Wedding cancelled

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear this. But if he's not the one you have made the right decision, hard though I'm sure it was.

Big hug lovely!

Like ID said if he’s not right for you then its best thing you have done for you and him.

Oh i'm sorry! but it sounds like you made the right decision for both of you if it doesnt feel right.

We still want you here so stay!!!

I admire your strength. I've seen too many people 'settle' for fear of being single. You know in your heart when it's right and when it's not. Don't be a stranger.

Sorry to hear this hun, but sounds like you're making the right decision. Your signature says you bought a house together recently too, hope you can sort everything amicably x

That is a very brave decision and I applaud it while sending you hugs xxx

i hope you manage to sort out what needs sorting xxx

We're staying together and focusing on doing our house up, and if he decides further down the line that we both want different things in that he wants to get married and calls time on our relationship then I'm not going to be selfish and ask him to stay. i can't predict the future but who knows things might improve.

ive had quite a few people say I'm brave or strong etc. I don't feel it though, I'm questioning myself lol :/ Did I make the right decision, have I thought things through? My mums just popped round and she too has told me that she wonders if I've made the right decision. She asked me if I wanted to change the date instead. Those who were on the 2016 thread on wedding planning would know that I'd previously considered changing the date.

I'm going to play devil's advocate here even though in this case I'd rather keep my mouth shut! If he's not your best friend/soul mate, the one, however you want to paint it, should you really be staying together? Are you doing this because it's easier? If you had called the wedding off because of finances, health, etc, fair enough, but you've specifically said you don't feel he's your soul mate. Isn't it a little unfair on both of you to continue the relationship when you don't think it's right? As celticcurl said, she's seen people settle for fear of being single, this feels like you're still doing that? Sorry to be rude after you've made such a tough decision

We were actually happier before we got engaged, we were more outgoing, didn't argue as much :] happy to be in each other's company.

When we got together he said he wasn't ready to get married, he gave me an engagement ring but he called it a 'promise' ring, a ring to symbolise him to always promise to be there, to look after me, to show my parents that there was someone to care for me when they were no longer around. It was only til I started going down the wedding route that changed things, it took him a while apparently to like the idea. I only found out the truth about the ring when the discussion came up about changing/cancelling the wedding.

infact actually I'm happy just being 'in a relationship' with him, this is only my second relationship since I started taking relationships seriously. I don't count boyfriends in school, and I never had any anyway. So therefore I don't see the need to settle down so early on, it's like I've just stepped into the world of dating and I'd like to test the waters if that makes any sense, the only difference being I ended up buying a house with him, ands it's a lot cheaper to sell a house than settle a divorce!

Yeah, that's what marriage is - you promise to always be there and take care of each other. Did that not raise a red flag to you? For me personally, I would feel like I was being palmed off. I made it very clear to my H that I wouldn't get serious unless marriage was on the agenda.

So he's the one to not understand what marriage is then by giving me an engagement ring and calling it a promise ring, and then saying that he didn't want to get married? Or am i just being stupid here, falling for something hook line and sinker?

I agree with Mrs Shep. If you don't want to get married to him and he's not your best friend/soul mate you need to let him go.

I'm sorry if this upsets you after you've made a tough call today. I really think you both deserve more than that.

Don't just stay because you're afraid and you've just bought a house. He'll resent you otherwise.

Im sorry my last comment seems to have taken a while to post and is a bit 'behind times'.

You've done very well making a tough call, but don't stay with someone who can't fully commit to you. IF neither of you are that bothered about this being long term you can go have a laugh being single and mingling.

Well I'll be honest, I have never come across promise rings IRL. I've heard of them as an American high school convention, and wiki describes them as "a ring given to a romantic partner to signify a commitment to a monogamous relationship". Ie, they symbol fidelity, but not the intention to marry.

There are a lot of questions here though: did you think it was an engagement ring, or convince yourself it was, or tell people it was? Did you start planning a wedding when you weren't really engaged cos that's what you wanted? I'm not trying to blame you, just unpick the situation a bit.

When a guy buys a ring and goes through with the whole down on one knee thing it's engagement. That's how I've grown up knowing it is, I never knew of a promise ring and never bothered googling.

I absolutely agree, that describes engagement. So that's what happened but he told you he wasn't actually proposing? That sounds confusing to say the least. He obviously isn't ready for marriage, but if a person isn't ready they shouldn't be getting on one knee and presenting a ring, IMO.

I question whether your trying to be too nice and stopping in the relationship and it'll get into a rut where neither of you can afford to move out and your gradually not very much friends anymore and you'll get to the point where you quite frankly resent each other. Sometimes the hard thing is the best thing in the long run

I know somebody who did have a promise ring and they did end up married it was before they went to separate university more of an I'll always love you and be with you even when we're not together than an engagement ring at that time as they wasn't in a position to get married etc yet. Maybe that's another use of the eternity ring that you would normally give on a first anniversary or a birth of a first child

To be honest, neither of you seem committed to each other. He gave you a not-quite-engagement ring, and you don't think he's "the one" and want to keep your dating options open. Surely you're better off having a clean break? I may be wrong but you both sound quite young and that neither of you are really ready for a serious relationship.

