What to do, Dad's Partner and Mother's nose...

I'm not totally sure what to suggest as it can be tricky with individual circumstances and trying to keep everyone happy can be a really tricky thing. I've tried to keep thing simple by telling my mum and mum in law they can wear what ever they like. I'm having quite a neutral colour scheme over all and with then just choose bridesmaid dresses that don't clash with blue suits for the groom best man and ushers. I'm happy for everyone else to wear what they fancy. unless you really want to coordinate all of the bridal party that may be an easier route, or if you do then it may be easier if you do suggest colours to her. I'm wondering though by your final question if it may be more to do with you not being keen with her involvement in general...in that case I guess just do more of the planning and your shopping with your mum.

If it were me I'd have a think about a colour for her sharpish - this way you get the worry out of your mind but it also gives you a nice opportunity to chat with her when you tell her.

then I'd give her a call and say I've been having a think and I'd like you to wear something in (colour) - do you fancy going shopping for it together one weekend? This way she feels involved and you can help direct her to colours that you are happy with. I'd maybe also chat to your dad, discreetly and say you want to make it a day for your mum to help you plan and that you hope your Step mum wouldn't be offended, but as he sees her every day to reassure her that you have everything in hand with your mum. That way he will know you've thought of her and help to reign her in a bit if she keeps wanting to get involved more than you might want.

that or think of a job you aren't bothered about as much that she can help with - maybe researching stuff and sending you the findings (we did this with local hotels to recommend, they loved going to each for a drink in the bar to get an idea of surroundings before sending a detailed report on each haha!) xx

Hi there

Thanks for the reply that sounds like an less complicated option! It's awkward because she's one of those over achieving but really nice and friendly women that other women with low self esteem would feel intimidated by her and I'm very protective of my mum.

I really want to colour co-ordinate my bridal party and I love the colours.

xx

Hi YellowDiamond

Thanks for the reply hun, quite like this idea. Love the offer of the shopping trip too! She's abroad atm with my dad which is maybe why she asked I'll text her once I think of a colour!!

She kinda wore white to her close family members wedding which narked me a little too.

We're getting married abroad so I can't think of any tasks at the minute, have you any ideas (great idea too!! )

xxx

I might be being stupid but I don't get why you're telling her what colour she can wear? My OH's Dad's partner has been told 'my Mums wearing X and his Mums wearing Y but otherwise please yourself'. As a grown woman, I wouldn't take kindly to being told what colour to wear.

Hi Sunnypink

You are right! I only said the wedding colour scheme is a surprise so she can't know to match with dad. She can wear whatever she wants though.

I know the colours she likes to wear and they aren't wedding related but nice and might tone so I was going to suggest one of those (that she likes) in a shade that works with the overall effect.

Thanks aspenlady I appreciate your honestly and believe me I know not all step mothers are difficult, I've had ups and downs with this woman but generally we get on ok. In the past we was very difficult at my brothers wedding asking to be put at the top table, wanting thrones for the couple and overstepping the mark. I agree that weddings are more important than colour palettes but I still don't want my mum and her in the same colour neither would I want her to wear the same colour as the MIL. my mum has expressed her wish that my future step mother is not involved in the wedding. What am I to do? & my fiancé wants to keep the colours a surprise.

My career is design and fashion so you'll excuse me for saying the colour palette and print work is the most important aspect for us not the food or venue.

Hi Aspenlady

Sounds like a wonderful day, I'd love to get her involved and show her the BM dresses and help her chose a lovely outfit that doesn't match but works with everything it's just trying to keep my mum in good spirits about it all she's very much involved at the minute and when I suggested step-mom etiquette she hung up on me! I know it's our day and she has to deal but I don't think she will. I feel genuinely bad about the reaction I've received from everyone and I still have to plan a hen do!!

