The lack of interest someone can have in their oldest sons wedding amazes me and angers me.

Well that was a rant! Very sorry! Didn't realise how long it was, I was on a roll! That was quite theraputic ?

That sounds like I expect money from them! I don't, just nterest or a question every now and again would be polite!! Its not every day you get married!

I don't the OP's in laws not offering to contribute means they aren't interested in the wedding

I can see why you feel stuck in the middle - your parents nagging you on one side and your OH getting upset on the other.

TBH, I'd be upset if I was your OH. I wouldn't want to be made to ask my parents for money either. If I was you, I'd be telling my parents that I was incredibly grateful for their contribution and that you now have the amount of money you need to cover everything and as nicely as possible tell them to back off as far as OH's parents are concerned.

Just interested to know, if you've got enough to pay for the wedding you want, what on earth do your parents think you would you do with the extra money if OH's parents offered say £5000. Buy more expensive centrepieces just because you can?!