I really respect you for taking the step of cancelling the wedding when you realised it wasn't right for you. It takes guts to realise that and I have heard from many friends who have divorced that they knew things weren't right before the wedding but felt they were on a conveyor belt they couldn't get off. Or they thought the wedding would miraculously solve all their problems.

I agree with what others have said that now is the time to evaluate your relationship and work out if you both want the same things or whether you should go your separate ways. Don't stay with someone just because it's difficult to separate. There is no legal obligation to get married but it will breed resentment if one wants it and the other doesn't.

Good luck!

At least you decided that he wasn't the one now instead of going ahead with the wedding. I have to say I don't understand the logic behind staying in the same house, why would you want to do that? Put the house on the market - it will sell and it will also allow you both to move on.....live your life and one day you will find the one for you x

I agree with the others. Well done for making the decision to cancel - that can't have been easy. It does sound as if neither of you are really sure about your relationship so you might be better off calling it a day before you end up resenting each other. Obviously we don't know much about your relationship so we can't tell you what to do, only you can work that out.

I do sympathise though as I'm having similar feelings of doubt at the moment but we've been married a year. I had no doubts at all before we got married but things have changed for us. It's really hard but you have to make the right decision for both of you.

It's ok! I prefer you cancel the wedding than you divorce in the future. I believe wedding is long-life commitment. Keep fighting!

Sorry to hear this. But if its not right, then it's not right. There is no rush and its good you have had the confidence to do this. Even though it must be really tough x

Aww big hugs RS. I agree with peanut, you sound very young, either in life experiences or in age, and neither of you seem sure you want to get married. You aren't sure he is 'the one' whilst he gave you a promise ring but doesn't want to be engaged. It was a really tough decision but the right one from what you have said. It is so easy to get swept along in wedding planning with the actual day planning without remembering the commitment it symbolises.

We have posted on here before about promise rings - I think when it happened on TOWIE. They are an American thing that was really started with teenagers. For teenagers, fine I can see how they would be a good thing. It is saying we are serious but also sensible enough to know that we are too young to get married. I know a couple who had been together ages, very loved up both been married before and neither wanted to be married but wanted to make a lifetime commitment to each other and they have 'eternity' rings. Again, fine, they have made a lifelong commitment to each other. But when a grown man seems to propose then says it was a promise ring not an engagement ring? wtf? IMO that is a cop out.

Take some time but please don't fall into the trap of staying together just because its easy and you don't argue. You both deserve to be with someone who you can't imagine being without and who you really want a lifetime commitment with.

Marriage isn't for everybody. I get that.

But unless both people feel the same way about it, and neither one is willing to compromise, then I don't think those two people should be together.

I don't believe in this whole soulmate thing, nor do I believe that I've married my best friend. But I do believe that you should be with someone who makes you feel like your life would be worse without them in it.

I feel like OP's getting a bit of a hard time here - she's taken step one in questioning her engagement/wedding and they've decided to stay together and see if the dynamic changes. It's a bit rough everyone questioning whether they should be together or not. Relationships change daily - she said she feels that the wedding planning had a negative effect on theirs and that they are taking it back a step. Why can't they do that, following having made such a difficult decision anyway, without people questioning whether they should be together at all.

I know this place is for free speech and open to everyone's opinions, but really I think there are times when opinions aren't really very helpful.

100% agree with this.

I do hope you're ok OP

I agree with this too.

Take your time OP, make sure you get what you need and make the decisions that are right for you xxx

Thanks sillywrong :] I'm fine I think, I do believe I made the right decision though. I would of been fake smiling throughout the whole thing and would of felt guilty after inviting everyone to a what is supposed to be a truly happy day! I'm not sure if he resents me for cancelling it :/ he just seems 'off' some days, although I am now beginning to question our whole relationship, I've spoke to mum about things but it just feels like she is pushing me into staying with him, fobs me off with excuses like it'll change in a few months, you're just going through a lot at the minute. I really don't see why I should be with someone if it's making me unhappy. i can't leave him as my mum won't have me back :/

Oh bless you! i'm sorry you feel your mum is not supporting you! have a big hug.

You are 100% right that you should not be with someone if it's making you unhappy. Do you feel unhappy?

If you are unhappy and want to leave then that is the best thing you can do. It's hard as the natural reaction is to want to go home. We've all been there. When things get tough sometimes mum is best.

I'm sure there are options for you if you can't stay with her. I think you mentioned you have bought a house together? Can you rent out a room and use that money to rent somewhere else? Could you stay with a friend?

Good luck Snowflake - don't forget to tell us how you get on and what you decide.