Thanks for the advice everyone I think I know what I need to do!

xx

In your position id just tell her what you told us, that you dont want non bridal party people matching and that you would live to do this with your mother because she has already done it with your step sister

I agree with other posters in such that once the wedding is over your mum will go back to her life away from dad and step mum but she will still be your dad's partner and your step mum. I think you should find a happy medium.

i would sit down with step mum and say you are not being deliberately obstructive but decisions were made that no one would know the colours who were not directly involved in the bridal party. That also quite understandably your mum doesn't want her involved in things. I'm sure she would understand that. Suggest you and your stepmom have a shopping day together to search for her outfit and that that way you can point out to her outfits in colours where she would not be in the same colours but still tone in and also compliment your dad's colours.

Im sure if you explain things like that she will understand, realise it's not you being funny with her and feel more confident about which colours she buys. With hopefully, no bad feeling afterwards on her part and you haven't actually gone against your mothers wishes.

Hi Sobert & Jayne E

Think I need a sit down with step mum, thanks for the advice it all sounds pretty reasonable lol. Just hope that's how it ends up! Think if I involve her someway it'll all be ok just need to find out what that is!

Aspen my step mum has already hinted about the hen do and my mum wants to be involved too, that's going to be a whole other mine field.

It'll all work out it's just I don't want to offend anyone and I think going the way I am I'm offending everyone!! The joys of wedding planning! Thanks for the input xoxo

Maybe just tell her the colour scheme? Telling her isn't telling everyone and realistically your Dad will probably tell her himself. May be wrong but I would definitely tell my partner if he was upset about not knowing something!

Also asking her to pick an outfit that isn't in two specific colours (which she doesn't know) would be a minefield and a little bit unfair.

Hope it all works out.

I think part of the issue is, like you said, you're trying to please everyone. I know you love your mother and things may be difficult for her, but it's time to put your foot down and explain to her that while you will do your best to keep them separated, she is an adult and will have to be cordial. It's your wedding day and she should do what it takes to make it a pleasant drama-free day. It's not fair to exclude your father's partner just because your mother doesn't like her. At their core, weddings are about blending two families to create a new one, not drawing lines in the sand to separate people and make sure everyone knows their place. It wouldn't make sense to exclude a family member on a day when you are supposed to be embracing new ones.

Like others have suggested, take her out shopping and suggest outfits in colours that aren't in your colour scheme. That way you can find her something appropriate without giving too much info away.

I know you mentioned the issue about the head table came up in another wedding not your own, but I also want to point out that it's not a big deal if she wants to sit there. She is your Dad's partner, after all. What's the big deal about adding one or two extra chairs (if your mother has a partner as well)? But I tend to live by the notion that it takes very little effort to make an extra person feel included but it can cause a lot of hurt when you do the opposite. Just something to think about in case that issue pops up.

Hi Boxleby & MrsP2Be

Both sets of parents have remarried so we're not having a head table, we wouldn't have enough people to fill tables if we did! (smallish wedding) it was seen as interfering at that time, but this is a different situation she's partner of Father of the bride...

You're right guys I'll try and keep everyone happy and embrace the new families and new relationships with existing members.

Will have a chat with her and make sure she knows I'm not being difficult and she will look great with pics of my dad, I'll suggest colours I know she likes to wear as well as complimenting him! Or work my dad's outfit to be more neutral!! I know a lot of people are wondering why he's matching the Groom...

Thanks guys!

xx

Seems a good excuse to have two hen do's too. That way you aren't throwing mum and step mum together. Or maybe it's good practise for the wedding lol. Maybe step mum can come on one where you let your hair down and mum come on a spa day or something. If mum complains say well I didn't expect you to want to come on the one step mum is coming on.

Wow what a stress for you!

I'm not sure I can be much help, because I couldn't really care less about my colour scheme (navy and lace in whatever shade of pale I get my dress!) and I really don't care what guests rock up in :/ My brother is pulling his hair out over my lack of 'bothered' haha!

But reading this did remind me of a wedding my mum and dad went to, where both the brides and grooms parents were split up, and remarried. They had each set of parents host a table for the reception, and they said it was really nicely done.

