Wedding abroad - guest panic. Advice needed

I have no experience of this as we are getting married in this country with all our family but I have been to a destination wedding in Italy. My ex was the best man so we had to go really and they did have approx 10 guests I would say but then Italy is not as far away or as expensive as Mexico.

Are you saying that none of your family have requested to come to the wedding then, has this not been raised with either your side or your FH's? Or are they happy with the idea of the big party afterwards?

Because even if only 5 or 6 other people came this would solve your issue of having the friend on her own.

If no one else will come then I think you need to be honest with your friend and it would have been better to nip this in the bud when she first offered to come. But what's done is done and you are in this situation. I would call her (always better by phone not text) and explain that she will be alone a lot of the time if she comes to the wedding and would it not be better to spend time together at the after party when you and her can celebrate with everyone else.

I don't think it will work for her to be there by herself personally although it is very sweet of her to want to come. And then you can get the day you both want. Good luck.

Does your friend know that she will be the ONLY guest? I would be very surprised if she would feel comfortable being there if she knew it would be just her and the two of you so maybe reiterate this and she may well rescind the offer on her own if she gets the impression you won't be upset by this. If she doesn't rescind by herself, I think you should definitely explain to her that although you appreciate her generous offer, you actually aren't having guests. There's no bad blood here, it's a simple misunderstanding. You are not treating her any differently to any of your other friends and family whom are waiting until you get home for a big party. Her being there will completely change the dynamic of your wedding from what you had envisioned. Are you prepared to give that up?

I'm a little confused by this - did you invite family & close friends to attend your wedding and they couldn't afford it, or did you just tell them that you wanted to go alone? If family are not invited, then it could cause hurt if they later find out that one friend of yours has attended while they were excluded.

It also seems quite bizarre that your friend would invite herself to a wedding where she will be the only guest! And you are right, I think it will be very awkward getting married with only one guest in attendance. Either change your plans completely and invite some other people to come, or tell her that you feel it would be really awkward for her to be there since she will be on her own for so much of the time, and that it would be better to celebrate with her when you are back home.

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Hello Yorkshirelass,

Thank you so much for replying. When we booked it was on the understanding that it was unlikely anyone would join us, we have very small, fairly relaxed families who were happy to have a gathering when we got back. We haven't invited anyone really, just said "this is what we're planning to do".

You are right about nipping in the bud. At the time she was just going to explore the cost and I was so surprised and very touched that I didn't think through the ramifications. I think what's really stood out for me is that it leaves my fiance without a person and it's his day too. I know he's not cross and also touched at friends gesture, but it does change what we can do. I'd envisioned dinner on the beach under the stars or a walk together. I don't know what my friend will feel abot being the only other person there. I think I've been lax in communicating with her. I don't really know many people who have married so very unsure on the etiquette. Luckily I know that she hasn't paid for anything yet, so time is on my side and we're still well over a year away. I had a read online that if you issue invites and then tell people they can't come it is really bad but we haven't invited anyone (including my friend.. it's just sort of hapened).

Thank you so much again

x

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Hello Yorkshirelass,

Thank you so much for replying. When we booked it was on the understanding that it was unlikely anyone would join us, we have very small, fairly relaxed families who were happy to have a gathering when we got back. We haven't invited anyone really, just said "this is what we're planning to do".

You are right about nipping in the bud. At the time she was just going to explore the cost and I was so surprised and very touched that I didn't think through the ramifications. I think what's really stood out for me is that it leaves my fiance without a person and it's his day too. I know he's not cross and also touched at friends gesture, but it does change what we can do. I'd envisioned dinner on the beach under the stars or a walk together. I don't know what my friend will feel abot being the only other person there. I think I've been lax in communicating with her. I don't really know many people who have married so very unsure on the etiquette. Luckily I know that she hasn't paid for anything yet, so time is on my side and we're still well over a year away. I had a read online that if you issue invites and then tell people they can't come it is really bad but we haven't invited anyone (including my friend.. it's just sort of hapened).

Thank you so much again

x

Hi Xkimx007,Thank you for your thoughts. I've not specifically said that she would be the only person there. I am hoping you are right and if I give her a call (we live in different parts of the country) and explain what's happened she may understand. I don't think I would want to be the only person at someones wedding either.Maybe if I say we are really really touched but we're concerned it won't be as nice for her as the big gathering we're having once we get back, where she will know lots of people (some of whom she introduced to us) and maybe see if I can make it a joint decision?I think I was prepared to give up the initial idea.. we are marrying on the beach and we'd envisioned hiring a day bed, being able to go for a walk, relax in style and then have dinner under the stars (that sort of thing). Realistically we can't really do that if we have her there. Which is OK but then equally what do you do with one other person? It's not even like a small group. The more I think about it the more panicked I become and worse I feel. Not just towards her but also my poor fiance whose day it is too.

