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Kate7695
Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire

Unenthusiastic bridesmaids - having doubts about who i asked. Please help!

Kate7695, 20 of November of 2021 at 15:44

Posted on Etiquette and Advice 205

Okay, so last weekend my bridesmaids and I had our first makeup and hair trial. It took (literally) months to organise as my 2 bridesmaids would not answer my messages or get back to me. Eventually we all settled on a date and I organised everything. I picked my friends up and brought then to my...
Okay, so last weekend my bridesmaids and I had our first makeup and hair trial. It took (literally) months to organise as my 2 bridesmaids would not answer my messages or get back to me. Eventually we all settled on a date and I organised everything. I picked my friends up and brought then to my house. Neither of them said thank you and when we started talking about plans for the big day including dresses for them, the food, the schedule, one of them was sat arms crossed and didn't say anything other than "I don't like that" or "that colour isnt right". There was nothing constructive or helpful at all. My other bridesmaid took some notes and asked some questions but that was it. When I asked them about dresses, they both picked the same one. I wasn't really pleased as I wanted to go for mismatched dresses - how do I speak to them about this?

After a little more coaxing of answers from them and asking them for their help setting some decor up the day before, the makeup lady arrived. We all had our hair done then our makeup done.

All afternoon I offered drinks and food and if they were all comfy or needed anything. They refused all refreshment and when it got to late afternoon, one of my bridesmaids stood up and said "I'm going now". Her new boyfriend of 8 wks was picking her up. I had no knowledge of this as we had planned to have a late evening of drinks and take-out. I was very disappointed. Then my other bridesmaid said to me "can you text my ex and ask him to drop the kids off here as this is taking longer than I thought. Make sure you say I'm miserable though otherwise he will be annoyed with me". I couldn't believe it. I felt like I was being dropped. I had been so stressed and worried about the day as I needed to talk to them about so much, but they didn't seem to care. I felt as though neither of them wanted to be there or could muster any enthusiasm. I am still feeling hurt today, and I don't know what to do.
I understand they have their own lives but all I asked was for a few hours. They had plenty of time to organise everything.
Please if anyone can advise it would be much appreciated.Katie x
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205 replies

  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Well i think you need to rearrange your bridesmaids especially with her not bothering and having a party i think if you hadnt of wished her happy birthday i think you would still be waiting for her for a while to say anything to you why is there always someone out there to spoil are fun x💗
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    Sadly I do too. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. I even asked my other bridesmaid (my bestie) if I had done or said something or expected too much. She said absolutely not and there is no reason for her behaviour. Her flippant and semi aggressive response will be I think the final straw. 😔 x
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
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    I am so sorry kate but i think as hard as it is i think she should be a no go as your bridesmaid it is hard thinking of you if you need a chat just message away. Xxxx💗
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    Thanks Michelle I can't say how much I appreciateyour opinions and support. , I had hoped and hoped it wouldn't happen like this and I didn't think she'd be this way. I don't know what has changed in our friendship for her to talk to me the way she has done. I am really upset and am worried about telling her. Any advice on how to respond to her "err I've been rather busy lately" and "err was going to ask you about dresses". I have so many things I want to say but they wouldn’t help the situation. 😔 xxx
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Hi hun why whats up with the dress situation xx💗
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    Oh she was asking about how she orders one and what shoes I want her to wear. I've already told her how and I've already said as long as she's comfortable I don't mind (exception of trainers). She asked this but didn't comment on anything I'd said. Xx
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
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    I dont know what to say she sounds interested but then doesnt you need to chat with your other bridesmaid see what she thinks you should do i really dont want to tell you what to do but if it was me i wouldnt bother at all but you need to decide without anyone telling you what to do xx💗
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  • MrsRtoH
    Savvy October 2022 Merseyside
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    Hey chick, I've read through this whole thread, I personally would be giving her a piece of mind and turning up the bridezilla. She's being a d1kc for lack of a better phrase and wants you to spoon feed her when you have other stuff to be getting on with. I'd be snapping at her a bit now to be honest and of she gets aggy over it then just take her out of the wedding and then all your problems are solved!


    Sorry if you don't like my advice, I just wouldn't be taking this crap of a so-called best mate. This is the most important day of your life and they should be next to you cheering you on like your biggest fans!
    Good luck chicka 🧡🧡
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    Hi lovely, your response made me chuckle! And I always appreciate advice and opinions.