I can see why your Mum would be upset, my h2b was hinting that his Mum (who I get on really well with) was wanting to come wedding dress shopping (FSIL is bridesmaid) and when I mentioned to my Mum 'so it'll be me, you, FMIL, FSIL, adam (my brother) and Kelly (other bridesmaid) she threw a right hissy fit! I was so surprised, she gets on great with FMIL, but she really feels that this is something that should be between us. So I've had to tell FMIL that 'sorry, Mum wants to have the experience with me, but come to a fitting!' (thankfully she understood!)

Hello! Only just seen this, sorry!

Hmmm, id be seriously upset if someone else wore white on my wedding day - I used to think it was an unwritten rule that you just didn't do that, but I've seen others do it at a few weddings recently, so (cue the heat for being a bridezilla.....) I'm copying one of my friends who had a note in her invites saying "the bride respectfully requests that guests do not wear the wedding colours of ivory and purple" - ultimately you aren't saying you absolutely must not but it highlights clearly and nicely your preference!

with jobs she could do, I gave my mum (when she was getting a bit OTT!) researching local hotels for people to stay at although this may not be needed if your guests are travelling abroad and poss all staying on site, but what about researching nice bars etc near the venue to recommend in your wedding packs for people that way if they are going a few days before they will know what there is locally? And you can just choose the ones you like the sound of from her suggestions?

Where is it you are getting married? Xxx

Honestly this sounds like a lot of stress over nothing.

Tell her the colours and what colour your mum is wearing and it'll make life a whole lot easier!

Also as a slight aside as a guest I like to know what colour the BMs are wearing so I don't turn up in the same.

I was trying to figure out how to phrase something along those lines for the wedding website

I actually dont mind people wearing our colour scheme because I think it looks cute when things match but I do NOT want people wearing white (unless it something like a shirt as part of a suit etc...) its just a simple respect thing that you do not dress in the brides colour and its my pet hate at weddings, I may even be bridezillar-y enough to tell the ushers not to let anyone in that shows up in white since its the one and only request Im making

Im pretty sure most normal people are respectful enough not to wear white, ivory or cream anyway but in the cases where it does happen (even if the bride says its ok) like pippa at the royal wedding or holly at ferne cottons wedding then it always drags the attention from the bride and everyone talks about them instead which is just really sad for the bride ☹️

Hi Jayne

My mum would be devastated if she missed the night out lol she’s out more than me but I like the idea of 2 hen dos. Better than my original thought of not having any! :/ thanks for the advice!

Hi Kat

Wow bet you it looks amazing and perfect anyway! My parents will be hosting tables at the wedding all being well, I’m not expecting or planning for stress on the day to be honest (famous last words!), my mum has been dreaming about my wedding since I was prancing about in her dress I really get that she doesn’t want to pander to my dad’s partner but i have a feeling she needs to!!

Yellow that’s a great idea! Pity the wedding invites have been sent! Wedding is abroad and no one is visiting before it in June next year but I’m sure I can delegate something for her to feel involved! Thanks for the advice xo

Hi Holey

I guess it’s an irrational fear that she turns up in mums colour or something lol! We’r talking about putting my dad in a silver tie now so she wouldn’t be able to match him by dressing in silver as it’s too close to ivory & my dress!!

Hi Sorbet

I was going to get my MOH to politely tell a guest that turns up in a white dress that there’s a backup wardrobe in the hotel bar and would they mind changing such a big big big no no for me! I completely agree it’s disrespectful! I actually read somewhere that it’s nearly always girls who want to be brides that wear it sub-consciously… Sorry anyone who wore white to a wedding that wasn’t the bride, it’s probably an old fashioned way of thinking

To be honest guys it’s something she’s always loved being able to do, match my dad at a wedding. I don’t think offering her another colour is good enough, I’ll explain my reasoning and hope there’s not too much discomfort.

I think your step mum could 'match' with your dad (her partner) while still being in a different colour to your mum. As in two cometely different colours could still tone nicely.

Hi Jayne

The bridesmaids will be in the same colour as my dad too, where my mum will be toning not matching, same with MIL, I'll have a look at my dad's tie and see what colours are in it that would look good.

Thanks hun xo

My step mum, and my wife's step mum at our wedding. They were initially mortified. Handled it very well though, all in good spirits. These are the lovely little quirks you don't get at a wedding if you try to control every single minutiae.