View quoted message That’s ok. I don’t think it’s so much about knowing people who are married just more about what is polite and good etiquette. It is true that it is bad form to un invite people but that usually only happens when there has been family rows as many people on this forum can confirm!
As you say communication is the key and in my opinion I would follow up with the friend and explain that no one else is coming so it is bit out of the ordinary that she is planning on coming and reiterate that she will be alone a lot of the time! Hopefully that will make her rethink, you never know she might have changed her mind anyway if you haven’t spoken for a while!
Good luck

View quoted message If you are feeling panicked and bad like this you should definitely tell her sooner rather than later. That's not how you should be feeling about your wedding. I don't even think it needs to be a joint decision tbh. She will understand when she realises you are not having guests and that you envisioned it just being the two of you. Good luck x

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Hi RomanticGreenStationary,

We didn't invite family/friends. We never expected people would want to because of cost and just said "we're going away to get married and then we'll come back and have a big party" to celebrate. When I met up with my friend at the time I said that was our plan and that we weren't expecting anyone to come and at that point she said "oh well I've always wanted to visit Mexico I could time it with your big day and join" maybe she thought I was sad at it being the two of us - I don't know..

On the plus side I know she hasn't yet confirmed any plans or paid any money etc. the travel agent has been slow to respond to her so that helps a little. She did mention "oh I must chase up on that" so maybe she's not as keen and letting it drift? That would be good. I just don't want to lose my friendship, but equally I'm realising that I don't want to wait to discover that.

The whole wedding thing is scary, complex and makes me tense. Part of the reason for us to go away was to avoid all this and somehow through my not taking control of things I've ended up with it anyway.

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts.

x

It would seem this was a passing comment, you have not actually invited her so if I were her I wouldnt be booking someothing based on an off the cuff conversation. I would say you do need to say something now as she may well go ahead and book it if they come back to her. All you need to say is that whilst you are appreciative that she would consider coming you and your partner have now agreed that your ceremony will be just the 2 of you as since you spoke with her you have confirmed your family are unable to attend, so it wouldnt feel right to have her there and not them. You are aloowed to change your mind and is no loss to her at the moment as she hasnt booked it, but things are going to far dowm the line for you to stop it unless you say something now. I am sure she will udnerstand and you can invite her to the party later in the year.

I think you just need to talk to her and explain how you feel believe me honesty is the best thing i found that out too late xx All i can say is this is your wedding and it will be nice for you to relax and chill as two not three xx. I do hope she can see your point xx💗

I think you definitely need to clarify that while you're getting married in Mexico, you're not having a "wedding" in the sense of an event in Mexico. I think if you said something along the lines of: "Just wanted to make sure you weren't going out of your way to be in Mexico when we are... FYI we're not actually having any guests on the day so while it would be lovely to coordinate meeting up with you if we overlap on another day of our holiday, there won't actually be a wedding to attend in Mexico and we won't be free on X day because we'll be getting married just the two of us! We'll be having the main wedding party back here at Y time and will send you all the details!"

This really sounds like a bit of miscommunication, like you need to have a good long chat and first of all, figure out if it was a comment she made at the time that she plans to stand by, or if she's not actually planning on coming.

If she is serious about making the trip, just emphasise that your dream is to have dinner under the stars, and have a romantic, intimate that's not in any way an event - that might be enough to make her realise that it could be awkward for her, without you having to outright tell her not to come. Either way, it's important that the day happens the way YOU want it to, and isn't changed or planned around on unexpected guest, no matter how well meaning!

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Hi Jamie,

Thank you so much for your reply. We did have a big chat about it last weekend. She is definitely wanting to join us. It turns out that the resort requires that 80% of any wedding party is based on the resort. I did feel that this could end up costing her quite a lot of money but she (within reason) was OK with that. I'm not sure how I feel about her being on the same resort as us, I think it is quite large. At times it feels a bit like things are snowballing out of control a bit. Other times I remember that she is a very experienced, independent traveller and I think based on our conversation is using our wedding as a reason to travel to a place she's always fancied. I don't like the idea of her getting there and messaging me to let me know what the restaurants are like and ruining our discovery - does that make sense?

Anyway it's all very much up in the air at the moment. I think we're going to wait and see what the travel agent comes back with and go from there.

My fiance and I decided that if she does join us for our wedding we'll have our dinner under the stars the day after our wedding, a sort of "first day married" celebration.

View quoted message So long as you're communicating with her about it, I'm sure it will all work out okay!


I do think you should let her know that you want your experience there to be new and exciting and a bit of a surprise, and ask her not to tell you anything before hand so you and your OH can explore the place together - I'm sure she would be understanding of that!

When you say you 'had a big chat' with her, just how clear were you? If you were clear that the ceremony was planned as being just you and your partner, followed by a honeymoon and then a celebration back in the UK, it seems very odd that she is still insisting she is coming.

I hope this doesn't sound unkind, but I wonder if you are someone who finds it difficult to be direct with other people for fear of hurting them?

You can't stop her booking a holiday at the same time and in the same resort as you if she wants to, but you can say something like 'we would really like our first couple of days of married life to be just the two of us together, but if you are around on day three, maybe we could meet up for a drink'.