Really upset!

I haven't got anything to say that hasn't already said. I would also be really upset if one of my bridesmaids did that to me, particularly for something like this!

Did you manage to call her and sort out what's what?

Did u call her? Hope it went ok xxx

.

I'd be upset if a guest did this... let alone a BM!

Hope the phone call went well.....

Wow.

Just sat and read all this. Its a weird one! Doesnt really make any sense.

Hope you have it all sorted out and it was just a matter of crossed wires.

Let us know how it went.

I tried to phone her a few times over the evening, but no answer. I then got a text, which just said that her bf was trying to get out of it, but that he had to get someone to replace him. No kisses, nothing else, just that, and she sent the exact same message to my OH. So I sent her one back, saying, ok hun, let me know asap. I just really want you there, I can't imagine you not being there on my wedding day! And got nothing back! The tone of her message made it seem like she was annoyed with me (I know its probably just me and that you can't tell tone from texts, but there were no kisses or anything which she always puts).

What I don't understand is that her bf was flying back from the middle east especially for the wedding, so how can his work be making him go to London anyway?!

So I'm still in the same position really! Had a good cry on the phone to my mum last night, who is just speachless, she can't believe it!

Why have you let her get off that easy? You've basically just given her an open door to say neither of them are coming?

When she sent that text about her OH you should have said 'let us know about him, we'd love to have him there but there's no reason you can't come still'. Or words to that effect.

See, I'm no good at things like this! what you said is so much better kharv!

I think I'm just still a bit shocked that she's even said it? And I'm beginning to think our friendship is going to suffer anyway, even if she does come, because I can't really believe she's even considering not coming without any real reason?

You need to tell her that! What she's doing is bang out of order. She's a bridesmaid ffs!

You need to text her today. Say you can't see any reason why she can't come. Let her list her reasons. List them on here and we'll laugh at them while giving you advice on knocking each one down.

If she still says she isn't coming after that then at that point I'd be telling her straight. If she really decides not to come due to those non-reasons then she's not really a friend. Tell her exactly how much money she's costing you and that you're very sorry but you can't see the friendship recovering.

What Kharv said. She is being incredibly unreasonable and you have every right to tell her straight how you feel about it. Be brave. Just think how much better you'll feel if you get a definitive answer today, good or bad, and you don't have to spend the rest of the lead up to your wedding worrying about whether this flaky BM will turn up or not.

Im probaly going to sound like a right *** now but I would just text her and tell her not to bother coming to the wedding since it is obviously too much trouble, after all the trouble you have gone to planning your day, can't believe she would dump this on you like that as if she was missing a sunday lunch with you, if she was a real BEST friend she would be moving heaven and earth to share you wedding day with you! I actually feel really angry for you and would not even bother trying to wangle ideas to make it easier for her to come, she clearly isnt bothered and I would tell her as much too. It seems the christening is far more important to her and not to be able to look after her son for a day is ridiculous. I can see why her OH couldnt come if he would loose out on a £4k job, but if that is really so paying to hire a car is really not going to put a dent in his wallet!!!

Oh em Gee... i am so angry for you!

I agree with the above poster. I'm really sorry Hayley but if your best friend can make you feel like this and make you feel that your own wedding which she is meant to be a big part of is a huge inconvenience for her and her family then I would make the decision easy for her by telling her that the easiest thing to do is to not bother coming. Sometimes weddings bring out peoples true colours, you may even regret having her as a bridesmaid in the end! She's walking all over you. I feel for you because I had issues with my maid of honor, and in the end I regret having her at my wedding. It's not a big thing in the grand scheme of it all but I just wish I'd grown a pair when she was throwing her hissy fits and told her to get lost!

I kind of agree with Going2theChapel - the damage is done. She clearly doesn't see your wedding as a priority and worse, doesn't even have the courtesy to decide what she's doing and let you know afterwards. All this maybe and possibly and it might happen is unncessary stress, especially for a BM. She should pay for the hotel costs - tell her, don't ask her. She's coming up with lots of excuses and being a coward by doing it via text message. I can't see how you could view her in the same way after this, unless there's something else major going on - but if she can't talk to you about it, is she really a great friend? This is just so rude.

One of my bridesmaids did something similar to me - she fell pregnant and gave birth about 3 weeks before our wedding, we accepted that she wasnt going to be a bridesmaid as such but i still put her name as an honourary bridesmaid as she said if she'd had the abay before the wedding she would come, i found out 2 days before the wedding she wasnt coming at all and she hadnt even bothered to tell me - i texted her at 10pm on the thursday before we got married and her reason was people are coming to look at her baby, i was quite hurt tbh and in all fariness i told her i was very disappointed that she didnt come considering she knew about it 16 months before - i haven seen or heard from her since except to ask me where we'd been on honeymoon - we didnt even get a card.

