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Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire

Mother of the groom

Chan1994, 31 October, 2021 at 22:21 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 33
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I would like some advice or just to hear people's thoughts on this.

So, my fiancés mother keeps asking us every single week what news we have about the wedding and if anything has been getting done. When we say to her there is nothing new (and there literally isn't!) She seems to just not believe us and makes out like we are keeping stuff from her. The only recent thing we have sorted out is ordering my ring and she has been told that but still seems to insist that every week there is something to do but there isn't. I get that she is interested, but the mood she seems to be in when there isn't an update is just getting a bit too much. His parents are now demanding a video chat during the week to talk about the wedding as they are claiming they 'don't know anything about it at all'?? I am honestly baffled...they know about our transport, they know about our cake and the flavours of each tier, they know about the photographer. We have told them that the flowers are getting ordered and what colours they are. They know where we are getting married and have seen the place. They know about our second party the next day and where it is. They even know what our first dance song is We!! We have told them all we can but it is apparently not enough? The only things I haven't told them is what my dress looks like (understandable surely?!), what the bridesmaid dresses look like and what favours we are thinking of getting. We have even said to them about them choosing hymns and readings for the ceremony. I really am just at a loss for what more they feel they need to know??
They mention about not knowing the theme but we literally don't have one at all and then about a colour theme which again we don't have, I have some colours in my flowers but we aren't having any flower decorations so we don't have a colour theme. The thing that is annoying me is that they come accross so passive aggressive about it all and it's really starting to annoy me. With respect, I talk about things with my own mother who I see all the time, and his parents live 3.5 hours away from us, and apart from ask about the wedding, they don't contact us ever or talk to us really. Am I an a*******e for wanting to keep a very few things to ourselves and for wanting to discuss things with my own mother and not his? They are just being so rude about it and only want to know stuff to 'tell his cousins all about the stuff'...but everyone will know everything then, and then how will anything be a surprise for guests?
Their behaviour and attitude is stressing me out so much that it is stopping me having fun wedding planning 😞

33 replies

Latest activity by Michelle, 18 November, 2021 at 09:43
  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Please dont let it stress you out just ignore the attitude of others and think of your selves if there is nothing you can tell them thats new then you cant do much more about it dont let this ruin your planning x💗
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  • Charlotte
    VIP April 2022 Wiltshire
    Charlotte ·
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    This!! In Laws/Parents demands are the bain of my life and only source of wedding stress! I am so sorry you are feeling this way, it really is not on for parents to demand to know things and make you feel this way. I had a similar thing with my Mum and I had to put my foot down and tell her that we will let her know what we want to share as some things we want to keep as a surprise. I think your partner needs to have a frank conversation with them to say that you will not be having a weekly call, and when you want to share things you will but can they respect that it is your day and you want to do things your way and that their requests are actually causing you to be upset, which you should not feel like when planning the biggest day of your life. Also explain that once you have booked all the initial bits like venue, caterer etc there are months in between where nothing changes, so that is why there is no update. At the end of the day all they have to know is when and where the wedding is. I hope you can manage to get it sorted, try not to stress and just ignore it, good luck

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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    Thank you so much for replying! I am so glad other people can understand and see my point of view! This is exactly the problem we have as we were meant to get married in September but we pushed it back to May next year, so as we already had most things booked in it has just been a case of waiting to do other stuff which doesn't need sorting yet, hence the lack of updates! I am going to ask him to talk to them (though it is mostly his mother) and try to get them to understand that the only things being kept from them is what my dress looks like and what favours we are having as they should be surprises on the day for everyone!
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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    Thank you for replying! I am trying not to get annoyed by it haha! I'm just going to have to ignore them when it comes to wedding talk I think and hope they accept that there really is nothing new! X
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Your welcome here to talk anytime x You will let them know when you have something to say im doing a runner on my wedding nobody knows my plans or when its happening. Remember think about yourselves not them x💗
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  • S
    Beginner June 2023 Devon
    Sonia ·
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    Ghost them 😆. Only half joking.


