Avril
Beginner April 2022 West Yorkshire

You're not a bridesmaid

Avril, 11 October 2021 at 23:23 Posted on Planning 0 5
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I need a little help. I'm 38 and newly engaged. We want a small bridal party. I've always said I'll only have my sister (48 y/o) and her daughter, my niece (15 y/o) as maid of honour and bridesmaid, respectively. My fiancé has a 5 y/o niece who he'd like me to have as flower girl.

My fiancé is having two best men and no ushers, except for my 11 y/o nephew.
I have a lot of good close friends. Lots of girls I'll call my best friend, but no real single best best friend. Whomever I don't ask would be disappointed if asked other friends. So my plan has always been to not ask friends.
Only, I messed up. About a year ago, 8 months before getting engaged, I had a text conversation with a friend. A close friend. She said she'd dreamt of me getting married to my fiance and that she was there doing a reading. I had replied "as my bridesmaid". I regretted it immediately. And now I feel beholden to it. If I go ahead and ask her, I'll have to ask about 7 other girls and I just don't want hoardes of bridesmaids. I don't even want anyone doing readings.I know she is waiting to be asked as the other day she read this conversation out to me, from her phone, as I sat in front of her. She'd said you have to let me do a reading. You promised. I said, did I? And she said yes. Then read the convo, stopping before I had said "as a bridesmaid". But we both know what was said. When she asks for updates on the wedding, I just say we haven't sorted anything yet. Still deciding on venue. Which isn't true as we have decided on our wedding party. I just don't know how to tell her she's not bridesmaid. I don't see her often - maybe once a month - so is texting about this ok? I'm currently burying my head in the sand. Advice please x thank you x

5 replies

Latest activity by Charlotte, 15 October 2021 at 14:28
  • Charlotte
    Expert April 2022 Wiltshire
    Charlotte Online ·
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    You absolutely do not have to have anyone in your party, this was an off the cuff convo about a dream. You just need to be honest, say you didn't think it was a serious convo and actually now you are engaged and making the decision for real you and your fiancé have decided you want a small party and no readings. You don't want to upset her but an sure she can appreciate that talking about a hypothetical is not real and now you are planning it your opinion on what you want is different and hopes she can understand that. it may be awkward but don't feel you have to do something to please others, it is your day and if she is a real friend she may be hurt, but will understand your decision and support that, Get it done sooner as it wont drag on and her upset will be less. Good Luck

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  • M
    Expert July 2023 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    I think you just need to say how you feel and explain to heer what you both want this wayvshe has loads of time to calm down good luck with it all x💗
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  • Jane
    Curious June 2022 Bristol
    Jane ·
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    I’d echo what Charlotte and Michelle said - you need to be honest and tell her how you feel. Personally, I’d maybe emphasise that you want a small wedding and are keeping the wedding party to family only. Is there any scope to have her in some other role - maybe she could be your witness or help with the hen or something?
    I think, if you don’t see her often then you can tell her by text - at least that way you get to write it out and see how it reads first!
    Overall - remember that it’s your wedding and you are under no obligation to anyone else - no matter what has been said in the past! Good luck x
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  • R
    Expert July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Just be honest. A text might be the easiest way to tell her, since she can then process any disappointment before speaking to you again. I suspect she already knows she is not a bridesmaid (because you would have asked her if she was) and is just hoping that frequent hinting will get you to change your mind. Over the years, a good 10 or so of my friends have made one of those 'you'll have to be a bridesmaid' comments, but never actually asked me to be one - it's easy to get carried away in a casual conversation and say something like that, but when it comes down to budgeting and actually making decisions, it's a different matter. I don't know anyone who would expect a bridesmaid invitation based on a lighthearted conversation in the past.

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  • S
    Curious October 1980

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