Mother of the Groom says she is "disappointed" in me 2wks from the big day.

So reading this back I didn't explain the winter situation well. A little background: The MoG has always wanted her own way when it came to our wedding. From the beginning she made ot clear that we should do as she says or face the consequences. She is also the sort of person who starts arguments whenever someone has a different opinion to her, no matter what it is, and if you continue to not agree with her she doesn't speak to you unless you apologise.
She's also the sort of person who treats her two sons very differently. The older, we can call him D can never do anything wrong whereas my H2B has to grovel for approval and some semblance of affection. She has never really liked me or tried to get to know me and I am.not the sort of person who will put on airs when I first meet people. I will always be true to myself. She doesn't like this as she is of the mind that I should respect her at all times. Even when I've been pleasant and tried to be open qith them about certain private things (thinking they'd understand or appreciate the fact I am trying to meet them halfway) they just go "okay". Needless to say both of his parents have been difficult to please since day one.
When we got engaged, nothing changed. Then when we set the date she tried to take control. From the flowers, to hairstyles, what's expected of me as a bride, what I should do etc. Its exhausting. For 2yrs planning (due to Covid) she's always been there taking any pleasure or enjoyment out of it with her constant expectations. One.of the things she said was "well the wedding is all about he bride so really you should do everything." She has never been one to alleviate pressure, only to apply it. Back to the issue at hand - we sent out our invites and rsvps at the beginning of March with pre-paid envelopes so our guests would have no trouble or excuses for not replying ASAP. One decline we recoeved was from my H2Bs cousin. She said there was absolutely no way they could attend due to circumstances with her husband and they were really sorry they couldn't attend. However, she also mentioned there was a possibility of attending the evening celebration instead if that was okay. My H2B called her and said we understand and he was really pleased she could still come for the night time. Everything was sorted with her. No issues. This was at the end of March as we had yo chase outstanding rsvps. A month later the cousin calls us and tells us that her circumstances have changed.

The cousin (who is close with my H2B, but who I've never met or even seen) says she knows itnis a big ask but would there be anyway she and her husband could attend the afternoon ceremony. We are now under 2wks before the big day. Everything is planned and paid for based on the numbers we finalised. If we let then attend I have to call us several vendors and the venue to advise them of the change, we would have to pay for another table, more decorations, more food, reorganise the seating plan, change the signs... I could go on. So we said no. It was too late in the day to change our arrangements. She said it was fine and she knew it probably wouldn't be likely. She also was not offended and was happy she could still come to the party on the night.
Eveythjng was sorted. Or so I thought.
Somehow the MoG found our about this and called my H2B. She was absolutely livid with me. Me. She said I had "No respect for her family and that she always had to find a way to make things difficult". She also said that when I told her all the food was ordered she said "I told Kate that she should reconsider because some people might change their minds and want to come. You should really think of then." I got really p.off at this point. She did not say that at all. I am not disrespecting her family by saying no. I am saying I am not reorganising my wedding for 2 people who were adamant they couldn't come and had made other arrangements.
MoG then said "this isn't some random person, it's MY neice! I want her there." My H2B replied, "she's my cousin and the answer is no."MoG then said "I an very disappointed in Kate, she should know better."
She's disappointed in me? For what? If situation was reversed and it was my cousin who couldn't attend then changed their mind she would go spare!! But that's the difference- the difference between what her family is okay to do and what mine is okay to do.
MoG then said "don't speak to me unless you are going to apologise" and hung up on us. In the past if others have hung up on her she has gone absolutely mad. But because she's not getting her own way, it's fine for her to do.
I don't know what to do. I barely slept last night thinking about it all. At weekend she's supposed to be joking me for a meal and a spa treatment. I don't want her there. What should I do?? Please help. X

What a bitch cant believe she is still being funny with you you have done nothing wrong on this one you'll have sent out inbites in time you got your rsvps for people which gave you time to to seating what more can you do his cousin is okay with this what is this womans problem i know this is gong to be fmil but she needs to sort her head out who is getting married xx💗

View quoted message That's exactly what I said. I went absolutely nuts. I am so angry and hurt, I don't know what her problem is. The cousin was fine. My H2B was fine. I don't honestly know why she is the way she is! What else can I do? I've tried everything tp get her to like me and right now I don't know why I bothered. All that time and energy when clearly she doesn't give a flying f#@* about trying to bond with me. Its our day. Why can't she just be happy for us? Even my future father in law was being a dick. He said "well I have my own opinions on the subject, why do you always-" at which point my H2B stopped him from completing the sentence.
She's supposed to come out with me and my hen party for a meal and drinks on 30th. I know it's over a week away but I will be dreading every second of it. She will not back down and I don't see why we should either. I don't know what to do. Xx

View quoted message Be true to yourself its your wedding not hers just stick to your guns and do what you want x💗

What a nasty piece of work she is! Hope she doesnt live nearby!!