    This would drive me mad. I've noticed my future MIL can be a bit pushy and would be a lot more if I let her. She means well but my fiancée did warn me so I backed off communicating quite so much which seems to have worked. I also get annoyed when they come to me because fiancée doesn't respond to a message quickly enough. I hate being a go between so stopped engaging.
    I'd stop sharing anymore details and just change the subject with an airy but abrupt 'still the same' when they ask. I certainly would refuse to commit to weekly calls. My future MIL wanted to start video calling us all over lockdown, which I hate, so I just didn't engage then said it wasn't something I like doing and I don't do it. She did stop asking luckily.
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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    Oh honestly it really is driving me insane! Yes I find they get arsey on the phone to him and say it's me not saying stuff but it's him that messages them, not me! We have said countless times that there is no colour theme but it's just like she doesn't believe us and keeps asking if we have decided on one...no we aren't having one!! Yesterday they even brought up how his mother was so involved in his brothers wedding but 'knows nothing about ours'?? The thing is, my fiancées sister in law doesn't have anything to do with her mother and so she latched on to the MIL even calling her a mum, so naturally they did lots together for the wedding. I think she thinks I should do the same with her, but I have my own mother to do things with? I'm not sure if that sounds awful but I'm certain they are saying things to try and make me feel guilty!
    We had the same with video calls during lock down and we had to tell them that they aren't really my thing so I only join in on the occasional one for a bit! Here's to hoping she stops pestering us!
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  • L
    Beginner December 2021
    Lozza1978 ·
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    Hi, it’s a tricky one, I’m having the complete opposite at the minute with no help or interest from mine or my mother in law to be, which is upsetting me a bit so I guess we can’t win. We want them interested but not overly.
    But as everyone says it’s your day so try enjoy it and include them in what you want/need to ,., good luck, when is your big day? X
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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    Thanks for replying!
    Yes it is definitely tricky, it's like trying to find the middle ground of being interested but not demanding to know everything! Thank you, I'll definitely tell them what I want them to know and stick to keeping things as a surprise too! We get married on 27th May! X
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  • L
    Beginner December 2021
    Lozza1978 ·
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    Wow, like you said previously apart from the initial bookings there’s not too much to tell people until nearer the date and a lot of that stuff should be between you and your partner, in my opinion!
    I get married at the beginning of December, and just putting together gifts, order of the day and table plans at present, along with sorting the clothing out. My fiancé still hasn’t gone shopping, it’s definitely causing me unnecessary stress ! 😂
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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    Yeah exactly! There has just been a natural gap of nothing really being done! So therefore there are no updates! The things that gets to me the most is that she is making us out to be liars saying there is no updates and I find that really unfair and mean!
    Ooh not too long for you then! These are the exciting bits! Oh god font even get me started on that, my fiancé has been saying he is sorting suits out for 2 months now and done nothing! Drives me insane!! X
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  • A
    Beginner June 2022 Greater Manchester
    Anji ·
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    100% agree with everyone else it's your day, and the most important one of your life!

    Personally, I think she can sense you wanted to keep a few things for yourself and share with your mother, which is fair enough, but it might be getting her goat. MIL doesn't need to know.

    I'm literally ONLY telling mum and bridesmaid the finer details - especially as I'm organising all the creative part of it myself, OH doesn't understand colours and lanterns anyway! lol

    We've told nothing to no-one else except the wedding month, it's a week after yours. :-

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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    Yes it most definitely is! Yeah I think shenis annoyed that I naturally want my mum to know stuff and do things with her but that is completely normal! It should definitely only be a select few people who you tell things to!
    X
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  • Yorkshirelass
    Super July 2022 Surrey
    Yorkshirelass ·
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    Total opposite for me. My future mother in law is 87 so only uses a land line phone, doesn’t even call my fiancé from week to week then I badger him to call and he eventually does a week later and she’s had a fall or something and no one has bothered to tell him- he has three siblings who mostly live nearer than us ! I’ve not even met his sister and we’ve been together 6 years and none of his siblings messaged him earlier this week when it was his big 50th birthday. I feel like not inviting them as my folks are paying for it. Useless!
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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    Oh my gosh that's so hard to deal with! I totally understand your feelings though, if people do not make an effort then I don't think they should be invited! My fiancé's oldest brother is the same, never speaks to us or messages and when my fiancé messages him he literally never ever replies at all. If I could get away with him not being invited, believe me I would!
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  • D
    Savvy January 2023 Lancashire
    Daniella ·
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    Wow! As if wedding planning isn’t stressful enough too! What does your fiancé think of it? I’d be asking mine to talk to his mother in that situation.
    You’re absolutely right to want to keep things to yourself, her wanting to blab all your details to his family is just bizarre too! She knows it’s not her wedding right? Lol.
    I always find that the mans mother (in both wedding and baby situations) seem to overstep, I’m not sure if it’s because they feel the bride/mother and her family get all the attention and they get jealous over it or what but its always infuriating to see. I’m quite lucky that my in laws to be don’t even get in touch with us and they’ll just complain from afar about being “left out” haha. X
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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    I know right?! He agrees that constantly asking is getting too much and that wanting to know literally everything is quite weird really, as we both said, if they know everything then they won't have any surprises for the wedding! Yeah exactly, I think she is desperate to know everything because then she can tell his family and they can basically have a nice bitch about how 'its not what they would have done'..she is very obsessed with his older brother and wife and even said to us that our wedding 'can't be like theirs' and that it 'should be better than x's (his cousin) but not as good as his brothers'??? Like what the hell?? Who says that?? It is beyond bizarre but also to think my fiancé and I would even care what others think of our wedding kind of shows how much she doesn't seem to really know us!