    So many times I've bit my tongue, when really I wanted to snap. I don't know why I'm not saying anything. I'm not known for being shy. Part of me, I think would be upset at losing her as a friend but the other part of me is thinking, well, she hasn't been much pf a friend lately. For a while actually...
    And you're right. She is out of line and I am fed up of her attitude. I don't know if I mentioned this in my post or in the discussion of when I was telling you all about our makeup trial; when I picked her up and my best friend up, she actually punched me in the arm whilst I driving. We were on the way to pick my best friend up and I passed her on the street (it's a dead end). So I had to turn around and she laughed, called me stupid and then hit me. Actually suckered punched me.
    Even writing about this I'm getting angry, so why I didn't call her on it sooner I don't know. I think I probably should go all Bridezilla on her.Xx
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Go for it BRIDEZILLA she needs to watch out i think it cut losses time xx💗 if i was closer i would tell her fot you then walk away.
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    I know, I just don't know how to say what I need to say. It's putting how I feel in words that I'm finding difficult. I dont want to come across like the bad guy jn the situation cause I know she's gonna be angry no matter what I say. Xx
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  • MrsRtoH
    Savvy October 2022 Merseyside
    MrsRtoH ·
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    Goodness, I'd have punched her back. I reckon it's time for you to just adopt an attitude 👍🏼 don't spoon feed aka she can get a cab, assume she's going to go above and beyond from now on and if she doesn't, tell her the truth on how she's being sh1t3 😁
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    At the time, I just couldn't believe how she was behaving. She's definitely gotten more vulgar (some of the things she said omg) and seemingly more aggressive. I don't know why she's being like this. She used to br a really good friend. Maybe my problem is I'm too sentimental and thinking about how things were instead of are...
    But I think you're right. I should stand up for myself and put my feelings first and be honest with how she's been with me. I feel as though she doesn't give a s#!@.
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    I think best thing is to be totally honest if she doesnt like it tough its your wedding you get to make the choice x have your other friend go with you or do you think that would kick her of x💗💕
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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    It's very odd that your friend has changed her behaviour so suddenly. I wonder if maybe she's made some new friends who are encouraging her to behave badly. Either that, or she is dealing with something that she doesn't want to talk about, but it's making her act weirdly.

    Either way, if she won't tell you what's up, there's not much you can do about it.

    I would suggest ringing her and having a direct conversation. It might help to write down what you want to communicate to her so you don't lose track.

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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    Well, I was totally honest. I replied with my initial reaction of "That's your response?" And she came back with a really defensive "What's wrong with it" followed by a list of stuff where she accused me of lying "I didn't hit you don't know where you got that from" then I was accused of ignoring her and not asking her her opinions "my opinions weren't needed". She ignored my comments completely about how I felt. She hasn't even responded to my last message where I said "How many times have I asked for your opinion? Your thoughts on fabric, cour, decor? How many times do I have to ask for some support in decision making?". My best friend rang me maybe an hour ago and I told her what'd happened and read some messages to her. She said I wasn't aggressive and was justified in what I said. What do you think? Xx
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  • Michelle
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    Michelle ·
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    Totally agree with your best friend you have said all you can say x💗
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    Thank you. And thank you for your advice and support xx
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Any time hope you can stop stressing about her now thinking of you anytime you need to chat we are here xx💗
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    I thought the same thing. She's been funny with me for a while, but this si a different level. I've asked her of she's okay and if there is something wrong but she said nothing. If I don't hear from her soon, I will call her again and try to have a conversation, but when she's like this she'll ignore me for a while then get aggressive.
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    Well I feel as though I've stood up for myself and though I don't like being assertive I guess when it's your own wellbeing you have to. Thanks again I'll definitely let you know how it goes xx
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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Her behaviour is super weird. No idea what is causing it, but at this point, I don't think there is much you can do except ask her to stand down as bridesmaid. You don't want this level of drama on your wedding day.

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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    It is, and ive asked her what's wrong several times to get no reply. In our conversation she is now turning nasty saying its my fault that she's withdrawn. Apparently I do not appreciate her as a friend and belittle her. Don't know where that came from. Foe years I've helped her with housing issues and a bad breakup with my cousin. I've been nothing but supportive and asked nothing for it. I thought thats what friends do.
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  • Michelle
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    Hi hows things going x💗
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    Hey I had the conversation with my bridesmaid. It was hard and I was really upset but it happened. I haven't heard from her since. I'll put what I said to her in a different message x
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    I know you're having a shitty time and are mega busy.
    I know you want to be a bridesmaid but if I'm honest, I'm not sure if you have the time to dedicate. Like I said, there is still tonnes for me to do and with things how they are I don't think I can ask you. I haven't asked much so far, but the coming months will he hectic. I've given it a lot of thought and its been on my mind all week and I don't need anymore tension before the wedding as I'm already pulling my hair out. This isn't easy and I'm sorry, as I don't want any feelings to be hurt, but I think it is best if you aren't my bridesmaid. I'm sorry.
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    I think that was a nice way to put it too her glad its sorted have you heard out back x💗
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    How are you feeling in yourself has it helped with the whole wedding planning x💗
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    Thanks, I didn't think I could have said it any differently. I was calm and stated reasons she said herself, so there wasn't really room for argument. I haven't heard back from her. I do feel a little relieved that I don't have to deal with the drama from her. I do feel awful that it came to it x
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    But it was best thing for you x💗
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  • Michelle
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    Michelle ·
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    Mentally and physically thinking of you x💗
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  • Kate7695
    Dedicated May 2022 East Riding of Yorkshire
    Kate7695 ·
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    Yeah it was, still sad though x
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