She sounds the same as my future MIL - absolutely awful. I know exactly what it's like to be in this position and you have done nothing wrong x

View quoted message She lives 5 doors away 😔

View quoted message Thank yiu so much for your reply. She makes everything qe do together an issue or picks fault. Everything. From cars, furniture, clothes, holiday destinations and even kids names!! It's exhausting. Xx

View quoted message I have had similar issues so I know exactly how you feel. My future MIL tried to tell us that certain people (very distant relatives) in her family had to be invited. These are family members that my fiancé has not seen in years and I have never even met them. She probably just wanted them there to show off because we're getting married at a really nice venue. I just said no and explained that just because someone is related to one of us does not mean they're invited. One difference between your future MIL and mine is that mine says things behind my back they end up getting back to me but yours sounds like she's not bothered about looking or sounding mean to you. It's crap either way x

She sounds absolutely awful and I'm sorry to hear what you have gone through. As long as H2B is on the same page as you, then you both hold your heads up high and rise above this. It's a shame you cannot pick family members!

Is there a way that you can surround yourself with other people when you go out with her for your hen? I know that you cannot avoid her completely, but if you have members of the hen party who know to stick with you, then if MOG does say anything, it'll be in front of others and unsure if she would then mind what she would say.

View quoted message The weird thing is she didn't say it to me. She said it to my other half. She didn't know I was there. My fiance actually said to her "you tell Kate that you're disappointed, after all she's done, after everything she's organised, paid for, thought of and put the time and effort in... YOU tell her." She didn't. She put the phone down. X

I know! I was finally starting to feel a little excited, a little less stressed them this happens.
She can't help herself. She actually did did us "if my great uncle can't come I'm not coming". Neither me or my partner had even met them! In the end they said no anyway.
The thing is these are the final numbers. Unless someone drops out on the day, which is too late anyway.

View quoted message He is on the same page, which is a relief cause he is always the first one to cave where she's involved.
Oh yeah, I've got my friends there, my mam is also there, my auntie. She won't say anything I don't think. Well saying that she might, she isn't shy about making her opinions known.

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Ohhhhh!! Not good, sorry to hear that!!

View quoted message I will try to, she's just such a bully. She tries to do the big "I am" all of thr time and its just tiring. I'm fed up of it.

View quoted message I tptally get you here to talk anytime x💗

First off, kudos to your HTB fornstanding up to her and having your back! I have had extremely similar behaviour with my mum and I got the stage where I said there is a simple answer to this, you seen to hate on everything we are doing so let's give them your place and you don't come! That caused a huge shouting match to which I just stood there and let her rant and then said are you done? What's your decision, they have your place or you accept it, stop running your mouth and be nice. She walked out and didn't speak to me for a week but has now been ok and whilst she has not apologised or mentioned it she seems to have got the message. I have made it clear I will not stand for any bitchy comments on the day ornher jusgy remarks, if she starts she is out!


Best thing to do is not acknowledge her and just get on with what you have planned, she is a narcisis and thrives on the communication even if negative, so cut it, it will kill her inside but you will be the dignified party. Regards your hen, again don't acknowledge it, if she turns up say hi and thanks for coming but remove yourself and sit further away Tee up your BMs to keep an eye on her and if she starts get them to have a word or aak her to leave. If she doesn't you get your girls and you all leave and leave her on her own. I know easier said than done, but she has to be stopped or this will only escalate throughout your married life. Lastly, speak to your H2B and say you need to move, you live way to close! Good luck chicken, keep your truth and you do you xx

View quoted message Hi lovely thanks for the advice. I think you're right - just keep my chin up and carry on. There has been a further development today however which.... makes not acknowledging her harder. I'll explain in another comment. As for the house I know and I've mentioned his to.my H2B and it's definitely something we will look into!Xx

View quoted message Oh d ar, I fear there is an escalation! Keep your head held high, you are worth so much more than that xx

Okay, so another development. On my way home from work my H2B called me (hands free, I'm a safe driver) and said he was going around to his parents house to talk to them. Apparently ealier in the day his dad called and said "just for the record, I didn't hang up on you. Your mother did". He also said "Kate isn't a disappointment". Remember this comment. It becomes incredibly relevant! Anyway, H2B went and 20mins later he calls me and he was incredibly upset. He was actually crying. She had made him cry.