    Yes I 100% agree its always the mens side where family members, particularly women cause all the stress and chaos and just want to kick up a fuss about everything!! X
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  • D
    Savvy January 2023 Lancashire
    Daniella ·
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    Hahaha that is actually insane! So she’s not even asking out of a decent place, it’s to compare to others weddings and to pass judgment! Shocking.
    Don’t you wish you could just not invite her at all!
    I’ve definitely been feeling a weird sense of pressure while wedding planning, caught myself worrying about offending people.. before reminding myself that only myself and my fiancé have to be happy with our plans. It’s funny, I’ve been offended that my partners family haven’t asked a singleeee thing about our wedding, I should be thankful really shouldn’t it lol. Have you or your partner spoken to his mother about her behaviour? X
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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    Isn't it just?! Every wedding she has been to she just compares to his brothers and always says it wasn't as good! And yes honestly if I could get away with it I wouldn't have her there. Unfortunately it would cause far too much trouble I believe! I think I felt like that to start with and now I'm honestly just over it!
    Haha well yes if they were acting like my fiancé's then you've had a lucky escape!
    Well there hasn't been a proper discussion but I think it is heading that way, she certainly needs a good talking to I think. I think my fiancé worries about what he says to her as she is known to be moody and then not speak to people for weeks, which I understand he doesn't want; but this behaviour also can't go on x
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  • D
    Savvy January 2023 Lancashire
    Daniella ·
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    Going to hazard a guess that his brother is the favourite?. Haha. That’s completely understandable that he doesn’t want to, no one wants to be in that position but unfortunately he is and has to really. I’d say sooner the better, if you leave it too close to the wedding there’s more chance of her being difficult on the day and causing more problems. If you’s can get it out the way now and she has time to get over herself it should be less of an issue on the day. It’s ridiculous that yous even have this to deal with! Haha yeah my fiancé’s mother is similar but acts the opposite, I haven’t even met her! Lol My partner hasn’t wanted me to, he isn’t close with her either which is on her but she acts like a victim and like she’s the best mother to him. On our engagement post she put how she hopes she’s invited to the wedding, just no need to be dramatic and definitely not publicly to give people the wrong idea like it’s poor old her and my Fiancé is nasty to her etc lol. Don’t know why I was surprised by it, on our one year anniversary my partner put a post about how he feels the most loved he’s ever felt etc and she put on how he’s always had a woman who loved him and it’s her.. hahaha have to just laugh, I am nervous for my wedding day though must admit. I’m just counting myself lucky I don’t actually have to deal with her all that much. X
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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    Oh yes most definitely the favourite and she doesn't even hide it! Yeah I agree, it needs to be done sooner rather than later to avoid awkwardness on the wedding day! I think he will speak to his parents over the weekend and have a word about it all.
    Oh gosh, I'm sorry that you have to deal with things like that. It's always the snide comments on things isn't it?! There is just no need! She sounds like a very jealous person who doesn't want another women in her sons life! Yes it's a blessing you don't have to deal with her! Aww try not to be nervous, just remember that even if she says anything, it will be her that comes accross badly and the best and most simple thing to do will be to ignore her, she probably loves to get a response out of people! X
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  • D
    Savvy January 2023 Lancashire
    Daniella ·
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    Sounds like my dads mum, she’s like that with my uncle! Haha. Yes absolutely, the sooner he gets it out the way the better it’ll be for you both! Fingers crossed it goes well. Yes absolutely, spot on there but she’s not even bothered about being in his life, absolutely no effort whatsoever from her, yet still gets offended/jealous over me in it?! Haha bizarre.
    Yes they’re the worst, I respect people who can come out and say what they’re really thinking but I can’t be doing with the sly comments that they try to disguise as innocent. Yes Thank you you’re absolutely right and I’ll have to just avoid her if there’s any tension or bad vibes from her, it’s easy to do so discreetly in a room of 100 people thankfully. Apart from the in law situation.. how are you feeling about your wedding day? It’s all so exciting isn’t it! X
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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    I feel there are a lot more women like this out there than we had imagined!! Haha wish us luck 🤣
    Yes that's just so bizarre! You really can't be offended by things in a person's life while you don't actually bother with!
    Yes exactly! You can always have someone on hand to grab you away as well if she is acting up! I'm very excited! Been ordering invitations this week and just ordered the bridesmaid dresses which is two of the bigger things we had to sort out..just can't wait to see the invitations in person! How are you feeling about yours? X
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  • D
    Savvy January 2023 Lancashire
    Daniella ·
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    Precisely!! I don’t even think she wants to be involved cause then she can’t complain that she’s not haha. Was funny, last night I put Netflix on and saw Monster-In-Law had been added! Made me chuckle. Oh that’s so exciting, I can’t wait to have all dresses sorted haha. Yeah I’m so excited, just want time to hurry up a little too.. Then again I don’t, there’s enough to do in the time as is. Can’t wait for it though. X
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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    Haha that's brilliant, perhaps I should recommend she watches it 🤣 I get like that and then think nope I need all the time to prepare for it haha! It's just such an exciting time! X
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  • D
    Savvy January 2023 Lancashire
    Daniella ·
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    Invite her for a film night and to discuss all your wedding plans she wants to share with every Tom dick and Harry .. then put this on, maybe she’ll get the hint 😂. Yeah it really is, I have to keep telling myself that I’ll miss the excitement of planning and waiting once it’s done, I need to enjoy this stage and stop wishing it away! X
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  • C
    Beginner September 2022 Kent
    Charlotte ·
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    Oh no that sounds seriously intense !! And I know what you mean about it wanting to give everything away before thr wedding especially if she’s blabbing to everyone