All im saying is talk to her and tell her how you feel, ive since decided that i dont need people who constantly let me down on important occasions (30th birthday, hen party, wedding) in my life

Speak to your friend and tell her how you feel and how hurt you are, if she wont try and find a solution maybe she isnt as good a friend as you thought if you let it simmer away and dont say something soon you'll just get more worked up and it'll be playing on your mind!!!

Fingers crossed - i hope she comes through for you

I too had a similar situation a few weeks ago which is still continuing! Basically one of my BM's was my FSIL, she caused so many problems and stress throughout the planning - being picky with dresses, never replying to messages, never coming down to go for dress fittings (she lives about 150 miles away, but she still comes down to visit her SIL!). At one point she was sending me pictures of bridal dresses telling me that's what she wanted to wear! Anyway, after dresses were bought, make-up and hair ladies booked, flowers booked and jewellery bought, she sent a text message to myself and OH saying she couldnt commit to being a bridesmaid - two and a half months before the wedding! I sent a polite message back trying to reason with her and get her to reconsider (which believe me is the last thing I wanted to do - I wanted to call her every possible profanity I could think of!). So things still aren't sorted and both myself and my OH aren't talking to her, but I have heard from her parents that she thinks everything is fine?? (deluded much?) On top of all of this, her two sons were supposed to be pageboys and she was meant to make our cake - no idea what's happening with any of this, so I have decided to order a cake from M&S and unfortunately I have to leave the boys out of the wedding, as much as I don't want to punish them for their mother being crazy, I can't buy suits without having fittings and I can't risk wasting anymore money!

Sorry I didn't mean to hijack your post, just thought I would share my experience. What I've learnt from it is that you have to do what's best for you, don't stress yourself out and don't worry about the money, it's not worth it. For me personally there is no way to recover our relationship, she has seriously let me down and I will never trust her again!

.

Oh gosh this is a horrid situation foryou so close to the wedding!! I have no adivce as all the other posts have said it basically. Just wanted to say, I hope you manage to get things sorted, no matter what the outcome may be?

Can't wait to see what happens if she actually answers her phone tonight?

xx

Unless your BM has been asked to be a godparent at the christening, she should have declined the invite to the Christening. I would be spitting feathers if this happens to me and would expect to be given something towards the outlay, expecially for the hotel.

I was a single parent to my 3 children for 20yrs and we travelled everywhere by train or bus, which they all enjoyed and thought it was a huge adventure. Sounds like your bm relies on her OH to look after their son.

I hope she is very apologetic and if not then you dont deserve to have a friend who does that to you.

Good luck getting it all sorted ( including the mould ) and enjoy the day when it arrives.

I think the fact she has chosen to go to her ex's baby's christening and not your wedding shows what kind of a friend she is. At the end of the day im sure she can get a life with you guys or one of your family members to the hotel on the saturday, all she needs to do is tell her ex she cant make it to the christening because circumstances have changed and she needs to go with you to the hotel on the saturday ready for the wedding. If your her best friend to me this is a no brainer!!.. im so sorry but i have no idea what kind of woman considers the christening of her ex chaps baby more important that their own best friends big day? its ridiculous! and as you say they arent even close why go to something like that, i am friendly with a few of my exe's and would never consider going to a christening of their child ever, let alone a day before my BF's wedding and have it cause such problems. Maybe she is just feeling a little jeaous that your getting married and its your special day.. she just seems to not consider it very important which to me shows signs of a bad friend. I think you should call her and just ask her outright as others have said in their posts, what her problem is? because you feel very hurt and it seems to you she isnt bothered at all about your wedding... if she doesnt have a genuine honest answer, ask her to refund you the money you have spent and tell her she is no longer invited., xx xx

Any update?

Hi chick,

Any news yet?? Xxxxx

Now I know our weddings aren't at the centre of everyone else's world but that is just ridiculous! Esp the money that you will losing out on.

Part of me thinks she still holds a flame for her ex, hence making sure she's at the christening at the cost of your wedding.

Sorry, not been around for a few days!

I tried phoning, but she wasn't answering so I thought I'd best text. I text her explaining how upset/hurt I was, and that I couldn't understand how her bf not being able to come meant that she couldn't. Offered her lifts etc and help with childcare, and asked if something had happened that I didn't know about. Her response was that she'd apparently told me her bf had turned the job down. So I asked her if that meant that they were all coming, she said that he hadn't found someone to replace him, and that she didn't know many people stupid enough to turn down £4k.

My response was that obviously, if he could earn that much, he should take the job and she should come on her own with her son. I didn't get a reply.