If there is one thing I cannot stand in this world is a liar. The other is a bully. It turns out his mother is both.
She flat out denied saying that I was a "disappointment". She denied saying I "should know better". She said that my H2B had made it up. She said he was a liar. She said that my H2Bs brother was talking about us behind his back and that he agreed with them. She implied that I 'misunderstood' what she had said and that she needed to explain, as if she could be any more patronising. I heard what I heard. I know what I heard. I heard the words and the tone of voice. My H2B said that "Kate is really upset and will not come around until you apologise for what you said." His mother dismissed this completely and said that we had blown it out of proportion.
Since then she has called me 5 times, messaged me 3 times, called my mam. I haven't read her messages but the tone of them is very much "You don't understand" and "I would never say that". I don't know why she's trying to contact me. My H2B said that I didn't want to speak to her cause of how I was feeling. I feel she isn't listening to that because she's suddenly realised we won't back down. My H2B even messaged her and said we qill transfer the money back to them (what they contributed). Which is fine we can afford it. She also mentioned this in one of the messages. But I'm not replying tonight. If I reply she will not stop and I need a breather.
When my H2B rang me and told me what had happened I felt awful. I felt like o was tearing a family apart. Xx

View quoted message Thank you, there is sadly. Please read my comment explaining xx

View quoted message This is NOT on you! Typical narcasistic behaviour, denying and deflecting to keep the drama and victim mentality going. This women is unreal, you have nothing to apologise for or take the blame for ripping a family apart, that is all on her.


For now just ignore, or politely reply to say thanks for the message but you are not emotionally in position to respond to her right now and can she respect that and you will reply when you are ready to as your focus right now is comforting her son who is upset. She will try to respond and get you to talk but do not engage for a few days atleast.
I wish I was closer as I would be straight round there and would have your back, I do not do bullying regardless of age, it is not acceptable and this is making me so angry on your behalf.
If you need to chat PM me lovely, but for now have a wine/gin/fizz, shut everything out and just spend time together and do us on you xx

Just read this i cant believe she put it all on you why do people always after ruin stuff when all you want is to be happy. im sorry she has done this to her own son xx The good thing is you have Paul on your side xx Virtual hug from me xx💗

View quoted message Hi lovely, thank you so much. Your comment means the world to me. I have just replied to her saying: "Hi, I'm not ignoring you however we are incredibly upset and i am not in the right frame of mind to discuss this with you. I will contact you after the weekend. Hope you understand". It feels way too nice reading it back but I felt like I had to acknowledge her in some way. She has also now left me a voicemail and has sent me another message. I'm not reading or listening to them.

She makes me so angry and you are absolutely right. It's almost as of she's trying to take control or trying to assuage her guilt or something. She's completely deflecting. Her first sentence in the last message was "we weren't told the reasons why you couldn't let them come to the wedding". Implying it's our fault this happened. Unbelievable. I will definitely message you, thank you so much for your support. My H2B has gone to work now (he works night shifts) and he just looked so sad when he left the house. My heart broke for him.

Speaking of gin/fizz we are actually going to the races at weekend so hopefully there will be plenty of bubbly to enjoy. Xx

View quoted message Thank you 💗 xx virtual hugs needed xx
She actually just messaged me saying "we're upset too, the things Paul said were out of order. He took everything out of context". How the eff do you take "Kate is a disappointment" in the wrong context?! I don't give a crap right now. The only things that matter to me are me and my fiance and we are not in a good place. We are emotionally exhausted and I can't deal with her anymore. Xx

View quoted message Well done, that response is perfectly polite and reasonable, she can't help herself and will no doubt contact you again but stay strong.


Her saying they don't know the reason is ridiculous as it is none of her business to know, is your decision and she needs to accept that.
Am so glad you have a lovely day planned for the weeldn, go out and have fun and forget about all the drama, concentrate on the two of you. Message me next week if you want help wording your reply, stick to messages rather than calls as it is then factual and easier to control what you say.
Have a good sleep, tomorrow is another day xx

View quoted message I will, and she already has but I'm not going there. Its been a very long and tiring day ans honestly I'm shattered. 😴 I'm going to try and get a good sleep knowing that a lovely weekend is on the way. I hope I can forget about everything for a few hours.


I know, I thought that! I actually said put loud 'the reason why we said no has nothing to do with them, why do they always have to know every single detail?' Then I remembered who I was dealing with. Bur why are they so controlling? What has it got to do with them?
I do think texting and messaging is easier. Rhere is an actual record of what is said, although the tone is missing and irs easier to misread a text, but according to them you can misunderstand "Kate's a disappointment" too. Xx

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Agree with you on the misunderstanding, sadly on her part that is not the case, it is selective memory and lies! I hope you had a good sleep and feeling a bit better this morning. Hope you have a fabulous weekend XX

View quoted message Hi hun sorry been in hospital last night only got out few hours ago You amd paul need to stay strong for each other away from her xx💗

Thank you so much for the support!


When I do speak to her I will remind her that she has no right to demand or ask why. It's our decision, that should be enough. Xxx

View quoted message Yeah I did actually I think I was so tired and upset I was out like a light. I think my body got to the "nope" stage of coping and decided to black out. It was nice. My eyes are stinging today though, I feel like I've cried a lot even though I didn't. Does that make sense?


Thank you, hopefully it'll be a good one. I gone you have a lovely one too. Xx