    I’ve got the opposite problem where our invite list caused major drama with the Future MIL and now she doesn’t mention anything at all to me about the wedding 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ She just bitches constantly to my fiancé about the choices we have made instead lol !

    Could you find a very minor job for her to do so she can crack on with that and leave you alone ?


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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    What a brilliant idea 🤣🤣 yeah exactly when it's all over I'm sure we'll feel lost and not know what to do without having planning on the go! X
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  • C
    Curious May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Chan1994 ·
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    Yes its so so annoying! This is what annoys me if it was just for her I wouldn't even mind but my fiancé's entire side of the family would actually know everything!
    Oh god no! Haven't even spoken to her about a guest list but I do know she is annoyed that one of her friends isn't on it! I would honestly swap my situation for yours where she doesn't mention it at all!

    Well we have spoken about this and thought maybe she could make some name place cards. She used to be really into arts and crafts and even made one of their bedrooms a craft room but she hasn't touched anything in there for over a year and seems to have no interest anymore. We thought if we asked if she fancied doing those she might gain an interest again and she would be kept occupied! Xx
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  • D
    Savvy January 2023 Lancashire
    Daniella ·
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    Haha yes im sure we will be! X
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  • Karan
    Beginner May 2023 West Yorkshire
    Karan ·
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    Something my aunties suggested to me for help with this type of thing with my own mother, was to give her something to do and feel special about, whether that is the hen party/ a family hen party such as a meal or if you are into bridal shower then that. It gives them something to focus on and feel involved, tell them you want it to be a complete surprise so it doesn't add to your own stress.

    It sounds like the distance isn't helping but realistically she needs to be put in her place by your fiancé and told to chill out. Easier said than done, I know believe me. If you don't set these boundaries now then if you come to have kids it might only get worse.

    Good luck!

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  • S
    Curious April 2024 West Midlands
    Sarah ·
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    I am having the complete opposite. My future mother in law doesn't seem to care and has shown no interest at all. To the point I am feeling like eloping as I have no parents. Just me my other half and our shared kids

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