What Would You Do If Your OH Cheated? **Proceed With Caution...**

I think id never be able to let it go and would bring it up in every arguement and it would ruin us eventually if we didnt split straight away...but i guess i dont know for sure like the others say!

as for a husband telling his wife hed never leave her no matter what she did, id think he was a bit of a mug!

i do wonder sometimes if there was a 100% chance no1 would find out would he cheat? or like that hall pass film where they are giving a week to do whatever they want woth whpever they want what would happen.

I resorted to taking my anger out on the ex who cheated...

When I found out my he had cheated on me when he went on a lad's holiday I handcuffed him naked & blindfolded to his bed, went downstairs to his Dad's cafe and handed him the key. Then left with said ex's pool cue (his pride and joy at the time as he was playing for England) and broke it. Childish I know, but christ did I feel better....

If it was just a drunken kiss then I think I could probably forgive that. I might be able to forgive a one-night stand. I hope would never forgive him for an affair.

Honestly though, I really can't imagine him ever cheating on me. He had a very, very nasty experience with his ex who cheated on him in the most horrible way and, as a result of that, I know he puts faithfulness as the 2nd most important quality in a marriage (literally, we had to list them as part of our marriage prep course).

I can't believe so many of you think a drunken snog is 'ok'! Wow.

If H was intimate in any way for any reason with another woman, I'd leave him and take our daughter with me. I know that would kill him as he is devoted to her. We've dicussed it before and both feel that if one of us cheated we would go our separate ways. I'd feel a mug if I stayed with him and if it was the other way around, I'd think the same of him.

We are friends with a couple where there have been marital cheating on the wife's behalf that her husband knows found out about it. They felt they had to stay together for the children and financial reasons (think they are terrified of life apart and feel trapped). We see them arguing and bickering constantly, there's no love or trust left in the relationship. It's sad, really sad. I'd prefer a life apart than to be that unhappy.

I know aa couple very simular in both are very needy and reliant upon each other. Both know the other would never leave regardless of their behaviour and it makes me so very sad.

As for us - I am in 2 minds and couldn't confirm what i'd do until it happened, which I am very confident it won't.

On one hand Trust and communication is the basis of our relationship, until we had that, we both agree our relationship couldn't progress given the time we spend apart and unconactable and the emotions we have and hence need to talk through. If either of us was to break that trust it would be impossible for us to carry on as we do now. Knowing H had sought either emotional comfort or even unemotional sex from another woman over me would say a lot about or marriage and we would need to split.

On the other hand there is a part of me that says that I took H in marriage in times of sorrow, and in times of joy, for better for worse. While i'd love to sit here and say I would walk away, it would totally depend on the circumsances, and I think i'd owe it to us to give it a go, on the bais that if it didn't work, at least I tried. I think when someone hurts you so very much, natual reaction is "flight mode" to run, as far and fast as possible to protect yourself and I'd like to think i'd be able to get into "Fight mode" and fight for our relationship, but again, that depends on whether it is worth fighting for, and deep down whether you know you could forgive.

I have been cheated on, as you all know..

Yes, I feel that I have been made a fool of, I'm devastated to the point of not being able to think of anything else but him with her..

However, I have invested 6 years of my life to him and I am still hopelessly in love with him, whether that will keep us together is another issue.

I dont think anyone can say for definate whether they would leave/try and make it work etc unless you are in that situation.

We are going to counselling which, last night, went pear shaped but I guess emotions are going to get heated and in those situations I do question myself whethger this is the right thing to do or not.

For instance... last night we were discussing "acceptable" timeframes witht he Counsellor with regards to myself "getting over it" if want for a better term of phrase, OH then piped up and said that HE wouldnt wait forever for me to make my mind up, to which a heated debate ensued over the longevity of the affair to which he again replied with " well, my timeframe will be up in about 3 seconds if you keep this up".. which I responded to his 'threat'..

Basically, what i'm saying is it is SO hard to try and patch things up after one has been unfaithful but hopefully at the end of it we will either be together and stronger than ever or I will come out of counselling a stronger person... either way counselling is the route to go down.

I hope my rambling has made some sense?

KBS just want to give you a big ?

KBS is your wedding still on?

We havent postponed it, no... however we do still have 9 1/2 months for things to be either sorted and go ahead with it or indeed cancel/postone it.

I don't believe anybody has said it's "ok". Many have said that they might consider it differently to a prolonged and emotional affair.

It's the way I have read it. I'd not be able to forgive H for a drunken fumble/snog as much as I'd not forgive him for an emotional involvement with someone else. Quite simply he would have cheated on me no matter which of the above he did and I could never forgive him. A few posts have suggested that if the cheating was a drunken one off incident, it's more likely that they would forgive their OH.

KBS ?