So yesterday I text her saying that at the end of the day, OH and I just wanted people to enjoy the wedding, and not be regretting being there. If her bf wanted to take the job, that was fine, but as my bridesmaid and more importantly my friend, she should be there regardless. Well apparently I backed her in to a corner on Monday when I told her that I needed to know if she was coming (How selfish of me?!), and that her bf just needed to find a replacement, which he couldn't do whilst he was in hospital, and that I wouldn't do it if it was the other way round.

Well this was like a red rag to a bull for me, she hadn't told me her bf was in hospital, and I wouldn't do what?!

so, im quite proud of my response (I'm not remotely confrontational, and I really don't deal well with things like this...) I said, no I owuldn't let my best friend down 5 weeks before her wedding when I agreed to be bridesmaid over a year ago. If my OH had the chance to earn that amount of money in a weekend, of course I'd suggest he took the job, but that I would stand by my original committment, even if it made things more awkward for me. After everything she's been through with her bf, I'm the one thats stood by her, and this is how she acts? The key point, is that on that day, G and I will be married and that's all that matters. If people can't make the effort to be there, i won't give them a second thought. I told her she was completely out of order doing this, and what's worse, is that she was trying to make me out to be the bad person.

Now I wasn't really expecting a repsonse to this, but her response has totally thrown me! Apparently she was only giving me a heads up on Monday, and that her problem was getting there, that her dad would have to take her or she would have to hire a car, and she'd struggle with her son. She has been running around trying to get things sorted and now she's getting sh!t for it?! And she doesn't get how she's treated me badly.

By this stage, I was still fuming, so I told her that how she was feeling for apparently getting sh!t was nothing compared to what she'd put me through. And that she's trying to make me feel like I'm costing them £4k, and that despite me having asked her on numerous occasions over the past few days, she still hadn't said she was coming so how was I supposed to know she was trying to sort it out! And taht when I told her how upset I was, she was completely dismissive, making out that I'm being dramatic! I pointed out that when I asked her if she was coming, her answer should never have been I don't know, and that not coming should never have even crossed her mind!

I also pointed out that she still hasn't booked her hotel, and that when you ocmbine everything together, including the christening, I was feeling like she didn't want to be there.

Well apparently the money for her to book the hotel is sat in her account waiting, and she has already said yes to the christening before she knew there was a rehearsal.

So that's where we're at! Sorry for the mammoth post, but I just wanted to let you know what's been said! I'm still not really sure how I'm feeling, or where to go from here!

Sounds like shes squirming or really really bad at putting across a point. There are real holes in her story and think you did all you could for her to explain properly.

Can you meet with her, sit and talk it through - try and get her to see your side of it (though not sure she will from the sounds of it). Mostly though its can you accept her explanation and/or move past this for your friendship? As long as she is now coming to the wedding no matter what.

I think you need to sit down and talk to her, face to face ideally or on the phone. She's clearly stressed about her OH and maybe that makes her adruptness a little understandable.... only you know the real nature of your friendship and only you can decide if that is a genuine excuse. I'd avoid texting about it any more - things can come across differently to how they are intended.

I've only just seen this and i'm really sorry you're going through this Hayleymay!

Your "friend" sounds as though she is being extremely unsupportive and that she is just making up excuses not to come to your wedding. Short of a close family member being extremely unwell or involved in a horrific accident i don't think i would ever consider not going to my best friend's wedding, and especially not on such short notice. The fact that she is now trying to make you feel bad and saying you are giving her sh!t is ridiculous, if she just answered her phone when you rang her then she would be able to put her story across properly and you wouldn't be feeling like she kept changing her story or hiding things from you.

I hope you get this sorted but i'm inclined to agree with the others, is this really somebody you now want at your wedding and do you really want to continue being friends with her? I would be inclined to tell her not to bother coming and ask for the money for her dress etc.

But the fact that she's your BM means that once she realised that you rehearsal was on the same day then surely that should take priority?! The fact that it's her ex's babies christening she's going to makes it even weirder, if it was a close friend/family member then it would be a different story. Anyway, as others have said you can easily have the rehearsal without her.

You're not really much the wiser though are you as you aren't sure if he's coming or not. Can't her mum or something come instead to help with the baby? I would be fuming if I were you, a true friend would never put you through this.

I think most people don't like being told when they have done something wrong or upsetting and the natural response is to get defensive, and it sounds like this is her reaction. Depending on what she is like as a person she will either be stubborn and not admit she has done anything wrong, or the penny will drop and she will realise the errors of her way and be there for you! I know you need answers as soon as possible because your wedding is so close, but I think you need to give her some time and hopefully she will come round!

Agree with this.

This whole thing is awful! I would be so upset, I think you handled it really well. Hope it's all sorted - I am rubbish at confrontation too. One of my bridesmaids is a bit lame...couldn't make any appointments to try on dresses and then the last time I asked said she was too busy planning a buffet and collecting quiches?! I don't understand people. Hope your other bridesmaids make you feel more special which is deserved xx