Hi Sillywrong!

Love this! Your are completely right too, I'm sure the wine helped!!

I know that if it was my mum & step mum there'd be no evidence my mum would probably leave before the cameras come out... I guess I just have to deal with it, people can turn up in the wedding colours and I won't care! This will all be a distant memory in a few weeks lol!!

I'll have a word and take her shopping & hopefully ease the tension this is only wedding stress I have, everything else is blissfully easy going lol!!

xxx

In all honesty I think you are over thinking with colours. I would tell her your dad is matching the bridesmaids so if she matches him she will look like one, tell her the colour he is wearing so she can find one that compliments and if she says a colour your mum is wearing be honest and say mums wearing that how about this? They are the parents not the bride so no one cares what they wear anyway! As for keeping the colour scheme secret in this case I would tell the parents as thereis obviously underlying tension between your mum and step mum so best to keep the peace! My OHs mum and step mum don't see eye to eye either and we have taken the route of like it or lump it. It's your day no one else's and if they can't swallow their pride and celebrate your hen do together (that's If you want them both there) then I would consider having a hen do with out them. If you tip toe around everyone you will end up sacrificing what you want. if you want your step mum at the hen do invite her if not then don't, if you want her at the head table do if not don't, it's your day not theirs

Aww Lapland

I love your way of thinking!

I think I might try that thanks! Like it or lump it sounds like something we need to consider! It'll all work out and as long as I'm friends with everyone the day after then I'm good!

Thanks hun

xx

We're having a wedding abroad and a party to celebrate in the UK. Family that supported us going abroad that couldn't attend started guilt tripping and almost bullying us so we ended up saying cake, speeches etc were all going to take place in the UK and it was the venue owners saying to us it's becoming a wedding not a party that made me stop and think. I now have a bouquet I didn't want, decorations I didn't need and two cakes for the UK (don't ask!!!) because I didn't stand up for myself. The final straw was demanding we move the time back to get photos in good lighting when my oh snapped and pointed out its not the wedding! Our speeches are now in lapland and the UK has become a party again! My hen do I said like it or lump it they have chosen not to come - their loss not mine! You will feel so much better once you stop trying to keep the peace and you make the decisions, it's hard esp with very close family but if you dont do it you will make decisions you regret like we did! I could have saved us over £500 if I did it sooner and I wouldnt have been stressed.

Lapland wow i never thought of it like that, we're getting that treatment too actually, but we simply cannot afford it so it ain't happening lol! It's horrible to think people aren't happy with us, we ended up creating a wedding list too bowing to peer pressure! But it makes us look selfish and greedy to those who didn't want us to get one!

Can't win so we should stop trying, when it's their day they can have it their way! xoxoxo

PS Oh wow you're getting married in Lapland? What an amazing location! xo

Definately stick to what you want. As you say you get pressure from some to do something then when you give in you get pressure from others not to. You can't please everyone so you may as well make sure you two are the ones that are happy with what you've organised. You will definately regret it of not.

I'm a Lapland bride too. A week later! Eloping tho.

Just a thought.... I know your mum seems to want the colours keeping secret etc but doesn't that mean every guest has the chance of turning up in the bridesmaids colours? Surely it's better to say please avoid these particular colours.

Hi Jayne

Lapland looks beautiful congrats xoxox

To be honest it's more that SM wants to match my dad & I've told me mum and MIL they can't match the bridesmaids but can tone, so if SM matches my dad HELL on earth from my mum... I'm going to tell CM colours that will work with his tie and if she's not happy she can bring her own tie for pics that match her outfit

Either way people are going to be peeved, but thinking selfishly - I don't want SM to wear the BM colours so that is the end of it - she can tone with the other mothers if she wishes.

xxx

Ahh right. Yes makes sense you don't want them matching bridesmaids. Yes give them a toning colour choice and leave them to it. It's not like step mum is going to clash much with a tie is it.

Ahh right. Yes makes sense you don't want them matching bridesmaids. Yes give them a toning colour choice and leave them to it. It's not like step mum is going to clash much with a tie is it.