I can't believe what an @rse your OH is being, its only been a couple of weeks and it sounds like he is expecting you to be over it already. I don't think his lack of sensitivity is helping him at all. Your very brave x

But that doesn't mean that anyone thinks its ok. There's a big difference between saying you are 'ok' with something and saying that you think you could rebuild trust with your partner in certain situations, if that makes sense.

Everyone has different limits in their relationships. I suppose that part of the reason I think I would be mor excepting of a drunken snog is because I once had a drunken snog with someone else while I was in a previous relationship. Basically I was really drunk at a party (my boyfriend at the time was actually at the party too) and had just had a huge argument with my boyfriend. I was in tears and a male friend was trying to cheer me up, suddenly I realised he was kissing me (I say 'suddenly' because I was so drunk I had no idea what wa going on). I pulled away but then he was kissing me again, I pushed him off me, told my boyfriend what had happened and that was pretty much the end of our relationship. In a way it wasn't my fault because I didn't make a decision to kiss him and because he took advantage of me being drunk and upset; but in a way it is my fault because it was my choice to get that drunk. If H was in a similar situation then I don't think I would end an otherwise happy marriage and throw away everything we have - but I would expect him to be honest about what happened and to learn from it.

KBS - you are a stronger woman that I for not wanting to do something which would get me imprisioned. But you know, if it's right for you, then you go with it! ?

Doesn't sound very remorseful does he?

I really feel for you, with what you are going through, I can't imagine how awful it is.

Under the circumstances can you not cancel the wedding? Surely that just adds to the whole pressure of it all and it is quite easy to get lost in the excitement of wedding planning without taking a step back and thinking about the consequences of committing your life to a person who has done this to you with only 10 months to go?

Also from what you said above, in the circumstances he should be prepared to do whatever it takes to support you and give you as much time as you need to get over it, he is in no position to be dictating terms.

nail.on.head

KBS - I think that by continuing with the wedding planning you might be just burying your head in the sand and also putting pressure on yourself to "get over it" as time is ticking and it's only 9 months away... I want to scream at you that you do not have to put up with this cr@p and you deserve so much more.

I agree with this.

Agreed, to a certain point. I have told him this morning that I will take my sweet time in getting over this as he took his sweet time in ending the affair... and if he can't/wont wait then he needs to do what is right for him at that time and if he cant wait then it was never meant to be... yeah some people may think I'm a mug/fool or whatever other expletives they choose to use about my decision in trying to make this work, however, I'm not blinkered and will do whatever I NEED to do to make me an emotionally healthy, happy person and if thats staying and working it out then great however if its walking away then thats ok too

KBS I really feel for you but as RB said he really doesn't sound remorseful.

In answer to the question I couldn't forgive my OH if he cheated on me. Yes I adore him and would be devastated but it would ultimately mean he wasn't the man I fell in love with. I've been cheated on before, my ex partner (I was with him for 7 years) cheated on me at least 4 times. The 1st time I found out I tried to forgive him in the hope we could move on (all the usual promises and tears from him). He went on to do it again and again.

When I eventually decided it was over I asked him calmly why if he loved me, did he continue to do it. His answer was "because you stayed after the first time". This actually made perfect sense and I became really angry at myself for a long time because I had thought so little of myself.

I would never cheat so why the hell should I allow someone to continue being with me if they do?

FWIW KBS I dont think you're a mug; I just think you are very hurt and confused.

KBS, do you not think postponing the wedding for now and seeing how your relationship goes would be a better idea?

Thank you honey... and yes, to a certain degree I am confused and am most definately hurt..

That's why I would have to leave him. I owe it to my children to live in a happy environment at home, not a warzone. I stayed with my ex longer than I should have for the sake of the children and it did affect my son. I couldn't do that to him again, or to my other child.

If they were older, who knows - but while they are minors, I have to put them first.

Hiya KBS, have you considered seeing a counsellor on your own to help you deal with the hurt? Rather than just focussing on the couples stuff, maybe you could take some time to discuss just your stuff with someone.

FWIW I don't think anyone could just 'get over it' like that, it sounds like you are very strong. ? hug

Just a little note to the few little girlies that seem to think I started this thread, I quite clearly didn't.

Trickers, Mooey quite obviously started this thread if you take a look.

Kat, not everything revolves around you.

Sherrie, I'd prefer not to be referred to as an 'it' - Expected better from someone that is supposed to be unbiased/neutral as a moderator.

Hahaha! I haven't said anywhere that you started this thread. Whoever's been telling tales needs to get all the facts. I think I can guess whose been sh1t stirring...

No-one needs to tell tales when it's in public view, I saw what you said.

Then you would have seen that I didn't say that you started the thread.

I might be wrong but I don't think there was a particular thread mentioned. May I suggest you keep things like this private rather than attacking people on a public forum? It's not really fair.

Why mention me at all?

You always moan about being dragged into situations that are nothing to do with you.